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Return of The Onion 95

binarydreams writes "Rejoice. The Onion is back with a new edition, after a month's hiatus. During the break they have done a little redesign of the main page. I've got some reading to do. " As always, the Onion brings a smile to my face, along with some belly laughs, and some sort of problem with my digestive system.
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Return of The Onion

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  • Absolutely. I'm often put off by Segfault
    articles that just go a bit TOO FAR, and should
    never go beyond the inital joke, but The Onion
    writers seem to be able to extend jokes for quite
    a few paragraphs without going soft or lame.
    Copycat's like "The Mushroom", simply can't

    Certainly one of my favorite sites.
  • Not only would it be cool, it _is_ cool. Our universe is a subatomic particle for other universes, and our subatomic particles are universes in themselves. For there is infinitely enormous matter as we know it, and there is infintessimally minute matter...... therefore, it is no theory, it is a reality. We just have problems seeing it and comprehending it, because of it's grand scale.
  • Not all of them make it into the "previous stories" area the first time around, so sometimes the Onion folks re-run them. The "Civil War Re-enactors Burn Atlanta to Ground," was one of them, IIRC.

    I think it's nice to see some of the timeless classics roll around again. Oh, and don't forget to buy the book ;)

  • ummm... then what's the difference?
  • They interviewed Scott Dickers on Fresh Air this morning, and they played some audio clips from the tape version of our dumb century.
    "Houston, I'm on the f*kking moon, over."
    It was great!
    Anyone else totally in love with Smoove B? :-P

    The Divine Creatrix in a Mortal Shell that stays Crunchy in Milk
  • I lived in Boulder for a long time, and we had the onion there as well. It was a localized version, too. Also, I think they signed a distribution deal with Borders, so any place that has Borders bookstores should have the Onion as well.
  • Either use a modem to dial up to your ISP, or hack the company proxy server and kill the site blocking software's process. Of course, if you knew how to do the latter, you probably wouldnt be asking how to bypass it.
  • try using the anonymizer or other proxy sites..

  • I always liked their piece about the Church deciding to replace the New Testament with a bunch of lyrics from Yes albums... ;-)

    Zontar The Mindless,

  • You mentioned a few of mine, but here are the rest:

    Absolute must-reads:
    -Microsoft patents ones, zereos
    -Revolutionary New Insoles Combine Five Forms Of Pseudoscience
    -98 Homosexual-Recruitment Drive Nearing Goal
    -'I Provide Office Solutions,' Says Pitiful Little Man
    -Congress Passes Americans With No Abilities Act
    -Funny story about this one - I cut it out and left it on my desk at home, which is near the dining room. We had my neighbor over, who is an avid Rush Limbaugh fan and watches C-Span constantly and follows the Drudge report. He saw the article sitting on the desk, with a big color photo of Clinton signing the bill, and had a fit!

    Other good ones:
    -The Onion's Guide to Human Interaction
    -Apple Employee Fired For Thinking Different
    -Coca-Cola Introduces New 30-Liter Size
    -New Smokable Nicotine Sticks- Can They Help Smokers Quit?
    -Heads Need To Be Cracked In!
    -Man, This Pepsi Pop-Culture Bottlecap Game Is Fun!
    -I Think That Stripper Really Liked Me
    -Point-Counterpoint On-The-Job Harassment
    -Christ Demands More Money
    -American People Ruled Unfit To Govern
    -First-Amendment Bug Removed From Bill Of Rights 2.0
    -Nation's Educators Alarmed By Poorly Written Teen Suicide Notes
    -Vatican Rescinds 'Blessed' Status Of World's Meek- 'Screw The Meek,' Says Pope
    -Doctors Find New Way To Prolong Meaningless Existence
    -Man Required To Wear Tie Decides It Might As Well Be Wacky
  • Oh, Christ, not again...

    Believe it or not, "eye travel" and the rest of your "pro" sh*t do not make web sites better. Far from it. The more crap people like you add to their site, the better the content has to be before I'll even try to read it.

    I'll say it slower. C O N T E N T.

    Which the Onion always did do well, and still do.

  • There's a scene in Animal House where a few people get stoned and discuss this theory.

