Miami Dolphins: 29
New England Patriots: 28

Yes, call it the upset of the century.

With T.O. out, and New England forced to play at Pittsburgh (and possibly at Indy or San Diego if they don't get their shit together) ... Let's hear some props for my Steelers. How can anyone say they aren't the best team in the NFL? Bring on Tony Reali and the "Around the Horn" gang tomorrow. Wilbon and Kornheiser ... let's hear you say the men in black and gold aren't the best in the NFL now.

I'm so high right now and I haven't had a drop to drink! WHEEEE!

-Ab

"I believe there is a live 8-month-old fetus out there we need to find," he said. (source)

Yeah, the story's kinda sad, but to hear that quote out of context is interesting at the very least. It brings to the imagination a REALLY bad Scooby-Doo episode that never made it past the editing table.

-Ab

Tonight, I drove drunk. I know this because I'm still drunk while writing this. I had several opportunities to stay with various people tonight while at the bar, then at an after hours party, but all fell through.
      The first fell through when a cute girl that I've been flirting with for the last 3 weeks at the bar tried to take me home and her younger sister (who I used to work with) cut her off and made her leave.
      The second fell through when my usual fall back who lives downtown decided that he was going to invite his girl over for the night (not that I can blame him, since I set them up) and I lost my couch for the night.
      I had the opportunity to stay on my fraternity's couches down stairs, but I had no blanket and tried that last weekend. The chattering of my own teeth woke me up last week (and again tonight). The difference is last week I didn't wake up until 6am and was sober. Tonight I woke 15 min after falling asleep.

      So I drove the 4-5 blocks home. I'm not proud. I'm not happy about it. It's noone's fault but my own. Tomorrow, I will need to verify a downtown sleep spot before going out rather than assuming my buddy's couch will be there.

      After 12 years as a volunteer fireman specializing in vehicle rescue, I'm just glad I didn't do anything stupid to require my peers' work.

-Ab

so, I'm going through my spam box this week and I see one entitled "URGENT CHRISTIAN PROPOSAL." Being neither an idiot nor a christian I figure, "Let's read the 419 scam flavor of the month." Seems this month a former Kuwaiti oil baron turned Catholic Missionary in malaysia wants me to help him spend his former riches due to "God's will". All I need to do is send him my name, SS#, and bank-account. Yadda yadda yadda. Same crap, different day.

BUT ... then I notice an attachment. gggggggggggggggggggggg.txt. Now WHY would a spammer attach anything unecessary? That would just kill his throughput. So I bite, I open it up in KWrite and lo and behold .... JACKPOT!. It's his spam-list. 1000 emails (most looking surprisingly not-fakish, including mine). So, I start looking for other 419 scams ... must be a bunch from the same guy, cause they all had different attachments with 1000 emails listed.

seems mister dumbass spammer misconfigured his mail-bomber to attach the addresses as well as read them. Now I have over 10,000 email addresses ... what to do with them? So I put them all (minus my own) into my bayes filter and poof! 419's have been auto-filtered to the trash.

-Ab

We'll kick yer arse, ya Patriot scum!
We'll kick yer arse, and leave ya numb!
We'll drink ta yins, when the game is passed!
Ya Patriot scum, we'll kick yer arse!

and

Here we go! (bum. bum. ba-da-da-dum)
Picksburgh's goin' to da supabowl!
Here we go!

and

S-T-E-E-L-E-R-S!
Steelers is da very best!
Numba 1, ya bet yer duppa!
Steeler team is really super!

ok, enough Steeler songs. I'd get into "Shoot the Puck! Shoot the puck!" or "The day Lemieux Retired (Bye-bye French Canadian guy)" but my period of morning for the NHL hasn't passed yet.

-Ab

This is just to move someting that was on-topic and has since moved off topic out of someone else's journal so as not to bother them.

---------------

Re: HEY

I said that was stupid, because you were throwing your opinion no one cared about into a discussion where it was off-topic.

