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Journal JWSmythe's Journal: Confirmation of Nathan's passing 4

I want to talk about this, but my regular news site isn't exactly appropriate.

    When Nathan passed away (see Bad, Bad, Worse, previously posted), the medical examiner didn't decide immediately to what the cause of death was. They issued a death certificate that simply said "Pending". My wife (his mother) called to see if they knew the cause yet.

    It was clear to me what happened. His body was frozen in the position he was in during his seizures.

    damn, I'm thinking about what happened. That's when I start losing it. Excuse me if I ramble.

    Anyways, he was in the bathtub, frozen in his seizure position. When I pulled him out and started CPR, he was still frozen in that position. During his seizures, he'd get stiff, but would still be moving (aka convulsive seizures). I had tried to make him more comfortable once, at least in my mind, by moving his arm and head to a more comfortable position. This was impossible, so I just did what I could to make things soft. The one time he was in a "good" place (in the house, under normal house lighting), we held him until he just went limp (coming out of the seizure), and then I carried him to our bedroom. He slept in a bunk bed, so our grown-up bed was bigger and softer, and we could sit on both sides of him, without hitting our heads on the top bunk. :)

    The medical examiner's office said the report wasn't done yet, so I left for work. They called the house about an hour after I left, and said his cause of death was due to his epilepsy. In other words, the toxicology and tissue tests came back negative for anything else. The full report isn't complete, but will be soon.

    I want to read the full report. Well, I don't. I know that he died, and he isn't coming back, even though I'm finding myself in full blown denial fairly frequently. I want to know more about him though.

    We went through his computer, looking at where he went, and what he was doing. We already knew most of it, so there wasn't much surprising. I'm pretty good at computer forensics (oddly enough), so it was pretty easy to make a trail of everything he did.

    He didn't keep a diary, and looking around his room, it was like a young teenage boy's room.

    I guess we want to know more about him, because we don't want to lose him, even though he's already gone.

    I guess there isn't much more to say right now. The medical examiner confirmed what we already knew, and the details will be coming in a week or ten. They said "it takes 6 to 8 weeks for the report". Monday will be 8 weeks since they examined him. I know these aren't priorities for the labs, since there are live patients who need the work done immediately. It just sucks having to wait. But, what happens afterwards? We're sad for a long time, no matter what.

    I've always been the type person that likes to know how things work and why. I have a clue on how the human body works, but it's hard to accept "it just stopped", I have to know more.

    Think of it like a car breaking down. If my car just stops running, I don't say "oh well", and have it towed to get it fixed, I open it up, dig through parts, do an analysis, and then decide for myself if it's fixable or not.

    That day, that's what I did too. I did the basic checks (since I don't have an EEG or EKG). No pulse, no breathing, fix it. I tried, and tried, but in the end, I couldn't get him to start back up. I wanted desperately for him to gasp for air, or even his eyelids to flicker, but I had already made the diagnosis. I just wasn't willing to accept it. I'm still not.

    Every time I think about that day, it's like the outcome will be different. I re-live those minutes in my head over and over, just like it's happening.. well.. right now. I'm expecting to see him move, to breath, to live again. Sometimes in my head, he does. In reality, he died on Feb 10th, and has been buried for almost 2 months. I just don't want to accept it.

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Confirmation of Nathan's passing

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  • It sounds like you have a handle on what you are feeling emotionally. That is a good thing. You will be grieving for a while, most likely. And there is nothing wrong with hanging on to things that he left behind (including memories), if you don't obsess.

    One of my uncles died young. My father was the oldest of eight, and Danny was the youngest. He was killed in a car crash, at age 17 (if I remember correctly) when I was a baby. He was still a presence in my grandparents' lives twenty-five years later.
  • Comment removed based on user account deletion
    • I am glad sam said what I wanted to say in a great way. I can't add to it, other than to say I mimic his thoughts.
  • by slothdog ( 3329 ) *
    Man, that is so not the kind of thing I wanted to see when I peeked in here. I've been there far too recently, and it totally sucks. I wish I had something to say, but words just can't help this kind of thing. Hang in there.

    "And can it be that in a world so full and busy, the loss of one weak creature makes a void in any heart, so wide and deep that nothing but the width and depth of vast eternity can fill it up!"
    ~Charles Dickens (Dombey And Son, Chapter 18)

You're not Dave. Who are you?

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