We interrupt this program with a special bulletin.
America is now under martial law.
All constitutional rights have been suspended. Stay in your homes. Do not attempt to contact loved ones, insurance agents, or attorneys. Shut up. Do not attempt to think, or depression may occur. Stay in your homes. Curfew is at 7pm sharp, after work. Anyone caught outside the gates of their subdivision sectors after curfew will be shot. Remain calm. Do not panic. Your neighborhood watch officer will be by to collect urine samples in the morning. Anyone caught interfering with the collection of urine samples will be shot. Houses will be inspected for trace elements at noon. Anyone who fails to display the required embossed Mexican velvet painting of Alexander Haig on their living room wall will be shot. Cameras and surveillance equipment will be posted on all lampposts and streetlights. Anyone failing to attend required worship services on Sunday will be promptly arrested and dispatched to a re-education resort. Stay in your homes. Remain calm. The number one enemy of progress is questions. National security is more important than individual will. All sports broadcasts will proceed as normal. No more than two people may gather anywhere without permission. Use only the drugs prescribed by your boss or supervisor. Shut up! Be happy! Obey all orders without question. The comfort you've demanded is now mandatory. Be happy! At last -- everything is done for you.