The hypocritical part is where you expect people to give a damn about your culture, whereas you find it necessary to bash theirs.

Again, pot-kettle. Kettle-pot. Nothing I said anywhere along the line was inflamatory or off topic. This thread (as perpetuated by the journal owner and I picked up in responses to HIS comment) was on the quality of the Daily Show. YOU turned it off topic into some psychological/sociological analysis of me to placate your own ego. I stated my opinion to the Journal writer's statements on the Daily Show in his comments. YOU attacked my opinions with absolutely no rhetorical back-up other than a most basic "Your an ass" (paraphrased on meaning, not a quote). Buff, CVR and I had a reasonably meaningful discourse going debating the merits of the TDS until you butted in.

Masterful troll or not, everything you've accused of me has been nothing more than a look in the mirror for yourself.
    - YOU are the one that moved the thread off-topic (I replied to Buff's comment ABOUT the quality of daily show)
    - YOU are the one telling me my opinion doesn't matter (implying that your opinion is superior)
      - YOU are the one belittling my feelings by calling them (quote) "stupid" without any sort of analysis or follow-up trying to support your position. It equates to 4yr old on the playground shouting "you're a doodyhead!"
      - YOU are the one pointing at semantics of my writing, rather than the content's meaning in hopes of trying to make youreslf look more intelligent when in fact the words you are sasying are completely devoid of content and meaning.

All in all, if you want to debate the merits of the Daily Show, I'm here. Craig Kilborn was amazing. Stewart came in and raised it to a new plateau. Indecision 2000 was amazing, but was essentially a 2 month skit. Now they are trying to relive that with indecision 2004, but that skit has been going on for almost 11 months and has just lost most of it's humor value.

As I said in a previous post (trying to keep the thread on topic, yet you continuously tried to pull off-topic again), the most telling sign that TDS doesn't belong on COMEDY central is its guests: Ed Koch, John Kerry (x2), Bill O'Reilly, Desmond Tutu, Seymour Hersh, Harry Bonilla, Wolf Blitzer, Bob Kerrey, Richard Clarke. These people aren't funny. They don't belong on Comedy Central any more than BattleBots ever did.

If there's any more convincing needed, Family Guy's rating for a given week is between 5.1 and 5.5 million viewers in the 11:00 time slot.
Daily Show's highest rated ever show was only 2.4 million viewers in the same time slot.

-Ab

Even the astrologers are getting into the spin. (link)

Just one excerpt:

Gemini
May 21 - June 20

As the world's most powerful nation prepares to choose the world's most powerful leader, we all have a stake in the proceedings. Whether or not you're an American, the candidate who wins the presidential election will deeply affect your personal future. In my estimation, John Kerry is far more likely to have a benevolent impact, George W. Bush a negative one. I've arrived at this conclusion by carefully paring away my emotional biases and taking an objective look at long-term planetary omens. In my capacity as your astrological advisor, then, I urge you to visualize Kerry being inaugurated as president next January. Now here's your homework: Meditate on Pericles' assertion that "Just because you don't take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you."

-Ab

Since September 11, 2001, Americans and Canadians have come together as never before in our generation. We have banded together to overcome tremendous adversity.

        We have weathered direct attacks on our own oil, wars overseas, corporate/government scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, mad cow, SARS, high gasoline prices, and a myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small.

        But now, we must come together once again to overcome our greatest challenge yet. Hundreds of Professional Hockey players in our very own nation are going to be locked out, living at well below the seven-figure salary level.

        And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming lockout situation.

        But you can help!

        For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an NHL player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it's a start, and every little bit will help!

        Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a hockey player it could mean the difference between spending the lockout golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, half a mortgage payment, or a month of medical insurance, but to a hockey player, $700 will partially replace his daily salary. Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

        HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?

        Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home.

        Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the lockout on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples'suffering.

        HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?

        Your NHL player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.

        YES, I WANT TO HELP!