    There's a hilarious parody of this in Revenge of the Nerds 2. Again a bunch of people are getting stoned. The nerds are spouting some theories along the lines of WOBAD, and then Ogre (stereotypical "dumb jock") says "what if C-A-T really spelled DOG?"

  • Darn it! I knew they were coming back from hiatus and wanted to go visit, but now that it's been announced here, I can't get to it!

    Guess I'll have to wait 'til mornin'...
  • Open my browser bigger than 800 wide? Thats why I bought such an effing huge monitor, and run it at a high resolution. Its always open at least 950 wide, and I still have plenty of real estate for other things. With such a large screen and high resolution, I doubt my eye travel is too great compared to my friends who like 800x600 on their 17" monitors. Many webpages are designed so that they look like crap when they are opened bigger 800 wide. What makes 800 wide such a special number anyway? Just because it is a least common denominator does not mean it is 'correct' or 'best' for all pages.

    That said, the type is too small under Linux Netscape, a common failing apparently caused by Microsoft, if I read some of the other comments correctly.

  • Actually, I believe Windows has always displayed fonts at a larger than normal size in all applications. Its creators reasoned that reading small letters would be more dificult on a screen than on paper, so they increased the average on-screen font size by about two points. It's not an evil plot; it's a relic from the days when Microsoft was genuinely concerned about ease of use.
  • True story: The Onion contacts a professor of political science who specializes in Russia and asks whether he knows some people who could dress up like they're in the SCA. Little do they know that they've asked the submissions herald for the Middle Kingdom, who offers to do one better and provide actual SCA members. The guy in the hat is a viscount.
  • we get the onion for free here in denver too. there's actually a box right outside of my work - one of the few amenities.
  • and this brings a new light on reincarnation:
    we dumbasses out here don't have to be born as the same lame dumbasses in our world again - but if we have been a good person (*grin*) we will become a member of the superior universe (where our universe is a molecule and the galaxies are the atoms, as every child knows - ask them).
    all we will try to do then is destroy all our lower universes - so that there is no place to step back when you were a bad fuckin guy.
    that's exactly what most of us try to do right know - so the above is proven :-)
  • In actuality, The Onion is a newspaper. You can pick them up free at a variety of locations in Madison, Wisconsin. I think it was launched fall of 1988, so the web presence is comparatively new. The print version is also available by subscription, and I've heard that people outside of Madison who get the print version think the ads are all made up. No, we actually do have Pizza Pit, Big Mike's Super Subs, etc.
  • the hardcopy is available nationwide now...I get it at a newsstand in wash, dc
  • has anyone else noticed this before

    "The Onion® is not intended for readers under 18 years of age."

    better move it into the 'Financial' bookmark folder
  • Your employer's censorware [] probably also blocks the Anonymizer [] (which someone else suggested).

    To really get around it, you'll want to find out which product you're up against, and then visit PeaceFire []. They have instructions to get around a variety of different products, possibly including yours.

    Jamie McCarthy

  • I can see it fine. I'm using Netscape, and 1600x1200 resolution. No small fonts or nothin.
  • How about: Super Monkey Collider Loses Funding - This could almost be a \. headline.
  • Content is king, but things like eye travel are heavily studied (there's an entire science to Computer-Human Interaction). Sites designed for high usability ARE better. Poor eye travel makes some sites practically unreadable (see Suck []). Bad decisions about interactivity make you re-learn how to use the web every time you visit a new site. Stuff like Flash wrecks the standard conventions of how you normally interoperate with the web. Long load times make you lose interest in content before it even arrives.

    You take cues from design every day; you just don't know it. You decide whether things are too cheap or too expensive based on what fonts and colors are used in their packaging. You instinctively use roads and walkways according to how they are designed.

    You would complain if the "up volume" button on your remote control was far away from the "down volume" button. If you got into a car, and the gas pedal and brake pedal were reversed, you could die. If someone gave you a business card that was 8 1/2" by 11", you'd throw it away in disgust. If you came across a parking lot with no lines, you probably wouldn't be able to get your car in or out.

    So why complain about quality design and usability choices on the web? Sorry, it's because you don't know any better.

