Beating an Apple to pulp should be straightforward. According to Robowars footage those Androids can be pretty tough.

Dear Mr. Coward. Although your gesture is very poetic, and indeed almost sexual, it's entirely against protocol.
You can't seriously expect me to accept your offer without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months, can you.

I always keep my Swingline stapler on my person because it doesn't bind up as much, and I also keep the staples for the Swingline stapler with me. It's not okay for them to take my stapler, because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire...

Duh, then you just run Clamwin 3.33 times to catch everything.

"Your computer had a worm, but we've quarantined and destroyed it for you."
regards, IT security dep.

"General, we've identified a potential threat to Earth - the machine is paying off."
"Great news, colonel. What's the next strategic step."
"Bring a towel".

Dang, i should have known. The signs were there. My co-workers often knew word-by-word what i published on twitter.