        I would like to sponsor a locked out NHL player. My preference is (check below):

        [ ] Forward

        [ ] Defenseman

        [ ] Goaltender

        [ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team -$10 per minute)
        [ ] Jaromir Jagr (Higher cost: $32,000 per day)

        Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for the duration of the lockout. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with an Jaromir Jagr 2001 Income Statement and my very own Bob Goodenow (Executive Director of the NHLPA player's Union) pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $80 for hat).

        Your Name: ___________________________

        Telephone #: _________________________

        Account #: _________________________

        Exp.Date:_______

        [ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other

        Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):

        Account #: ___________________________

        Exp.Date:_______

        [ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other

        Signature

        ___________________________________________

In response to Fort Knox's journal entry:

It did seem a good post at first, until the end when t_m_p starts attacking his audience. Good job trolling. It's even more evident in his responses to the replies.

After reading the thread, I think I can sum up his argument as:
      1. "It's illegal to download copyrighted material without the owners permit and you are a criminal if you do it."
      2. "If you download copyrighted material and you support the GPL, you are a hypocrite."
      3. "There is no difference between the 'little guy' and 'big business' when it comes to the law"

This is all good, and totally true and not really arguable. But lemme propose the issue in another fasion:

$LAW prevents $PEOPLE from $ACTION which they think they should be allowed to do. In fact, it makes $ACTION illegal. $PEOPLE is not an insignificant proportion of the population. $POWER thinks the law is just and should be kept in place, if not strengthened even more. $PEOPLE are just criminals, miscreants, or other social problem groups. $PEOPLE actin in defiance declaring the law unjust.

I think that about sums t_m_p's original reasoning (using claarifications from his follow-up posts) into as generic an argument as it can get. In his argument:
      $PEOPLE = Filesharers (mostly students, but not all)
      $POWER = Media Corporations (RIAA, MPAA, broadcast and cable TV networks)
      $ACTION = P2P fileshahring
      $LAW = Copyright law

Now let's look at other cases that fill in the same blanks:
      $PEOPLE = 13 colonies
      $POWER = England
      $ACTION = representation in government
      $LAW = questionable taxation aand reregulation
or
      $PEOPLE = Women
      $POWER = Men
      $ACTION = Voting
      $LAW = Voting requirements
or
      $PEOPLE = non-land owners
      $POWER = Land owners
      $ACTION = voting
      $LAW = voting requirements (yes, if the laws hadn't changed, renting your home could've precluded you from the right to vote)
or
      $PEOPLE = Blacks
      $POWER = Whites
      $ACTION = just about anything
      $LAW = Jim crow, 3/5ths person, voting, you name it...
or
      $PEOPLE = workers
      $POWER = corporations
      $ACTIONS = forced unpaid overtime, company stores, child labor
      $LAW = pre-union, pre-OSHA, laws

My point is, that when enough people become alienated by a law designed to allow a small, elite group to stay in power, those people rebell. Sometimes in organized rebellions, sometimes in spontaneous unification.

I think t_m_p's entire post was on the money ... except the conclusions he drew from his listed facts, which were drawn up purely to get a reaction.

YHBT. YHL. HAND

-Ab

And so it begins. I've been warned by my university (who's network I don't use nor do I even have an activated log-in) that I'm to use Napster "at no direct cost" or get sued. Funny how they fail to mention that they charge us $10/mo in a lump sum on our semester bill as a "technology fee" on top of what they used to charge.

From: "Rod Erickson, Executive Vice Provost"
To:
Date: 9/8/2004 9:01:28 PM
Subject: Copyright Issues and Napster

Dear Penn State Student:

I want to personally welcome you to the start of Fall Semester 2004. I wish you a successful and productive academic year.

Almost every student has a personal computer and has connected it to the Penn State network either directly or indirectly. Networks bring with them many opportunities to explore a wide range of subjects. But networks also represent a hostile world, making it imperative that we proactively protect both our own computer and Penn State's network.

