I'm 6ft tall, about 120lbs. I've never been in a fight. I couldn't do fuck-all to defend myself against someone who wanted to hurt me, other than run. I'm not going to count on that being an option, although I will certainly try it first. I legally carry a gun, and train with it regularly, so that if I or someone I care about or even a complete stranger is attacked in my presence, I can stop it, despite my small stature and complete lack of hand-to-hand fighting ability.
I have nightmares sometimes about actually having to use the gun against a living person. I have woken up crying, screaming. But I live in a high-crime area, and I will take emotional stress over death or the death of someone I care about without hesitation.
Do really I sound like I have "murder fantasies"?