I feel like the eternal ebb from the tides of sadness is waning. I'm handling school, work, love , and life in general. Yet I'm still lacking that sense of what I feel I should be experiencing. I don't necessarily feel sadness, it's more of just a lack of happiness. There's like a void inside of me where I think happiness should be, yet there's nothing. But I can't seem to pin down any exact thoughts that could be causing it. I'm beginning to discover more and more that perhaps this is

I've got you now! You're mine. I've spun a web of seduction in which you are now trapped, with no possible means of escape. The unavoidable is approaching, and you can do nothing but surrender to my will. Before you expire, I won't hesitate to play with you to my delight. You will become my slave, my puppet, my project. I will trick and treat you. I will devour and delete you. My seed has been planted, my plan has been unleashed. How long before you will succumb? Once the puppy, I a

I feel as if I'm on a constant emotional rollercoaster. One moment I feel confined by the straps that restrain my being, and I struggle to escape them unscathed. And yet another, I can't shake the helplessness of feeling completely drained of all emotion. It's almost as if I use up all my happiness in one day, and then feel weak and vulnerable for the next 7. As if feeling happy is a workout for my brain, and I've taxed it past exhaustion.

When I look at others and see them completely lost in another, I sometimes feel a sense of sadness. It feels almost as if I am eternally the guy on the side, watching from the sidelines, waiting, wondering.

Why can't it be my turn?

Sometimes I sit here and wonder what the point of it all is. Why am I typing words into a computer in the hopes that someday, perhaps someday, I'll understand what they mean? Why do I continuously ask retorical questions and expect a response? Am I waiting for something to just hit me, like a ton of bricks? Is realization going to ever set in, or do I have to create my own realization? And if so, realize what? That I'm not perfect? Realize what I want in my life and give myself some me

I wish to write more, so as to undestand these thoughts and feelings that rage through me like a hurricane.

I wish to understand more, in hopes that I can know true love with myself, and then possibly another.

I hope to dream more, and dream to live better. Always striving for the best I can, and always achieving everything that I wish.

I want to own it all, and feel that sense of satisfaction knowing that _I_ did this, and no other.

And so begins another semester this week. Hopefully, this will be by second to last before returning to USF. I'm pretty excited to get out of this poor excuse for a college, considering there doesn't seem to be too many people who are interested in actually graduating. At one point in time, I shared those same feelings and only did the minimal amount of work required to pass the class. Now, I've changed my perspective on my education, and can't wait to actually get into classes that will

Here I am, can you feel me?

Here I wait, don't you hear me calling?

I feel like I'm just barely missing you, as the days pass, more and more I want wish to be kissing you.

Who are you? What's your name...

Actually, I don't even care what your name is. I don't care what you look like, nor do I care what color your skin is. The only thing I do care about, is how you make me feel.

I find myself more and more each day yearning to fall asleep with another in my arms, and only to wake in the morning to that same person, still in my arms. I keep pretending what it will will like, what fragrence her hair may possess, what she'll wear to bed each night.

Is this what loneliness is?

Or is it anticipation?

I want to change. I want to be better. I want to excel at things. I want to be the best that I can. But I still have these feelings of despair and self-doubt that seem to prevent me from rising to the heights that I know that I'm capable of. It's almost as if there are two people struggling inside of me like two fat kids bouncing up and down on a playground sesaw. I know that I'm alot different than most, but why can't I find someone who's just like me? Not necessarily someone who's de

Sometimes I wonder. I wonder what I'm doing, what I am, and what I will be. But often, I don't have the answers to these nagging questions. So I continue to wonder. I think of the good times that I'll have sometime in the near future. But in doing this, am I really just missing the good times that I could be having right now. As if thinking about these times that haven't occured yet is really just wasting an opportunity to do something _now_. In this dream, am I actually benefiting from

I just saw "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" with Jim Carey, and all I can say is "Wow!" That movie hit home on alot of things that I've been going through in my own life. But I think of all, it made me realize that we are fortunate to have memories. It's only our perspective that determines whether or not they are good or bad.

I think that it's possible to turn a bad memory into something positive. I just wish I knew how.

Why do I let myself be affected by females? Is it because I've not grown up with a father-figure in my life, and look towards females as a source of emotion?

Or is it because I myself am more of an emotional creature than I think?

It seems that all I find lately are little girls who just want to play games. I know I'm interested in them, and they know the exact same thing. Yet, for whatever reason, they're scared to progress past the point of attraction.

I sometimes find myself wishing I had someone to hold against me. Someone who could feel completely at ease while lying next to me, naked and shivering in bed.

I want to know someone so well that just by looking at them, I'll understand what they're feeling at any given time. To be completely one with another person is exactly what I'm looking for.

Now that I know what I'm looking for, where to find her?