SimianOverlord's Journal: Star Wars DVD 2008

It's really interesting to see the first leaked plans for the 2008 Star Wars digitally re-remastered DVD bundle planned by George Lucas. For those of you who don't know, a table napkin was recovered at one of Lucas's recent 3 hour lunches which listed some of the small changes George Lucas has his electronic wizards working on to make the Star Wars IV-VI experience even more authentic to the original vision.

The full list can be viewed here.

Yoda will be coloured blue

And will be more "repellantly sluglike"

Jabba the Hut will be reinstated as a short fat viking.

Luke's name will be redubbed to "Pete" in all dialogue

Han will not only shoot first, but will also violate Greebo's corpse, crying and laughing all the time

The light sabers will change colour, and Luke's will feature Obi Wan's ghostface, shouting obscenities at Darth Vader whenever their blades meet.

Leia and Princess Chewbacca will switch roles, as was originally intended

The asteroid field will have 58% more rocks

C-3PO will wear a tiara in every scene in episode V

The swimming pool scene will be reinstated to Return of the Jedi. The hilarious bakery scene is re-instated to the end of The Empire Strikes Back.

Insignias on the Imperial Stormtroopers uniforms will be mirror imaged, so appear correct to Darth Vader, the only person who cares.

Reflections will be added to Figrin D'an's eyes, a detail that has been infuriating George Lucas for many years now.

Luke's voice will occassionally crack, and go high pitched, as befitting his supposed prepubescent status in Episode IV.

The Tie Fighters will be remodelled into the original Lucas-inspired shape, a matchbox glued to a biro.

R2D2 will be completely removed, his place covered by a hairy ape man called Dref'r'tan Murbar'Eh'tan'For'T'r'e's'Open.

Luke's pornographic video collection is once more visible in Chapter IV

A number of DVD easter eggs are also planned, including Cast Interviews in Spanish, Cast Interviews with Director's Commentary (In Broken Spanish), and an exclusive Spanish trailer for SW IV-VI DVD 2009. Another tantalising rumour (unconfirmed) is that the DVD will also feature a analogically remastered version of scene one, created by feeding badly fingerprinted film through an old projector and filming the result in a shaky handheld video camera. Each DVD will be painstakingly wrapped in some of George Lucas's shit, with a hand written note from the director telling them to fuck off.