There are a number of resources that will help you to protect your computer, including anti-viral software and spyware, available at no charge from Information Technology Services either on the PAC-ITS CD you received in your residence hall room or at http://downloads.its.psu.edu/. It takes very little time to secure your computer against network threats and keep your online experience safe and productive. And the peace of mind you will gain is priceless.

There is yet another serious computer issue that concerns all of us -- copyright infringement.

In the last few years, many people have learned that they can obtain music and other media through the Internet. Unfortunately, the common result has been unauthorized downloading of copyrighted material. Please understand that making such copies is against federal and state laws. It is also a violation of University policy.

Under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA), copyright infringement is a serious violation and is subject to harsh penalties. The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) and the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) have increased their enforcement efforts. The last thing I want is for our students to be punished for something they mistakenly thought was not a serious matter.

Students who make or distribute copies could lose their network access privileges at Penn State and face the possibility of lawsuits from the music industry. For the most serious offenders, criminal charges can result as well. I urge you to think carefully about the risks you are taking if you make illegal copies.

I recommend that you take time to learn more about this issue. The Information Technology Services Web site http://its.psu.edu/ discusses this matter further under the heading "It's so cool to get any song I want from the net." There is other valuable information on the Web listed under "Copyright Resources" at http://its.psu.edu/policies/.

For those who want to download music for free from the Internet, I suggest you register at http://napster.psu.edu for the Napster Premium Service Penn State is offering. This legal and free service offers music streams or downloads from over 800,000 songs, access to professional radio stations, pre-released exclusives, and more! Last spring, the Napster program was only available to students who lived in a residence hall on any campus. Over 85% of our residence hall students signed up for the service during our pilot semester. Napster's Premium Service is now available to all students at all campuses at no direct charge irregardless of where you live. I understand that a large number of students have already signed up for the service. If you have not done so, I encourage you to register for the legal Napster service..

Again, I wish you a great academic year, and urge you to take the ramifications of copyright infringement seriously and resist the urge to engage in illegal downloading or file sharing. Napster is the best outlet for a Penn State student to access a world of music and to do it legally.

Sincerely,

Rodney A. Erickson
Executive Vice President and Provost of the University

I love holidays. Boy, this was a fun weekend.[/sarcasm] As I write this, I'm dehydrated to the point of incapacitance. I've drank 4 glasses of water in the last hour and am still hurting. More on that later. Let's start on Friday.

Friday Afternoon: The one fun/interesting thing that happened happened while I was walking across campus. I was walking across Old Main (the main administrative building at Penn State). There were these 2 girls handing out flyers to EVERYONE that walked by. They were running down people purposely trying to avoid them. All I could think of was the Mitch Hedberg comedy routine, "Here! You throw this away." As I walked by, I tried to avoid eye contact (even though I had sunglasses on). The one girl took 2 steps towards me, stopped and just looked at me and went back. That's when I knew that I finally had the look I was working so hard for. Shaved head, 6 inch goatee, 6'4" 285 pounds of "leave me the fuck alone". Made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. :)

Friday evening: This is were things started to go real bad. I was supposed to work at my old bar (I put my 2 weeks notice in and this was my last weekend). I was supposed to work 10pm till close, but they called me off at 9:30. I made some calls and was going to meet friends. We go out and are standing in line for the bar when my phone rings again. Seems business picked up and they now needed me bad. Unfortunately, I love my coworkers, just hate the owner, so I went. I worked a shitty shift that was nothing but non-stop assholes and got home at 3:45am.

Sat morning: I get up at 11 cause I have my last shift from 1-7. Work through the football game. Wasn't so bad (PSU crushed Akron).

