Comment JARED RETURNS!!! (Score -1, Offtopic) 219
The Adventures of Jared, Vol. 1: A Cautionary Tale
It was a balmy 70 degree day as Jared Fogel stepped out of his small corner apartment and headed down to his local Subway (store #16977) for the weekly Troll Tuesday special. Jared had every reason to be happy: his toll-free hotline was open 24 hours a day, and his "Army" of former fatties, culled from the ranks of those who had lost over 100 pounds at Subway, dispensed justice with an iron hand. The days of irate customers and devious managers subverting the ideals of Subway for their own nefarious reasons were long since gone. Now he and every registered Slashdot user could have the satisfaction of ordering a sub, loaded with succulent fresh vegetables and hearty meats and cheeses, for the low price of only $3.49 every Tuesday. The friendly Subway staff knew that Jared always ordered a 6" turkey sub and a bag of baked chips for lunch, and a 12" veggie sub for dinner, with extra veggies and no cheese, oil or mayo.
Upon walking into the store, however, Jared suspected that something was amiss. The formerly bustling lunch line had dwindled to just a few people, and there was not a single teenaged slacker or wandering vagrant to be seen. The potato chip rack was empty, chairs and tables were scattered haphazardly around, and there was an odd stench in the air not unlike a motherboard stuffed inside a dirty gym bag. Sudenly, his worst suspicions were confirmed as he heard the muffled grunting and snickering coming from the small crowd assembled in front of the counter. Jared's eyes widened in horror as he beheld no less than 12 filthy bisexual Linux hackers, ALL with their pants around their ankles, engaged in a man-train gangbang front of his beloved lunch counter! Suddenly one of the deviants spotted Jared standing in the doorway. "FRESH MEAT!!!" he yelled as he and his entourage stumbled, giggling and farting, toward the horrified customer. Quivering with rage, Jared quickly grabbed the soda machine and, with superhuman strength, toppled it onto the pack of leering perverts. With a muffled crunch, the 500-pound soda machine rolled over the unsuspecting hackers, crushing them under its massive bulk. After a quick trip to the dumpster to dispose of the remains, Jared hosed the bloodstains off the floor and opened the windows to air out the stench of sweat and freshly soldered video card that still lingered in the air. Soon the local Subway branch was filled once again with happy customers.
Sadly, not all stories have a happy ending, and the fact of the matter is that most cases of GNU/Linux use end in tragedy. Scientific studies show that Linux has been linked to illegal drug use, pedophilia, bestiality, necrophilia, nymphomania, and venereal disease. If you or any of your loved ones has been experimenting with this lifestyle, encourage them to seek help NOW, rather than suffer the heartbreak of watching them slowly but inexorably turn into an unwashed, effeminate GNU hippie in a pink t-shirt. The time to act is now, not later. The beginnings of Open Source advocacy must be stamped out early before they have time to develop into something far worse. You have been warned.
