Comment Re:August (Score 2, Funny) 1146
As a geek husband to a nerd wife - I can personally say that traditional marriage advice isn't as much help as some might suggest. However, I've also found that it's really quite easy and very rewarding if you can quickly work out the following details...
1) Fight well. I can't stress this enough, while arguing well with normal people is certainly important - arguing well with a fellow geek is imperative. Whether you are arguing about who the better Star Trek captain is, or who should do the dishes that night - geeks have strong opinions on all things that are generally based on well thought out logic. Chances are, in most situations you are both right according to your viewpoints. Learning to fight in a way that acknowledges that the fight is about a difference in opinion rather than a right/wrong dichotomy is the best way to maintain a good relationship. Keeping your cool and fighting on a logical basis will enable both of you to demonstrate respect for the other person's knowledge and experience. Of course, many fights are based on emotions that you don't fully understand but need to express - and understanding when this is occurring and to not take offense to these moments is also important. On the occasions that I yell at my wife - she almost immediately closes up and stops talking. She has confided to me that during these moments she simply thinks "wow, that is one angry monkey" and stops talking to give the "monkey brain" time to express itself.
2) Work together. Not necessarily at a job, but working together really builds a collective "us vs. them" attitude - even when "them" is the grass or laundry. Traditional sex roles don't really apply in a geek marriage (except of course, where they do) - so division of labor either doesn't exist or is negotiated explicitly. While division of labor is important the times that you work together are the moments that you really appreciate the contributions of the other (and geeks love to feel appreciated).
3) Unless otherwise stated, the ideas you read in books about how to make your wife feel special are full of crap (for a geek marriage). Yes, my wife likes flowers - but she'd return jewelry or any of the other varied objects of affection. The bad thing about this is that the traditional gifts are pretty worthless to her, so books don't help you. The good news is, she recognizes that time spent together is the best gift - since we both have hobbies that we might be doing otherwise. Stepping aside from a match of L4D and having a nice home cooked dinner together carries the same weight as other less practical gift giving might carry for other people.
4) You may find that some of the things that "normal" (boring?) wives do, simply don't happen. My wife hates to shop. I hate to shop. We rarely actually have new things like clothes because of it. While it's occasionally annoying to shop for my own underwear, it also means we never have to have a discussion about wasting money. It doesn't happen - except maybe for Transformers.
5) I asked my wife this question over lunch to see if she had any particular advice. He answer was rather poignant I think. "Two geeks getting married? They won't have any problems at all" I have to thank her for such unbridled optimism. She then followed it up with "He does know that actual emotion being expressed by either side is rare though, right? I hate emotional people." Quite right honey, quite right :-)
6) Almost forgot! give them time alone when they want/need it. They have their own projects they want to do - give them the independence to accomplish them and she'll give your yours.
1) Fight well. I can't stress this enough, while arguing well with normal people is certainly important - arguing well with a fellow geek is imperative. Whether you are arguing about who the better Star Trek captain is, or who should do the dishes that night - geeks have strong opinions on all things that are generally based on well thought out logic. Chances are, in most situations you are both right according to your viewpoints. Learning to fight in a way that acknowledges that the fight is about a difference in opinion rather than a right/wrong dichotomy is the best way to maintain a good relationship. Keeping your cool and fighting on a logical basis will enable both of you to demonstrate respect for the other person's knowledge and experience. Of course, many fights are based on emotions that you don't fully understand but need to express - and understanding when this is occurring and to not take offense to these moments is also important. On the occasions that I yell at my wife - she almost immediately closes up and stops talking. She has confided to me that during these moments she simply thinks "wow, that is one angry monkey" and stops talking to give the "monkey brain" time to express itself.
2) Work together. Not necessarily at a job, but working together really builds a collective "us vs. them" attitude - even when "them" is the grass or laundry. Traditional sex roles don't really apply in a geek marriage (except of course, where they do) - so division of labor either doesn't exist or is negotiated explicitly. While division of labor is important the times that you work together are the moments that you really appreciate the contributions of the other (and geeks love to feel appreciated).
3) Unless otherwise stated, the ideas you read in books about how to make your wife feel special are full of crap (for a geek marriage). Yes, my wife likes flowers - but she'd return jewelry or any of the other varied objects of affection. The bad thing about this is that the traditional gifts are pretty worthless to her, so books don't help you. The good news is, she recognizes that time spent together is the best gift - since we both have hobbies that we might be doing otherwise. Stepping aside from a match of L4D and having a nice home cooked dinner together carries the same weight as other less practical gift giving might carry for other people.
4) You may find that some of the things that "normal" (boring?) wives do, simply don't happen. My wife hates to shop. I hate to shop. We rarely actually have new things like clothes because of it. While it's occasionally annoying to shop for my own underwear, it also means we never have to have a discussion about wasting money. It doesn't happen - except maybe for Transformers.
5) I asked my wife this question over lunch to see if she had any particular advice. He answer was rather poignant I think. "Two geeks getting married? They won't have any problems at all" I have to thank her for such unbridled optimism. She then followed it up with "He does know that actual emotion being expressed by either side is rare though, right? I hate emotional people." Quite right honey, quite right
6) Almost forgot! give them time alone when they want/need it. They have their own projects they want to do - give them the independence to accomplish them and she'll give your yours.