Sat night: This is where bad went to worse. I got drugged at the bar. Me, my good drinking buddy, and another friend of ours all got nailed with either roofies or GHB. We went down to a bar that just re-opened and I'm going to be working at in 2 weeks. My and my friend (B.) went down to see our friends' band (shameless plug). We each bought a pitcher of Labatt blue around 10pm and watched the show. Another friend of mine (C.) showed up with his hot, blond, really shy and quiet girlfriend (M.). Me and B. finished our pitchers around 10:45 and decided to get 2 captain and cokes each cause they were on special till 11. C. bought 2 pitchers, one for him and M. and oncefor me and B. He set them on the bar behind us. Him and M. drank theirs. Mine and B.'s sat behind us while we were turned around watching the band. We finished our drinks around midnight and switched to our pitcher. At this time, another friend of ours (A.) showed up and we poured him a beer from our pitcher. This is were things started to go bad. B is my height, but 60 pounds lighter. He's irish and the 2 of us have been known to drink enough to kill an elephant and STILL go for more. A. was the first to drop. He said he wasn't feeling good and went home. I was just starting to feel buzzed and I bought 8 shots of Yaegermeister (for me, C, M, B, and the 4 guys in the band). B. Left shortly later at 12:45 without finishing his beer. I stayed with C. and M. but I was feeling RETARDED. I was having problems standing upright and was falling into people. I made it till the end of the show (barely), bought 2 six-packs, and tried to walk to B.'s place (my old place) 2 blocks away. I don't remember getting there, but I passed out on another guy's couch (W.) I woke up saturday morning around 11:30.

Sun Morning: Everyone was going camping. I got up (felt like hell) and W. asked me what the hell happened? He'd never seen me bring beer back before 2 and not drink it. He said that I was so uncoherant that he told me to pass out on his couch and all I said back was, "Thanks, cause I don't know how I was going to get home, cause I barely drank, but I'm in NO shape to drive." I walked downstairs to B.'s room and he said, "What the hell happened last night? K. (his not-GF, but she'd be pissed off if he heard her say that) stopped over and he was already passed out. We joked how we must of been slipped something cause we're definitely not that much of a lightweight. We all went camping and didn't think much of it, that is, until A. showed up around 4:30. He asked US what happened cause he only had the 1 beer from our pitcher and passed out 30 min later. That's when B. and I looked at each other and said, "Damn, maybe we were drugged." C. was there and said that some big guy kept putting his arms around him and M. trying to be all buddy-buddy. At the end of the night, he put his hand up M.'s skirt just after I left. We surmised that he saw C. buy the 2 pitchers, he assumed they were both for him and M. While we had our backs turned to the bar watching the show, he slipped something in it hoping to make C. and M. pass out so he could get on M. Unfortunately, the pitcher was for me and B. and we ended up getting it. So we got drugged instead of them. Me and B. decide to leave camping early and head home.

Sun night: Neither me nor B. really felt like going out now, but a girl that I like hanging out with called me, so I went anyways. Now, in PA, we have really crappy blue laws and there are only 5 bars with sunday licenses in town. Add that to the fact it's a monday holiday and a home football game, the lines were rediculous. Me and B. finally get in with 10 minutes till the special is over. I got 4 pictures of liquor and we find the girl and sit at their table. Now, this girl (E.) has friends that don't like me very much cause my downstairs neighbor called the cops on them several times (they live next door and get rowdy drunk often). They still think I did it, so it was more than a little awkward. After 20 minutes, they decide they're going to a party and drag her with them. Me and B. stay till close, have a few more pitchers, randomly met an old friend of mine who is the best friend of an ex-GF of mine. We all go back to B.'s and drink till 3am. I sleep on B's couch.