  • I just hadda include that headline after your Supreme Court Headline. But just in case someone bothers to read this post, the all-time best Point-Counterpoint was "Humidity", debated between a humidifier and a de-humidifier.
  • Regardless of being a parody, The Onion is one of the best journalistic websites on the internet today. The articles (while humorous) are very well written, and add that tinge of humor to make it all around quality. Many "funny" websites try to be TOO funny, but the Onion is different. It gives the feel of a real newspaper, and at the same time delivers a funny slap in the face.

    Glad to see 'em back.

    -- Give him Head? Be a Beacon?

  • Ya the onion rocks!! And it's even better if you live in Madison, WI, like me, or surrounding area and can get a hard copy!

    Very glad to see them backonline... even though my work proxy forbids us to go there! we still get there other ways :D
  • Dude, EVERYBODY has thought of that theory. That's what they are making fun of.
    Put Hemos through English 101!
  • The text is so smmmaaaaallll..

    man, I remember when they first whent on hiatus, it seemed like forever. time moves way to fast, I don't want my summer to end :(
    "Subtle mind control? Why do all these HTML buttons say 'Submit' ?"

  • So, like, your dad and you used to, ya know, like, *puff* a lota shit, right?

  • What Monty Python is to television/film, the onion is to the Web.

    If you haven't read their book called "OUR DUMB CENTURY", it's a great way to review the last 100 years and remember all that's happened in a way that's much more entertaining than a jr. college american history class.

  • Agreed; one needs to be from Madison to really appreciate all of the humor in the Onion.

    Besides, it was cool to have the Onion there all through high school (in the days before the widespread use of the web).


  • Yes! Some good news! I've been missing The Onion's humour, the lack of it has been having a negative effect on me! Time to go over there and refuel...
  • "Our Dumb Century" is brilliant. I use it as a history reference.. well, not for assignments or anything like that but when I just want to find out when something happened or a little more about it. Sure I may be nuts, but.. well.. err, can't really say anything to that. :)

    I just wish it was cheaper to subscribe to the hardcopy version internationally.. actually, the site only mentions Europe so I doubt I could even get it here in Australia. Grr.

  • I must agree. Living in Madison has spoiled me because I can get the Onion's print version every Wednesday.

    The print version has always had more articles than the web version. I believe several major booksellers including Barne$ and Noble carry The Onion nation-wide these days. Though it's published in Madison, WI, it's been available in Chicago & New York for awhile. My point is to suggest that those of you who aren't so fortunate as to live in Mad City go find yourselves a print copy or even subscribe. It's well worth it. Also, try to pick up Our Dumb Century and the book on tape. The Onion staff did all of the voices on the tape, and it's set up like news broadcasts.

    I'm getting ready to move away from Madison (unfortunatley), and I'm telling you, I'm shelling out the money to get a subscription. It's the nation's best humor publication. & I'm not only saying that because I was in an issue (I was the Den's Customer of the Week (C.O.W.) The Onion's staff puts your head on a picture of a cow. It made my week that week).

  • Reminds you the "Galaxy" on "Orion's Belt" in the movie Men in Black doesnt it ;-)
  • OK, don't get me wrong. I really, really like the Onion. But they've had a sign up since the *last* issue came out that they'd be back on July 21. Do we really need /. to tell us about it?
    Meanwhile, today is the 30th anniversary of the moon landing... and nothing has been mentioned on /., at least not yet.
    Yes, maybe anyone who already cares would know that it's the moon landing anniversary, but anyone who cares about the Onion would've known they'd be back today. Quite frankly I've lost a lot of respect for /. over this.
    Come on, /., even the Onion recognizes the importance of the moon landing in their book, devoting a full page to it (along with the headline "Holy F***ing Sh**, Man Lands on F***ing Moon").
  • Um, while funny to read, I've had that theory for about 14 years or so, and I know I'm not the first (my dad mentioned some of it to me around that time). Actually, it would be kind of cool if our univers as some subatomic particle in another univers, and all our subatimic particles were also other universes.
  • by atomly ( 18477 ) on Tuesday July 20, 1999 @06:59PM (#1793013) Homepage
    I thought that I'd never make it without the Onion. I mean, seriously, it's the funniest stuff on the Internet. I am kind of sad that they don't put *any* extra stuff in the print version that's not on the webpage anymore. Now I feel like I'm wasting my money on my subscription. Still good to have a hardcopy archive, though, since they only archive the really blatantly funny stories... Speaking of which, what is everybody's favorite Onion article? Here are a few of mine.

