No, you're a jack-ass because you're stating that you have enough money to purchase penthouse real estate in Manhattan!

Back in the early 80's, we'd rotary dial into the university computer, slap the phone down into the modem and play Wombat. What a breakthrough in adolescent education.

I don't remember doing anything else in school besides sneaking away to play Wombat and combing around the university computer system finding out all sorts of tricks, new games, etc. It was great - it was unregulated - it was unprotected - it was all wide open. Truly an open system that hadn't been comprimised by those with malicious intent or those trying to sell you crap that you didn't need.

Then, in high school, I was expected to be able to find a date for the Prom? Forget it. I'd rather play with computers.

Going on this, getting my parents to invest in computers (Mircosoft) and majoring in CS and Engineering, my parents and I are now sitting on a heap of cash.

Lesson leared? Yes. Design truly open systems. Harden them down to prevent malicious usage. Get rid of all the other BS involved. Above all, find something that you love to do and pursue it and don't let anyone get in your way. Computers did that for me. Hopefully they'll help someone else out in the same way if those in charge get their act together and make good use out of what computers have to offer.

I have a drinking problem: Two hands and one mouth.

For each line of code I write, I update a counter on a spreadsheet. Therefore, over the last 25 years, I am absolutely sure that I have written over 1 million lines of code (1,752,402 lines to date).

All of this code compiled and was a part of a project that is still in use today, including Microsoft Windows 3.1 and games used by the Atari 2600 game console.

Would you have guessed that the easiest assignment I ever had was to work on Missile Command?

Put all of your application workspaces in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.

But, if in doubt, add laser beams.

Wait, how will this affect me tonight when I roll a big fatty and watch TV?

How long did it take for guys to realize that you can't impress a girl on a first date with a couple of warm wine coolers and a guitar ballad played on a plastic guitar with colored buttons?

Get real. Go buy yourself a real acoustic 6-string, take 5-10 years to learn to play and (hopefully you started practicing when you were 5) soon you will be able to reel a lady into your bedroom that doesn't look and seem similar to a plastic love doll or your parole officer.

Come on, how many campfires have you been around lately where someone pulls out a fake guitar and sings air-band songs? No thanks. Get some real skills - anyone who excels at Guitar Hero deserves to be beaten like a red-headed step-child at a family picnic who wines, has cleft palate and a nasty case of tourette syndrome.

Step 1: Open VPN window/session to work and login.
Step 2: Minimize VPN window to return to your PC, open a browser to a good porn site
Step 3: Return to VPN window to check work e-mail
Step 4: Reward yourself by returning to your PC and reward yourself with a few pictures/short movie clips
Step 5: Return to VPN window to perform a task (look into a foreign key constraint, etc.)
Step 6: Repeat Step 4
Step 7: Repeat Steps 5 and 6 until your girlfriend/wife returns home.
Step 8: Fun times
Step 9: Return to VPN window, do 2 hours of good work and logoff for the day and go fire up the grill and turn on the Cubs game with a couple of ice cold Budweisers in tow.

Cubs win! Cubs win!

It's a simple question - Would you eat the moon if it were made of ribs?

Hold on now...now, without ruffling any religious feathers, how do you know that we weren't created as a result of some alien spacecraft emitting some propellant or other chemicals into a pile of protein soup (with or without their knowledge)?

Look what they've been missing! We're a bunch of fat, lazy, over-rewarded hypocrites that are too lazy to go out to eat and instead elect to have it delivered to us for every meal.

That and we wrap everything in bacon. Hmmm, bacon. Sorry Jim Gaffigan, I'm taking your glory.

Let's shoot bacon-wrapped Hot Pockets into outerspace.

Ok, I'm from Wisconsin. It's miserable here for 4 months during Winter.

However, there are liquor stores and small neighborhood bars everywhere. When you're drunk, you don't notice that it's 20 below zero outside nor do you remember you decision to walk home to save gas.

By the time your hangove clears up, it's April and the tulips are busting through the ground.

So, you see, we are happy here!

Hey, if we can detect with about 2% assurance that Iraq has WMD's from space and start a war that costs trillions and kills many thousands, what excuse would the government need to explain why they killed a stadium of fans whom they detected, with their new whiz-bang device, that about 65% of them lied about something at work last week and about the number of beers they told their buddy that they've drank since the start of the 2nd quarter?

Holy run-on sentence Batman!

Hey, if you want to detect malfeasance of any kind with 100% accuracy, you need my wife. I can't get away with anything!