Mon Afternoon: me and B. both wake around 12:30. After watching several episodes of American Chopper, we decide to goto a chinese buffet to eat. We get there around 4pm. After 2 trips, we decide to "tap-out". B. wants to grab some dessert, so I grab a small bowl of ice cream, 1 scoop of mint-chocolate chip, and 1 scoop of what I thought was cookies & cream. I have sensative teeth and don't bite into cold things. I put a spoonful in my mouth and let it melt down. There was a chuck of chocolate rather than a cookie. I pulled it out and looked it oddly then bit into it. It was a mini peanut butter cup. My mouth ballooned immediately. I spit it all out before I swallowed any, We had taken B's truck to the buffet, so I didn't have any benedryl nor my Epi-pen. I sent B next door to Wal-Mart to get Benedryl. They gave him a hard time leaving so I paid for our meals while he ran (the people didn't speak english and didn't understand what was going on). I started walking over and met B's while he was in line. I opened up the meds and took 12. before we even paid. My tongue and lips were so swollen by this point, that I was drooling uncontrollably. B. took me home and I passed out from all the benedryl. I just woke up and there is the most disgusting pool of drool on my pillow. The reaction is basically over, but I feel like a mack-truck hit me. I super dehydrated from drinking last night, the benedryl, and the reaction and I have to be at work in 5hrs.

I hate holidays.

-Ab

...but this poor girl is allergic to God.

-Ab

Anyone know what's going on? I moved Monday-Tuesday and don't have internet access yet at my new place. I've been trying all day to get on from work (since I haven't been there in 2 days, I imagine I've been hammered pretty hard).

Any word on why it's down?

-Ab

Just curious, why did you friend me? I'm not complaining, but I can't remember ever having any interaction with you, and I read your last posts (as shown when looking at your listings) and I'm rather anti-christian in my beliefs, but not in my person. I don't believe in god or Christ, and often feel the urge to point out inconsistancies which often is taken the wrong way. I just point out things to try and force thought on the matter, not to insinuate that there is a fallacy.

Anyways, just curious on what I did/wrote to cause you to friend me. :)

-Ab

(Shamelessly reposted from Craig's list without the owner's permission. Just one more reason, I guess.)

Why we all drink
Reply to: anon-34118726@craigslist.org
Date: Fri Jun 18 12:20:48 2004

Upon stepping into the office this morning, I had two different people remind me what day it is. "It's Friday" they spouted, as if they had just unveiled some hidden truth about life......no shit it's Friday, believe it or not I have a vague understanding of the passing of time, and keep myself moderately aware of what day in the week it is. But thanks anyway, lest I forgot and had the horrible misfortune of thinking it was Thursday. Could you imagine? The horror.

So what does Friday really mean? Why do people feel the need to tell you what day it is? I don't recall many occasions where an excited employee nudged me w/ a pointy elbow to remind that it was, in fact, Tuesday. "Dude, it's Tuesday, sweet." Well, the reason is most of us hate our jobs, and Friday is our welcome respite from the soul shitting grind that is the working week. And what do most of us do on a Friday night? Drink. Self-medicate. Salute ourselves for another listless week by flooding our central nervous system with what is essentially poison. Before you think me some finger pointing parade rainer, please know that I love, love the poison.

So we drink, letting our horrid memories of pointless meetings, inane office banter, the sound of the printer spitting out the dead carcasses of our beloved, oxygen giving trees just so everyone in the office can read yet another idiotic memo from the CEO reminding us all of the importance of "hammering the phones" (this ass-clown refuses, refuses to email the memos, declaring that it's much more "personal" when it's tangible, in your hand, and you're reading it. Note to cock-smoke, no one reads them anyway, you'd have a better shot at getting us to look at a feces-smeared scrap of notebook paper and sticking that on our desks, you raging, insufferable, overpaid mental midget.) By the way, why couldn't someone have told me that the phone would be such a huge part of corporate life? I don't remember hearing in college "by the way, 89% of you will make a living by incessantly calling uninterested parties via the telephone and trying like holy hell to get them to purchase something you yourself don't even understand or believe in, enjoy, you're doing yeoman work!" So, we drink, we drink to wash it all away, to silence the demons that fester in our skulls Monday through Friday, that feed off our collective apathy as we whither away in front of the true idiot box (the computer has officially taken over the T.V as the single most contributing factor in the decline of modern civilization, causing at the very least eye damage, and the worst, total and complete mental breakdowns. If Google's pop-up blocker didn't come around, I'd be serving 25 to life right now for some sort of reprehensible crime). So we drink, we drink to forget and to forgive. To forget the past 5 days, and forgive ourselves for what we're about to do in the next two. To forgive ourselves for not becoming what we always dreamed. To forgive ourselves the rampant complacency that has taken a hold of us as we watch our lives slip away, one company-wide email at a time.

