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User Journal

Journal Journal: Another joke...

Before the jokes, I want to thank zedmelon for being my first (and so far, only) Slashdot friend. sniff. Thanks, man. It took me a while to realize what to click to return the favor, but I have.
I also wanted to mention if anyone is into HalfLife mod online gameplay, that I like to play DoD and have found two really great gaming communities with servers and forums to hang with. The one is a little strange its BuxomBombshells.com. These are guys in California (mostly) who play under the aliases of famous female film stars. They can explain themselves on their own website, but they are a good group to play with.
The other is a larger community. The Ville.org They have multiple servers and an active community.

Okay a little harsher joke, but still possible to tell at work.

This bartender is getting ready to close up and there is only one customer left in the bar. He's a drunk who is always hard to get rid of.
"C'mon buddy, last call is over. You gotta go, now.", the bartender says.
"Wha- ah c'mon man.", the drunk says as the bartender is shuffling him to the door.
"Hey, what's that?", the drunk asks.
"It's a dart board. Let's go.", the bartender replies.
"Oh hey, let me throw a dart. C'mon let me throw one! Please man, c'mon...", the drunk pleads.
"Oh for crying out loud." the bartender exclaims, "If I let you throw one, will you leave?"
"Yeah, yeah, I promise."
"Okay.", the bartender gets a dart from behind the bar and gives it to the drunk.
The drunk stands there weaving and hurls the dart across the room landing right in the bullseye.
"Whooo hooo!!", the drunk yells, "I got it, what do I win?"
"What do you win?!?", the bartender says, "You don't win anything its a game!"
"C'mon, that's not fair.", the drunk says, "I got it fair and square."
The bartender starts arguing with him and quickly realizes that the drunk guy is not willing to give up the notion that he won something with the bullseye throw. The bartender decides instead of arguing with the drunk, he will just give him something to get rid of him. He reaches behind the bar and grabs a turtle that he found on the way into work. He had planned to give it to his son, but he decides to give it to the drunk to placate him. The drunk is very pleased with this and staggers out.

A couple of nights later the drunk comes back. Sure enough at closing time, he doesn't want to leave and asks the throw a dart again. The bartender is frustrated, but figures that there is no way he could possibly get another bullseye, so he agrees. Miraculously, the drunk throws another perfect bullseye.
"Hoorrayyy!!", the drunk yells, "I did it again. I win!! I win!!"
The bartender closes his eyes and shakes his head in disbelief.
"What do I win?", the drunk asks.
"Oh god, I don't know..." the bartender replies, "What did I give you last time?"
The drunk says, "Roast beef on a hard roll."
User Journal

Journal Journal: Just Jokes...

I don't like spilling my guts out in these types of forums and my technical expertise isn't great enough for me to hold court in my own /. space. So, I guess instead of either whining about the job market for developers or critiqueing some Sci-Fi, I'll just post some jokes in my journal.

First couple of jokes are clean jokes. Most of the jokes I remember and think are funniest are slightly risque or crude. However, I have noticed that in a business environment or around friends that are church going or more conservative, I can really break the ice with a good clean joke. So, I try to remember the good ones that are inoffensive for just those sorts of occassions.

A guy's wife is 9 months pregnant. She wakes him up in the middle of the night to tell him it is time to go to the hospital. He is a bit spastic, so he runs around crazy and finally gets her into the car. He drives like a maniac, with her yelling at him to slow down until he runs a stop light and has an accident. His wife is fine, but he was rushing too much to put on his seatbelt and bumps his head and is knocked out.
He awakens in the hospital with a start. He tries to jump out of bed, but a nurse stops him.
"Sir you can't get up. You have a concussion."
"But you don't understand my wife is having a baby." he replies.
"Yes sir. She is fine. Your wife gave birth to twins an hour ago."
"WHAT?! Oh my God, I have so much to do, I have to get out of here."
"Please sir, calm down, we called your brother in law and he came down and took care of everything."
"Oh No! He's an idiot. What did he take care of?"
"He was very supportive of your wife, he filled out paperwork and he even named the children."
"What!?! Oh God, he named the children?! I'm afraid to ask, what did he name them?"
"Well you had a boy and a girl and he named the girl Denise."
"Denise? Denise. I actually like that. That's a nice name." he said smiling now, "Maybe he isn't such an idiot, after all."
They both chuckle.
"What did he name the boy?", he asked.

Okay, so its not the greatest joke. But you can tell that joke ANYWHERE.

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