Journal Interrobang's Journal: Collaborative JE: TuckerEstron and I Slug It Out! 15
Over on Democratic Underground, where you will find a lot of non-standard HTML-like posting interfaces and Tucker and me (that last figure of speech is called a zeugma, by the way), Tucker and I got into an interesting conversation on the relative (de)merits of children, by way of a strange quasi-academic conversation about shit. I mean, as in, feces. Don't ask. Needless to say it has nothing to do with the Goat Guy and lots to do with the PIC "building a shit brickhouse" in my bathroom on Monday night (and clogging the toilet not once but twice).
Here, presented for your comedic delectation, are a series of exerpts from that conversation:
I asked Tuck for some further compelling reasons not to have children, after she mentioned that she'd caught the 'flu from her two sons.
Tucker: Okay, we'll start with PREGNANCY. To get a baby the old-fashioned way requires you to undergo pregnancy. This means your abdomen will swell to absurd dimensions, displacing major internal organs.
Then the baby has to come out. If you are lucky, it will come out through your pelvis. This means your pelvis will separate in the middle, ripping a big chunk of cartilage. That doesn't sound as painful as it actually is.
Then this baby comes out. And it's covered with slime and blood but for some reason it's incredibly cute anyway. And then, what's the very first thing it does? It SHITS copious amounts of meconium--a black tarry substance unlike anything you've ever had to clean up before. This shit sticks to skin with a weird tenacity. If you are very lucky the midwife will clean up the first shit (which may well have happened on your stomach).
Babies emit fluids and solids a lot, at confusing intervals and often accompanied by strange noises and crying. Anyone who has an aversion to being pelted with half-digested milk should probably avoid babies.
As someone with an aversion to milk in general, whether it's human or animal, half-digested or fresh, I second this statement.
When you have a baby, you are suddenly public property. People will come up to you to tell you everything you're doing wrong...etc., ad nauseum. The best response to most of these is to nod politely; or else to squirt the offending party in the eye with a stream of breast-milk.
Apparently Tuck does not read Ann Landers, but that's ok, because Ann Landers was so out of touch she was a set of waldoes for the last 50 years or so.
Tucker: Babies turn into toddlers. Awww. So cute! So sweet! So...*painful*. Yes, painful. Ever had the hard noggin of a two-year-old come crashing down on a sensitive part of your anatomy? You will.
I really don't know why people feel compelled to flame folks who don't want kids. Having kids, IMO, is like flying jumbo jets--not everyone should do it, especially if they don't want to.
Interrobang: Partly, I think, it's because the Avid Breeders don't understand it, so you get that sort of well-meaning -phobia reaction (hyphen deliberate) that happens among mildly intolerant people when someone they know/love, say, comes out, marries someone of a different skin colour/ethnic group, joins a different religious group, or drops out altogether, or in general fails to conform to those people's accepted norms.
Tucker: That's probably part of it.
Interrobang: Well, if anyone has any better ideas to explain the Pregnancy Police, I'd love to hear them!
Tucker: Okay, how about the fact that having kids means you need to carry about twenty extra pounds of STUFF everywhere you go?
Tucker: Ah, I have a strong "Awww!" reaction to anything neotenous.
Interrobang: Not me. I can remember when my sister was born (I was almost 10) and my mom asked, "Isn't she cute?" and I said, "No, she looks like a brain-damaged little old man." I got in trouble, but it didn't change my opinion.
Tucker: See, I *like* toddlers.
Interrobang: Gar. I like toddlers, too...when they're about 19 and I can take them to bars with me. :)
Tucker: For a while, his means of waking Mommy up was to bonk me on the head
Interrobang: And you wonder what's wrong with your mental health? See?! I was right! Children *do* make you fucked in the head!!
Tucker: If you've never awakened to the sight of an open toddler mouth bearing down on you--you're probably lucky.
Interrobang: No, that's probably only slightly less terrifying than awakening because you feel like you're being watched only to discover that there's a brown recluse spider dangling from the ceiling about three centimetres from your nose... (That one was a case of, "Aaaah..." and ooch out of the way really quickly while staying as flat as possible, then grope around for a really big hardcover book!)
Tucker: Eldest Son had a computer keyboard named Binky.
Interrobang: A real keyboard? Yes, a friend's daughter had a keyboard of her own, too. Sometimes he'd even plug it in so she could use his computer, but most of the time she'd just sit there and "type" along with mommy and daddy. :) (The perils of being geeks' kid!)
Tucker: Did I mention his first sentence was, "I know doot-doot-dooters!"?
Interrobang: You have a geek son!!
In fact, there's the ideal to which all procreating geeks should aspire: 11 months old, and already a geek! I doff my hat!
On edit: Tucker said (in her latest message): He had the habit of adding "doots" to his word for "computer" depending on how exciting the computer in question was. In the server room, he'd sit there going, "Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-dooters!" like a little percolating coffeepot.
Wow. When even an 11-month-old knows that the server room is doot-doot-doot-doot-doot cool, now there's a geek prodigy!