So we drink. Like rabbits fuck, we drink, from close of business to close of bar, we imbibe enough alcohol in one sitting in the vain[1], fruitless attempt to carve out just a smidgen of fun in an this suddenly barren, bleak, pale existence we call our lives.

Okay, I think I'm getting a bit too depressing. It's Friday after all, as I was just reminded by Kelly, our sales engineer, as I was typing this. Actually, I should be clearer, she said, "Hey hun, T.G.I.F, right?" I should have replied "L.O.L Kelly, hopefully we both get a little T.L.C tonight, oh, B.T.W, fuck off."

Kelly's a nice girl; I should take this out on her.

So we drink. Like Republicans lie or Democrats waiver, we drink; we drink more than Market Street smells. We drink more than the Muni line 30, 41, and 45 through Chinatown blows. We drink more than Ted Kennedy's third liver could ever hope to possibly expunge. We drink because we can. We drink because we must.

Now of course, there are some of you out there who like their jobs. A few who dare use the word "love." But you're not reading this, b/c you're busy doing what you enjoy, not scouring CL for something or someone to buy/sell/trade/dump/fuck/rant/rave/find/steal/lie to/lie about/and all other things Craig.

We drink because Katie, our manager, is so insecure she actually makes breathing awkward.

We drink because Bruce, the VP of being a incredible ass-face (and Biz-Dev) insists upon wearing enough cologne to the point where lighting a match anywhere near him is potentially life threatening.

We drink because Michael, the homophobic advertising guy, gets all red in the face if you call him "Mike." So of course, we call him Mike often, cutting off the "e" at the end to emphasize the point that we're really, really enjoying it.

We drink because if we have to endure one more Friday afternoon meeting, we might just projectile vomit in Kevin's glandular, gnome like face. Just because you don't have a life doesn't mean the rest of us want to sit down at 4:45 on a Friday to discuss the company's direction for Q3. You see Jeff's left eye twitching? I'd give this meeting another 3 minutes before he reaches across the table and pulls one of your ears off, Kev. The man's in a custody battle for his children and you're taking time away from his weekend with them because you're a selfish, horrible man. And if Kevin does blow, you can bet your ass Mitch, the North West sales manager will. I swear that guy starts off cooking some chicken by biting their fucking heads off. Do you hear his unending finger tapping on the faux-marble table? Notice how the pace quickens every few minutes? Well Kev, you've got a few more seconds of being a bullshit blowhard until Mitch pulls your heart of your fucking chest.

We drink because there's no such thing as a good week of work.

We drink because if Jessica doesn't say, "this is a mission critical decision" at least 4 times a week, it means she was out sick three days. Jessica, it's an office supply order for Staples, how in HOLY HELL is that mission critical? Do you even know what mission critical means? Do you? You're the office manager, not the board chairman, the phrase "mission critical" should never, EVER come out of your mouth. It's a stapler, not a funding request, chill the fuck out.

We drink because there is no such thing as a uni-sex bathroom. It's a girl's bathroom people. You wonder why us guys leave the office at least twice to three times a day, not including lunch? It's because we have to shit, and we can't very well shit in that veritable Globe Theatre of a restroom, where every sound is amplified ten fold. The one time I just had to go (note to Jessica, now that was a mission critical decision) and simply couldn't make it to the hotel across the street (those people must have caught on that I'm not staying there, considering they see me every fucking day) I took a shit in the uni-sex bathroom, and what ensued was an anal-philharmonic, led by yours truly, in which the entire office was privy to every fart, grunt, and bowel-related sound effect I had to offer. I felt like taking a bow when I got out, possibly chugging some coffee and going in for an encore. So no, it's not uni-sex, it's a girl's room. You might as well stick a huge tampon on the door with a note reading "No Y Chromosomes allowed." Oh, and Regina...I salute your utter shamelessness when it comes to shitting. I've never, ever seen a women carry the paper under arm when she walks into the bathroom. Bra-fucking-O my girl. Truly, classic stuff.

