This is the serious journal I wanted to write earlier. The Treo problems sort of blindsided me, but I've been meaning to write a serious journal for a while, and this is as good a time as any.
My life is a mess right now. Not totally a mess... I mean completely chaotic. Things are changing so quickly and I'm so busy that I barely have time to sit down and think about anything before I move on to the next item on the agenda. I mean, FFS, I still have moving boxes in my house, and I moved in late August. This is a problem.
On the other hand, since things are progressing so rapidly, I feel like I've grown a lot in the past few months. In particular, my week at IBI completed a huge growth cycle for me. In that 7 days, I grew more than I could in a year or more without IBI (both personally and professionally.) In that week, I finished growing up. At one point, about 4 days into IBI, I looked in the mirror at my hotel room (there was no one else around at that point) and realized I'd done it. I walked into a place where I knew absolutely no one and I walked out having met several lifelong friends, many of whom I've stayed in touch with (I've already gained 3 customers from IBI, as well as a business partner.) I have talked on the phone, over AIM, or over email with at least one person from IBI every single day since then, and I'm starting to realize that IBI will be a huge part of my future (I'm already planning to go back in December.) But for me, just knowing that these people who had no preconceived notions of me, who I was, where I came from, or what I did for a living... these people are now my biggest fans and supporters, and I theirs -- it's such a powerful thing as to be almost indescribable. On top of that, to know that I was the person who brought that home -- who convinced them that my company was worth investing in, being a customer of, or working for -- that's incredibly powerful in and of itself. It shows that I believe in myself and am confident enough to make other people believe in me.
That energy and confidence from IBI has settled into my heart as I've slowly begun to realize that I am an adult and that I can completely make it on my own. My heart has turned from an argument/war zone/conflicting place to a Zen-like garden of "if it happens, it happens, and if it doesn't, that's okay too" mentality. I used to push for things so hard, even if they weren't right. Now, I know that if something is right, God will make it happen. If it isn't right, that's okay too, and there was a reason for it.
I broke up with my boyfriend last week. We'd been dating on and off for nearly 7 years. (!) I think we were at that point where we realized if we took it any farther, we were going to have to get married, and getting married wasn't right for us for whatever reason. So we broke it off. It wasn't easy, and I'm still recovering (one big reason why I'm putting the brakes on any new relationship that develops -- I don't want to have a rebound, and I need some time to heal and think about all of this.)
Inside myself, I have found this fragile, but growing, Zen garden of peacefulness. It's great. I smile more now. I still worry all the time, but I am slowly getting over it. I have more self-confidence and a little less shyness about meeting new people.
There are still big mistakes from my past. (Who doesn't have those?) But those are being muted by my future, where I will try to make better decisions and learn from my bad decisions. My company is doing well. My life, though way too hectic for my newfound Zen preference, is generally moving in the right direction. And, for the first time in my life, I can say that I truly love who I have become.