Tucker: Also, more people without kids means *more potential babysitters*...heh, heh.
Interrobang: Don't look at me! My idea of "babysitting" is something like a "smother party," only probably involving couch cushions. (I will teach riding lessons to older ones, though.)
Tucker: Parenting is a skilled profession--it really is NOT instinctive...
Interrobang: Yeah, I wish more parents would treat it that way. My parents were so dumb about it when they got me. I think they just sort of figured they could make it up as they went along. Of course, by the time my sister came along, they had lots of practice. Phhfft!
Interrobang: Weirdly enough, I had a dream the other night where the genetic donors tracked me down and made me meet them. The female half of the duo looked like Sian's flaky friend the RN, and the male half looked like Emmanuel Goldstein from 2600. Neither of those people look anything like me! What a strange dream... (I would hate to be the progeny of a flake like that, although being EG's long-lost spawn would be kinda cool in a Cthulhuid sort of way.)
Here, presented for your comedic delectation, are a series of exerpts from that conversation:
I asked Tuck for some further compelling reasons not to have children, after she mentioned that she'd caught the 'flu from her two sons.
Tucker: Okay, we'll start with PREGNANCY. To get a baby the old-fashioned way requires you to undergo pregnancy. This means your abdomen will swell to absurd dimensions, displacing major internal organs.
Then the baby has to come out. If you are lucky, it will come out through your pelvis. This means your pelvis will separate in the middle, ripping a big chunk of cartilage. That doesn't sound as painful as it actually is.
Then this baby comes out. And it's covered with slime and blood but for some reason it's incredibly cute anyway. And then, what's the very first thing it does? It SHITS copious amounts of meconium--a black tarry substance unlike anything you've ever had to clean up before. This shit sticks to skin with a weird tenacity. If you are very lucky the midwife will clean up the first shit (which may well have happened on your stomach).
Babies emit fluids and solids a lot, at confusing intervals and often accompanied by strange noises and crying. Anyone who has an aversion to being pelted with half-digested milk should probably avoid babies.
As someone with an aversion to milk in general, whether it's human or animal, half-digested or fresh, I second this statement.
When you have a baby, you are suddenly public property. People will come up to you to tell you everything you're doing wrong...etc., ad nauseum. The best response to most of these is to nod politely; or else to squirt the offending party in the eye with a stream of breast-milk.
Apparently Tuck does not read Ann Landers, but that's ok, because Ann Landers was so out of touch she was a set of waldoes for the last 50 years or so.
Tucker: Babies turn into toddlers. Awww. So cute! So sweet! So...*painful*. Yes, painful. Ever had the hard noggin of a two-year-old come crashing down on a sensitive part of your anatomy? You will.
I really don't know why people feel compelled to flame folks who don't want kids. Having kids, IMO, is like flying jumbo jets--not everyone should do it, especially if they don't want to.
Interrobang: Partly, I think, it's because the Avid Breeders don't understand it, so you get that sort of well-meaning -phobia reaction (hyphen deliberate) that happens among mildly intolerant people when someone they know/love, say, comes out, marries someone of a different skin colour/ethnic group, joins a different religious group, or drops out altogether, or in general fails to conform to those people's accepted norms.
Tucker: That's probably part of it.
Interrobang: Well, if anyone has any better ideas to explain the Pregnancy Police, I'd love to hear them!
Tucker: Okay, how about the fact that having kids means you need to carry about twenty extra pounds of STUFF everywhere you go?
Tucker: Ah, I have a strong "Awww!" reaction to anything neotenous.
Interrobang: Not me. I can remember when my sister was born (I was almost 10) and my mom asked, "Isn't she cute?" and I said, "No, she looks like a brain-damaged little old man." I got in trouble, but it didn't change my opinion.
Tucker: See, I *like* toddlers.
Interrobang: Gar. I like toddlers, too...when they're about 19 and I can take them to bars with me.
Tucker: For a while, his means of waking Mommy up was to bonk me on the head
Interrobang: And you wonder what's wrong with your mental health? See?! I was right! Children *do* make you fucked in the head!!
Tucker: If you've never awakened to the sight of an open toddler mouth bearing down on you--you're probably lucky.
Interrobang: No, that's probably only slightly less terrifying than awakening because you feel like you're being watched only to discover that there's a brown recluse spider dangling from the ceiling about three centimetres from your nose... (That one was a case of, "Aaaah..." and ooch out of the way really quickly while staying as flat as possible, then grope around for a really big hardcover book!)
Tucker: Eldest Son had a computer keyboard named Binky.
Interrobang: A real keyboard? Yes, a friend's daughter had a keyboard of her own, too. Sometimes he'd even plug it in so she could use his computer, but most of the time she'd just sit there and "type" along with mommy and daddy.
Tucker: Did I mention his first sentence was, "I know doot-doot-dooters!"?
Interrobang: You have a geek son!!
In fact, there's the ideal to which all procreating geeks should aspire: 11 months old, and already a geek! I doff my hat!