    Keep your fucking shit off my desk
    Does this cockring make me look fat?
    Ask a gutshot policeman.
    Ask Sir Mix-A-Lot
    Bantu Tribesman uses modem to crush nut
    Evil Genius Gates drops Windows 98 in NY Water Suplly
    Bill Gates Grants Self 23(?) Dexterity, 21(?) Charm
    RC Cola Celebrates 10th Sale
    Study Reveals: Babies are Dumb
    GM Halts Production of Neck Belts.
    Supercomputer beaten up by more popular computer.
    Rwanda gets plant. "It totally ligthens up the place."

    These are just off the top of my head, there are a lot more great ones that everybody should read in the archives.

  • by drwiii ( 434 )
    The Onion is of optimal ruleness.

    I can't wait for the newest print edition to arrive. In the meanwhile I guess I can look over "Our Dumb Century".. Gotta love the story about an old school foe of Bill Gates getting attacked by 'Killer Microsoft Robots' ;>

  • I believe that actually is a theory. I almost definitely read about either in "A Brief History of Time" or a Carl Sagan book if not both. But no one really cares because it'd be basically impossible to prove and would have no impact on anything.
  • I think this theory is, like, wrong. The universe isn't a subatomic particle in another universe, it's a subatomic particle in itself. I mean, that's my theory. Not like I wanna, you know, fucking blow your mind or anything.
  • by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday July 20, 1999 @07:06PM (#1793017)
    Yeah, until some thoughtless bastard smashes our atom/universe against some other atom/universe in his particle accelerator. THE SENSELESS SLAUGHTER AT FERMILAB MUST BE STOPPED!


    Ludwig Yamamoto
    People For The Ethical Treatment of Atoms
  • Yes, I think it has appeared before, but as one of those 'headline only' stories that take up the far left hand column.

    Obviously they thought it was too good an idea just to remain a headline!
  • I've a feeling its even more inoccuous than that. The term 'point' as used in typography in the first place refers to a range of different measurements invented at different times by different people, and withing a few millimeters of each other. None of these corresponds terribly well to pixels, so when the inventors of different GUIs came to choose the sizes for fonts they all lunged in different directions.

    Sorry I cannot explain this properly, but someone explained it to me once, and my head exploded.
  • Like, we could all be nothing more than this little dot in the fingernail of some huge-ass giant dude.

    Great site, I luv it!! Love parodies of BS like tabloids and adverts.
    The above was, I think, lifted from "Ferris Buehler's Day off" almost verbatim right down to the fingernail bit, or was it finger? Anyway, I like playing the "this came from that" game, or was influenced by, blahblah.

  • Ever since my 1024x786 on a 14" monitor days I would increase the size of the fonts by two points (in the preferences dialogue). That should solve problems concerning the readability of the Onion, and about half of all other websites in existence.
  • Use this knowledge wisely

    Wisely? Bah. Use it for world domination and grooming your pets.

    I will definitely have to check that out at work today, however. :^)

  • Eat me, you moron! BNN [] is strident conservative bitching with a thin veneer of humor.
    Whereas the Onion rocks. See "Twelve More Pie-Fucking Movies In The Works". A witty comment, and one that would have been weakened if it were bowlderized.
  • The reason The Onion is funny is because it has no agenda other than humor.
  • I'd strongly suggest using Preferences-<Fonts if you need to make the size bigger.

    However, it's not to small on my computer -- and I'm using the standard settings -- so I don't know why it is on yours.

  • On the Onion's "Not for Broadcast" CD, they have Steven Hawking pretending to be his sexy twin brother, hitting on a couple of undergrad co-eds ("He's the smart one, me I'm the sexy one...") in that computer-generated voice.

    He even expains how he is able to "maintain an erection for up to fifteen minutes on a single battery charge." Hilarious, repulsive, and offensive, all at once. That's the Onion.

  • rotffl!!!

