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Journal SlashChick's Journal: Update re: my life. LAST PERSONAL /. JOURNAL.

I've decided to not use Slashdot to post personal journals any more. Oh, sure, I'll still post business updates, etc. But I need to move to a blog system where I have control. A friend of mine recently came to the same conclusion, and now I understand why. He, too, posted personal things to his journal and received a few astoundingly negative comments. Sad, too, because his journal entry, My Inner Bush Voter, was one I shared with several friends as something I thought was a great example of a journal. Even if I don't agree with everything he says in it, I still think he did a great thing by coming out and saying what was on his mind, and I respect him greatly for that. (Just needed to say that.)

Many of you have been asking about the comment that caused me to delete my previous journal (deleting a journal is something that I've never really considered in the past, btw.) I still don't know who wrote it. Either it's someone who knows me really well or else I show a lot more of myself in these journals than I ever realized. The comment bothered me because it was clear that although the person who wrote it loved and respected me, he was also upset with the choice I had made, and went into several details. I write this to all my friends, real life and virtual: If you have a problem with me, please say it to my face. Don't write it anonymously in my Slashdot journal and then not own up to it. I may be mad at you for saying how you feel, but as your friend, I do understand and respect your position, even if I don't always agree with it.

I know whoever wrote that is probably reading this. Please call, email, or IM me and tell me who you are. I want to talk to you.

Yesterday was one of the roughest days of my life. I had dinner with my best friend / on-and-off-and-now-off-permanently-boyfriend of 7 years. He said he could no longer be my best friend.... it was basically hurting him too much to continue to be emotionally invested in my life. We were both crying by the end of dinner. I was already emotionally wrecked, so I said I couldn't deal with that right now but I respected his decision, and shoved that away in my mind to mull over later.

I got back from the overly emotional dinner to find that comment in my /. journal, which caused me to lose it again and end up crying my eyes out for about an hour. I deleted the entire journal entry. Those of you who know me well had already read it, anyway, and that's all that mattered.

Then, I figured I'd go for broke, since I was already dealing with too many things, and say goodbye to C, as well.

I already knew he was gone when I woke up this morning. I'd awakened earlier with a tremendous amount of pain. When I finally fell back to sleep, I woke up again a couple hours later knowing that he was gone without him even having said anything. He read the goodbye email this morning, and said the words I never wanted to hear, but that I knew I'd hear anyway. He said "thank you."

I've lost a lot in the past 24 hours. My best friend (which I guess I knew was going to happen anyway; you can't heal from a long relationship while still talking to the other person every day.) My lover, who is gone as well. Now it's just me again.

It will take a long time to heal from all of this.

"Never give in. Never give in. Never. Never. Never." -- Winston Churchill