Journal Leapfrog's Journal: meta-journal 5
Journalling has always been strange and unnatural for me. It seems I take keen interest for a few days, then go for eternal stretches without any writing at all. Web-journalling doubly so. Anyone who has witnessed my chicken-scratchings in the past will recognize it. I have this strange duality playing- I don't want anyone to read it, but if no one reads it then what's the point? In the past, revealing my web page address to anyone else has resulted in a dramatic, immediate, and unfortunate change to the content and style therein. Perhaps the mere knowing that someone, anyone besides me, is reading this gives me cause to change it. Maybe I'm afraid of the sensitive bits getting around to someone who might care. Or it could be that I'm worried about giving away "too much." I want someone to read it, I suppose, or I wouldn't be doing it. But I don't want anyone to read it, because if I knew someone was reading it I would have to change it. It makes me think of Heisenberg, but on a grander scale.
Too much thought. Time to go home.
I read this! (Score:1)
Re:I read this! (Score:1)
It does lead me to wonder what brought you here, though. There are millions of user id's, and mine is just one more amongst the millions. The "search" function just seems too broad a tool to glean signal from the noise. Random stumbling? Visiting all of Commander Taco's fans one at a time? Or perhaps looking for someone who uses the same nick? The possibilities abound. One of my favorite aspects of running my own web server was the ability to see HTTP referrers. I was amazed how many people came looking on google for "toaster webcam".
Re:I read this! (Score:2)
Well, how I found your journal. Journals have come to be of more interest to me.
I often do journal searches. For example on "unemployed" or "Bush" as a means of probing the slashdot subconscious.
The day I found yours I merely did a null search on journals, which brings up journals sorted by date... and you must have been in the first or second page at that moment.
The funny thing is: I do know what your are talking about, perhaps we have a few neurons in common. After years of BBS/Usenet/WebLogs/Forums (like... um... 20 years worth (started ~15)) I have often gone over the question of "what's the point". I've been in groups for years sometimes debating things, and of course, no one, NO ONE, changed their mind in all the time.
Is it for the "audience" that doesn't post (and to a degree doesn't exist)
Is it to convince someone... correct the world (-- this belief leads to frustration and flame)
I have come to the conclusion that it is to refine my own ideas. I take part in these public opinions not to convince someone else, not to impress someone else, but to convince myself, to improve my own style of reasoning, to bounce my ideas off the ether. I do the same thing in person, but on the net you find people that want to discuss your favorite topic, and in real like, I don't think I could easily gather 10 people that want to discuss, say, computer industry law, a little every day...
Journals are similar. You put your journal out here... but slightly hope no one reads it. I would think it's because, by putting it out there, you think about it differently. You don't need there to be a person there, your OWN mind edits your post differently by imagining another person there.
I don't know if you are a programmer, but you will probably understand: often, if you have a difficult problem it's of use to go to another programmer, they don't have to know what you're code does, just trying to explain to them is enough. They don't even have to speak, sometimes, just trying to explain your code, the problems rise up, you imagine their perspective and get a new perspective that way.
You can do with with someone that isn't a programmer, and it's even led to the "Rubber Duckie" approach some people report works for them. If you have a hard problem, pull out your Rubber Duckie and explain the problem to it!
A journal no one reads benefits from the kind of process that goes into making a public statement (you try to be clear, you try to be relevant, etc. (or whatever it really means to you, YMMV)), without the problem of anyone actually coming and judging the work.
There is no vanity in these logs, there is risk of exposure (that's the real risk you mention which is truly a real risk... especially in these days where there are a half a dozen well known cases of web loggers getting sacked), but it's not vain, even for those that post mundane things "no one cares about"... turns out people do care, for some unexplained reason.
And look at all the food for thought you have given me, by virtue of the fact that I too have and still do think through the very issue you raise.
Re:I read this! (Score:2)
But when I put "you're" instead of "your", that actually bugs me...
Re:I read this! (Score:1)
As a programmer, I can certainly understand the rubber duckie comment. Most slashdotters have probably dabbled in that sort of geekery; I've been a slashdotter since a long time ago, and I now perform that sort of geekery professionally.
I do guard my journal carefully, though. I am always careful to express myself cogently and eloquently. At the very least, I try to do so. You will not see anything incriminating here. Often culturally edgy, of course. I rant frequently, and with great fervor. Not always on-line, though. And I've only started abusing this feature of Slashdot.
It may not last long, though. I have to keep my indie status, you know-- "because being all prepared to get on the mic is selling out/and I ain't even about to relinquish indie clout...unpromoted, don't know how you found me/ soundly situated in obscurityland/ famous in inverse proportion to how cool I am and should I ever garner triple-digit fans/ you can tell me then there's someone I ain't indier than" (MC Frontalot- nerdcore hiphop [frontalot.com]) I secretly held hope that someone might be interested enough to start discourse. Maybe there is some element of desire for acceptance, to have someone validate my ramblings. I think the desire to have one's intellect validated is at the core of most geekery. That, and the constant search for a challenge.
In any case, I hope you liked it. It has been the most intelligent conversation I have had all day. (The only other conversation was with my desk plant, Winston. I hear plants grow better if you talk to them.)