    "Rejoice. Th' Onion is back wif a noo edishun, af'er a month's hiatus. Durin' th' bust they haf done a li'l redesign of th' main page. I've got some readin' to does. " As allus, th' Onion brin's a smile t'mah face, along wif some belly laughs, an' some so't of problem wif mah digestive system, dawgone it."

    for even greater fun, try various combinations of babelfish and the dialectizer...

    ok ok - give me a break - i'm doing db2 admin on aix... : ( can you blame me for finding distractions?
    ___________________________________ ______________
    $which weed
  • Well I don't really see it as a problem that /. posts a story you really don't want posted. It shouldn't be any big deal to you.

    It annoys me more when they ignore big stories that I'd like to talk about(shuttle launch for one).

    I don't really see what you could have said about the aniversary of the moon launch, it's not really an event.

    The thing is that "stuff that matters" is fairly inclusive, and I wouldn't mind if they had more news and political type stories(maybe only those that had a special signifigance to nerds, but maybe not). I think it's fairly telling that the stories with the most comments have been ones about Columbine(news, political stuff), and the Iraq bombing(same thing). Obviously people care about those things, why not have more of it?
  • Shift happens. (To quote Dilbert)

  • Me, no. My dad? Not in front of me, so I wouldn't know. Nor do I really care. Mind you, plenty of tobacco (Dad only).
  • Oddly enough, this theory is also put forth in Stephen King's "Dark Tower" series near the end of book 1, _The Gunslinger_. Of course, he wasn't doing it for humorous effect.

    Can't wait to see how he develops the theory in the next books... "The Universe is contained within a grain of sand, and what if that grain of sand gets run over by a minivan?"

  • Personally, the new format just seems too small (on my 19" 1024x768). That's not what bothers me, though, and I'm surprised I haven't seen this mentioned. Maybe I'm just imagining things, but haven't we seen the "Porn director fights for single-X rating" (paraphrased) story before? I'd be willing to bet several shares of RHAT that we have.

    Plus, this issue is uncharacteristically unfunny. Give me a good Herbert Kornfield article, a funny Jim Anchower article, a humorous infographic, or a nice Onion Kid's Corner. Lately those have been somewhat lacking. I shouldn't complain, though, it's still one of my favorite sites on the net. And if anybody disagrees, I might have to break out my letter opener of death...

    -Drew Boyles-

  • What a coincidence. My birthday, which was already very cool for coinciding with the Apollo moon landing, is now also the day the Onion returns.

    And I have to say, the Onion totally rocks. It is easily one of the funniest, if not the funniest, thing on the internet.

    These writers are obviously very smart, talented people, and the articles have plenty of wit showing through. Besides being funny, it is an excellent source of comentary. If you can pick out the sarcasm and read what they are really saying (many people can't, it seems) then it is probably one of the most accurate journalistic sources out there.

    I used to think that the Onion was the perfect tabloid - something that the Star and Enquirer wish they could hold a candle to. Then I realized that, unfortunately, there is a large audience out there that just isn't smart enough for the kind of content the Onion blesses us with each week.

    Keep up the good work!
  • My personal favorite is New Study Finds College Binge Drinking To Be A Blast []. But maybe I'm just biased because I'm in college.

  • What would have been the report on the anniversary of the moon landing?

    "Ummm. . . Allright. . . so, 30 years ago, the US landed on the moon. . . well. . . that's all I've got to say"

    Frankly, I'm quite glad that they had this story up. I had forgotten The Onion was coming back today, but heard quite enough about the moon landing. Don't get me wrong, I am a big fan of astronomy, etc. . . but it's not like the moon landing is anything new. . . Talk about the Shuttle mission, that we could use (Do you realize that they were less than half a second away from engine ignition?!?!? If that had happened, the mission could have been put off by up to a year) . . .

  • That will always be my favorite. *grin*

    I wonder if my friendly local Baron bribed them or something ... he's a BIG Onion fan, and we hung out at Borders a couple weeks ago reading Our Dumb Century. Good stuff, BTW.

    BTW, if you like political satire, do a net search on "Capitol Steps" and pick up an album or several. Good stuff.

