blue trane's Journal: YACH

2004-10-21

Some kind of hit...it's at least a different feeling from before the hit...numbness in the right side of the brain, mouth tense inside, desire to spit...extreme nervousness, who's around? are there people watching? don't want to see anyone, too hard to deal with anyone, want to just disappear, not be subject to their judgments...why do they judge all the time, every encounter? they are always on...if you show weakness any one time, they win...but I am weak, so what? Why must they pounce, prey on the weak? It is unfair, they have no reason to, no need ; it is against the law, unprovoked aggressiveness; it's assault really...they are caught in an obsolete jungle survival mode that orders: attack! because if they didn't then they would starve or die. But now, if they don't attack they will not die; there are laws, there is a social safety net...yet still they are slaves to the ancient survival strategies...