We drink because we know Ted's gay, the whole office knows Ted's gay, Ted's friends and family know Ted's gay, and we're pretty sure at this point Ted must be vaguely aware he's gay, yet he still insists upon talking about all the "hot ass" he "tags" over the weekend. Note to Ted, it's not working amigo, when you can recite more show tunes than Nancy, who worked on Broadway in Manhattan for 4 years, well, it's time to take the jaws of life to that closet door and step out into the world the way you were intended. Thing is Ted, everyone likes you, you're good people, and coming out won't change that, it will simply save us from the intensely awkward experience of suffering through one of your bullshit "she was so hot and then we did this and that" stories. How come we never see this girls Ted? How come they never call, never email, and what's that stain on your shirt? It doesn't look like mayo.

We drink because we all know that "lunch and learn" really means "this will be the worst lunch you'll have all week" as we're forced to share low-rent burrito's at Chevy's and listen to some hired-gun of a sales guy tell us all how we have to "want it" more than the other guy. Hey Chet, this is software sales, not rugby, now fuck off.

We drink because Amanda in finance is hot, and Tom in HR thinks he's going to bang her, and as God in heaven is my witness, if he does I will completely shut down and cry myself to sleep, because Tom in HR is quite possibly a larger d-bag than Kevin, and should he bed Amanda, well, then..nothing is right in the world. We drink because we're afraid that might happen, and we drink because we're too afraid to talk to Amanda, save for the pathetic "warm today" comment we threw at her on Tuesday. No shit it's warm today, she too must come from outside like the rest of us, it's not as if she wakes up, showers, than steps in her transporter and beams herself to work. She goes outside too, you fuck. And by you, I mean me.

We drink because we're almost positive Brett and Stu are get stoned at lunch, and we're pissed they haven't invited us along yet.

We drink because the last time someone said something funny at work it was completely unintentional, and it revolved around a Freudian slip when Kev, at the end of one of his marathon Friday meetings, was trying to answer Mitch's constant interjections over our marketing budget but also trying to keep Brian quiet and ended up trying to speak to them both at the same time, calling Mitch "Bitch". Hilarious. The fact that Kev survived that meeting is a testament to the fact that he's like a cockroach, and could survive anything. A nuclear holocaust ensues, we're all dead...and there will be Kevin, holding court in a Friday afternoon meeting with three charred corpses and half a human head, wondering aloud "where everybody is?"

We drink because calling our work weekend in Reno a "retreat" is an oxymoron. It's not a retreat, it's an assault, an assault on everything we hold dear...how DARE you ask me to give up a weekend to go to a conference w/ the whole company in Reno. I'd rather eat Kevin's shit. Okay, that's a little too far. I'd rather throw shit at Kevin. Actually, come to think about, throwing shit at Kevin would be kinda high on my list of things to do over a weekend.

We drink because Shelly has now tried to arrange four different happy hour get togethers and the only one who shows up is Kelly and Mitch, and the only reason Mitch shows up is because he's a drunk. We drink at some other bar, out of sadness for Shelly. And Mitch.

We drink because the thought of Monday is enough to make us cry.

And finally, we drink because in the end, when it's all said and done, we have much to celebrate. We are lucky enough to have the luxury of bitching about corporate jobs and cubes and the bullshit office when you consider the state of affairs for most of this planet's inhabitants, every day a true struggle, food and a roof over their heads never a certainty, but rather something they strive for. We drink because in the end, we're lucky, spoiled, pampered brats, we know it.

We drink because we can.

We drink because we have to.

Copyright © 2004 craigslist

[1] ed. note: corrected spelling from vein

-Ab