Tell me what I'm missing... (Score -1, Offtopic)

Everyone's ranting and raving about 'The Osbournes'. American "Oh my God!! Waaaay cool" hype or a seriously good programme? Definately the latter. 'The Osbournes' hasn't been packaged and dispatched to the UK yet and I hope it never will be. If it does, I hope they show it when I'm asleep at 3am or something.

So, everyone's ranting and raving about it. What people are ranting and raving about is slightly ambiguous. Nevertheless, it's President Bush's favourite show. I'm not sure what that says about President Bush either. I think it says he's a dumb prick with a small throat (that can't swallow pretzels in the normal way).

Anyway, I don't like passing judgement on something without experiencing it for myself, so I downloaded it. For those of you who don't know, "The Osbournes" is another daft reality tv wankfest featuring Ozzy Osbourne (Black Sabbath) and his family in their swank Beverley Hills home. Nothing escapes the gaze of the viewer; Ozzy might be an evil, dark, macabre character that likes loud guitars but families go through the same stuff the world over.

I go to Kazaa and pick episode one. I figure it's the best place to start being the first episode and everything. It was in excess of 30meg and for a dial-up user that's some serious bandwidth commitment. I ask myself over and over, 'Do I really want to devot my precious bandwidth to this file?' - My tired mind overrides my better judgement and I do it. A certain random Kazaa user is the 'straw that breaks the camel's back', so to speak, when he tells me, 'Man! This is my favourite show ever! download it.. omggh!!! fskin' get it!!!'. I begin the download then go to sleep (trying very hard, despite the monosyllabic groan of my computer).

I wake up and leap to my feet in anticipation of getting to see this great show. I mean, if Bush likes it, I'll surely like it! I switch the monitor on and recite 'Hail Mary' at least three times, hoping that there's been no cock-up (connection dying). Phew - It downloaded.

As you can imagine, it was a huge anti-climax. Exactly how much of an anti-climax is hard to articulate. Think of a treasured sexual organ being driven over by an SUV, or rolled upon by a morbidly obese woman and you'll understand.

This show is shit. It's CRAP! My God this show soooo blows, my friends. I mean, 'it blows' (suitably long pause), 'my friends'. This show doesn't blow my friends per se.

Ozzy Osbourne is a degenerative, inarticulate slob. Centuries of heavy metal and heavy drinking have rightfully had their toll on this man. I don't recall him constructing one parsable sentence throughout. His mind is totally wasted and he isn't the man he likes to make out he is on stage. Ozzy Osbourne doesn't live in a crypt and I for one am disappointed. His kids are privately educated and take precocious satisfaction in letting their parents know how smart they are. Ozzy can't even work out how to work satellite tv - what a moron.

On behalf of the United Kingdom of Great Britain, Northern Ireland and her Commonwealth, I implore that you, the United States of America, stop sending us your crap television. Well, okay, some of it can come in (like the Sopranos) but the rest stays out! OUT! O.U.T spells out!

Anyway, I'm drunk. Bye Bye

POLL

Osbournes

• Shite
• Feckin' shite
• It's good (and I have carnal knowledge of sheep)