ubiquitin's Journal: Yes, I wrote it. Happy Holidays.

Ode to Ye Beautiful Trolls (2004)

Hear now, hear now!

Gather round ye trolls of slashing,
Come to listen to that fateful dotting.
With goatse dudes and hot grits flashing.
Tis a grand karma massacre we're plotting.

Extoll hear, ex troll here!
Extolling extrolling, we trumpet your arse,
Yet break wind from front and rear,
Perl,PHP,Python: these you cannot parse.

Lampstacks and lampshades come tumbling down,
Your platform by default is Win Thirty Two.
Linuxheads marching to the beat of the town,
In Soviet Russia the trolls comment you!

Who cares about Redmond and Research Triangle Park,
Those madhouses make us to laugh.
Who wants fat dollars when we can read fark?
And trade our sh*t on eBay and Half.

King troll-hack cmdrtaco even disclaims his disclaimers
while his minion editors still sleep half the day.
and post stories from thousands of spineless lamers
who have too much karma to ever get lai...

Meta-moderation be damned?
Just buy a subscription!
True trolls have all payed and planned,
To give us their fits of conniption.

The GNU Stallmans sound crappiest
At the end of the movie.
But what THOSE TROLLS SAID makes us happiest,
ESR's anti-Micro-taunt in RevolutionOS was so groovy.

"We're your worst enemy" has oft been said,
But Raymond speaks with a snarl,
And his trolling of the genuinely special ed.
Led us past many a crufty "Dear Darl".

SCO takes the cake this year my friends,
For biffing the basics of U.S. copyright law.
The lawyered system will find due motivation in the end,
Tangling with both tux AND Linus was Darl's fatal flaw.

Apple is a whole 'nother ball of wax,
Those powerbooks,ipods, and OSX really rock the house.
But pudge gives apple./. naysayers a thousand wacks.
Freedom of speech means nothing to that louse.

Weak of mind, and faint of brain,
Resort to comments of the ad hominem sort,
While commenters of ignorance feel no pain,
Those with long beards loathe the FreeBSD dying part.

Carolling, merrily, we give you to read,
ALLCAPS COMMENTS ON STORIES WE'VE NEVER SEEN.
More goodness than you've ever drank in or out pee'ed,
Await you with hot grits and Amidala Queen.

Will a troll ever troff?
This holiday, break a limb.
We wish your fingers fall off.
All eleven of them.

- ubiquitin, the self-proclaimed fookin Slashdot poet laureate

Note to ye fateful moderators, this year I achieved my first ever +5, Troll. Yes. You're welcome. Thank YOU. To accomplish this marvelous deed, I first climbed the mountain of +5 mod, and THEN was capped and crowned with that glorious label of insults gone right and good deeds gone bad: troll!