    I believe their story goes something like this:

    "Well, we were going to do a Christmas pageant, but in all of Washington DC we couldn't find three wise men ... or a virgin."

    And it just gets funnier. Of special interest to /.ers would probably be the various incarnations of "Yuppie Love." Oh, and if you ever get the chance to see them live, go for it. They're wonderful. :)
  • I also got a kick out of "Point/Counterpoint: Reservoir Dogs is Fucking Awesome vs. Reservoir Dogs is the Best Movie Ever", and the funny piece they did on the "Midwest peace process" between Illinois and Wisconsin. Other than that, the other replies have pretty much listed all the rest of the classics.

    Long live the Onion!
  • No, see, I don't *care* that they posted the story about the Onion. It just seems to me that if you can post about the return of the Onion, you could make a mention of the moon landing, as well, you know?
    What could you say about it? Well, apparently, 50% of Americans can't even name the first two people on the moon. So you could point that out. Or you could use it as sort of a "launch pad" to post another link to current spaceflight events. As in, "30 years after the moon landing, we're...".
    Like I said, I like the Onion. I think it's funny, I bought the book and everything. I just don't think that its return is any more significant than the anniversary of the moon landing. Obviously you all (referring to all posts below as well) disagree, and that's OK. Just (guy below this) don't tell me I have a pole up my ass.
  • Am I the only person who wants a sound file of Steven Hawking (or a sound-alike computer generated voice) saying "Man, that shit would be so fucked up."?
  • Hola amigos! Gotta love The Cruise, dudes! Likewise, poor Jean Teasdale.

    And mad props to Herbert Kornfeld, that phat Accounts Payable supervisor with the wack accounting skilz 'n' shit. Werd up!

    Can't forget Smoove B, baby!

    Regular feature I don't particularly care for: Jackie Harvey's Outside Scoop. I get the joke, it just doesn't make me laugh. And Ask [An Obsessed Person of Some Sort] doesn't do anything for me, either.
  • Maybe I'm just dumb but I can't seem to find the horoscope on the online version. Even if that is the only extra thing that they add to the printed version it is enought to get me to go out and waste paper by picking one up.

  • While it has been in Madison for a long time, they now have a Milwaukee edition, and I believe (as someone else said) there's a Denever edition. If anything it's coming to a college near you.

    I'm still sad that they got rid of a couple things over the years. The campus poliece blotter was extremely funny, not to mention Drunk of the Week. Too bad I never made D.O.W., but at least I knew someone who was...ah those were the days...

    Back in the day, all the stories were based near/around Madison. Now they are generically based.
  • That's because Internet Explorer displays all HTML text a size larger than Netscape does. A long time ago (when I first discovered this "feature") I said that this was implemented to make pages designed for Explorer (as The Onion was) to be virtally unreadable in Netscape.

    According to the previous reply to your post (I did the same thing) they succeeded.

  • Also, I just noticed that they use the IFRAME tag to display ads.

  • The shuttle launch? whats so special about that? they have one every 6 months or so, who cares?

    there was a topic a few days ago about the declassification of some moon related docs (if the guys were straneded, they would just cut communication)

    in any even, I completly forgot about the onion untill I saw the headline here. get that pole out of your ass man
    "Subtle mind control? Why do all these HTML buttons say 'Submit' ?"
  • I don't consider anniversaries (or anything else that merely celebrates something that happened some time ago, but was pretty cool, even though it doesn't matter now) to be very important (including my birthday). Of course, this makes me seem like "some kind of a freak" compared to all the other people, so I don't express this opinion very often for lack of rejection (of which I already get a lot of).

    On the other hand, reminders like this come in very handy. I wouldn't have gone there today (or anytime soon) had it not been for this story. That said, I will probably go there less often since their design favors Internet Explorer, which I dislike using.

  • Yeah, this is a blown redesign for certain.

    It looks like they did it to get more play for the AV Club, but that requires you to open your browser past 800 wide. That causes the Onion stories to be too wide, which is bad for eye travel.

    They need some pro help. (Slashdot does too.)

  • I loved the one about the American college student's vacation in Greece. Anyone have the URL? I haven't been able to find it myself.


To write good code is a worthy challenge, and a source of civilized delight. -- stolen and paraphrased from William Safire