On edit: Tucker said (in her latest message): He had the habit of adding "doots" to his word for "computer" depending on how exciting the computer in question was. In the server room, he'd sit there going, "Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-dooters!" like a little percolating coffeepot.
Wow. When even an 11-month-old knows that the server room is doot-doot-doot-doot-doot cool, now there's a geek prodigy!
Tucker: Also, more people without kids means *more potential babysitters*...heh, heh.
Interrobang: Don't look at me! My idea of "babysitting" is something like a "smother party," only probably involving couch cushions. (I will teach riding lessons to older ones, though.)
Tucker: Parenting is a skilled profession--it really is NOT instinctive...
Interrobang: Yeah, I wish more parents would treat it that way. My parents were so dumb about it when they got me. I think they just sort of figured they could make it up as they went along. Of course, by the time my sister came along, they had lots of practice. Phhfft!
Interrobang: Weirdly enough, I had a dream the other night where the genetic donors tracked me down and made me meet them. The female half of the duo looked like Sian's flaky friend the RN, and the male half looked like Emmanuel Goldstein from 2600. Neither of those people look anything like me! What a strange dream... (I would hate to be the progeny of a flake like that, although being EG's long-lost spawn would be kinda cool in a Cthulhuid sort of way.)
Ugly children (Score:2)
My neice was born last year. I dutifully went down to see my sister and her new child, but I just felt completely neutral. My parents struggled (and still struggle) to understand my lack of emotion. I think it's an ugly child. I think pretty much all babies are ugly. But more than that, I just feel n
My reaction? (Score:1, Offtopic)
I've changed enough diapers in my lifetime, thank you. I was 7 when my oldest brother was born, 16 when my youngest brother was born. I got up with the youngest in the middle of the night. Junior year of high school was never funner than when I had to get up at 1am to feed and change my youngest brother.
Luckily, I've married a guy who doesn't want kids. :)
Give up your Social Security, please (Score:2, Insightful)
In any event, it's hardly as traumatic as the picture you've painted.
But, if you don't want kids, it's probably a good thing. Unless you recant in your late 30's, early 40's. Those people are the worst parents, combining the worst behaviours of new parents and new grandparents.
+3 Funny (Score:1)
Re:Give up your Social Security, please (Score:1)
People who don't want kids shouldn't have them. The idea of pressuring people to have children if they aren't 100%, absolutely certain they want kids is absurd--we already have far, far too many children born to people who don't really want to be parents.
Tucker
Re:Give up your Social Security, please (Score:1)
And I did mention that that was a joke and that people who don't want kids shouldn't have them.
Re:Give up your Social Security, please (Score:2)
Except that it didn't used to be that way. People used to pay for their own retirement funds. But when the government got into a tough spot, they started dipping into the retirement fund- something that personal financial planners will tell you to never do. And that's why your children (or, more likely, grandchildren) will be paying for your social security.
Re:Give up your Social Security, please (Score:1)
I would take exception with your remark that Social Security didn't used to be that way. The retirement age was set such that most people would just barely hit that mark, with most dying within a couple of years of retirement. Anyway, it's broken.
I've got an idea. Since, as I've previously stated in FK's contest, you are the most beautiful woman on Slashdot, let's have many child
Re:Give up your Social Security, please (Score:2)
And I object to Utah on principle- It's Utah. Try Lady Guardian. She's Canadian- maybe she doesn't know about Utah yet.
Re:Give up your Social Security, please (Score:1)
Yeah, but check out the upside [marotti.com] of such an arrangement. And judging by her latest JE, LG has a long list of suitors. Although all seem to timid to risk crossing the perilous border crossing over the St. Lawrence river.
Re:Give up your Social Security, please (Score:1)
I've made the conscience decision to not have kids. (though I plan on trying and failing many times with many more women
Though, now that I think about it, I may have a kid when I'm 35, for the sole reason of that when I retire when I'm 50, I don't want to have to
Re:Give up your Social Security, please (Score:1)
For those who honestly think that it's worth having a kid so that you'll have someone to take care of you late
Touche! (Score:2)
For a different perspective on Canadian money things, I recommend to you the excellent writings of Linda McQuaig, who used to write for the National Post and now has a gig with the Toronto Star. (Conrad Black once said that she should be horsewhipped on national television, so what m
Actually, more like +5, funny (Score:2)
AFAIK, CPP and the other funds that will be contributing to my old age income, assuming, of course, that I retire, which I likely will never do because -- ahem -- I'm a writer, and writers usually retire shortly before someone shovels the first ceremonial scoop of dirt on their coffin; anyway, those funds currently have an enormous surplus, due to increasing contributions and stricter eligibility criteria. In fact (mutter, gnash, fume) the federal government hosed off so
Re:Actually, more like +5, funny (Score:1)
I knew you lived in Quebecistan or somewhere else in the 51st state. Seriously though, I meant to say something like 'social security' (lower case intended) to imply essentially any of the state supported programs in the Western World.
Besides, don't you think that unwanted children burden the social safety net even more than people who don't have children (And stuff about schools)
That's why, at the end of the day (and my earlier note) I said it's best if you (generica