Abm0raz's Journal: What I did this past weekend ...

An essay written at the 6th grade level by Abm0raz.

I got up friday morning at 7:30am after getting off work at 3:30am the night before. I went to my day job as a programmer. I snuck out early at 4pm because I had a roller hockey game at 4:45. When I get there the goalie didn't show up, so I put on the pads. The girdle didn't fit and I didn't have a cup. We play two twenty minute periods. Just as the game starts, our goalie shows up. I play in goal the first 15 minutes until he is ready and let in 1 goal on 10 shots. He comes in and by the time I get my regular equipment on, the half is over. We are losing 3-0. In the second half, I score a goal, but they score 6 more and we lose 9-2.

I go home and shower. Then I meet my friend at a bar. We play in a beer pong tournament (24 teams). We suck ass the first game and lose to tow dorks that can't even hold a ball right. Then we get pissed off and run the loser's bracket. We get to the final game and choke. We lost by 1 cup. We don't get the $250 prize. We don't get the entry into the final torunament for the free trip to Cancun. We get a lousy free t-shirt. My credit card breaks fails to authorize and I have to cover my tab in cash. I am bitter.

We go back to my friend's place (my old place). THey are setting up for a party. Me and my friend bitch a lot and drink more. I am sitting on the porch and a lab-partner I had in college for 4 different classes walks by out of the blue (she is hot). This is totally random because I haven't seen her since she graduated 3 years ago. We go out for a picture of Monkeyboy (14 shots in a pitcher for $10). Then I leave and goto my friend's band.

This bar killed someone last weekend[1], so I can't get in for free. They have to follow the rules and even the regulars have to wait in line and pay cover. I am more pissed. After 35min waiting in line, I get in, buy a picture and 5 shots. I don't remember leaving nor anything else till further notice. I didn't close my tab. The bartender is a good friend of mine, so he didn't screw me.

I went back to my old place to the party. There is someone haveing sex on the couch while everyone else cheers. I go have a beer. I play some more beer pong. I find someone else having sex in the shower. I steal their clothes and throw them on the front lawn. I am later informed that noone was having sex in the shower and that the guy who was showering is pissed. I talk 3 freshman girls into allowing me to judge who's boobs are nicer.

[lots of gray area as to little witnesses to tell me what happened]

I wake up in my bed at noon, 8 blocks away. Feet bloody and shoes missing. [Memory returns]. I shower and goto work as a bouncer from 1-7. Penn State loses. We are all bummed.

I go home and sleep. I wake up at midnight. I go back to the bar where I forgot to close my tab and get my credit card back. I go back to my old place and get a standing ovation when I walk in. They recount my memory for me. Apparently I poured beer on the people having sex on the couch and shouted, "If I had a hose, i'd use that!" No more alcohol for me. I find out that my shoes are in someone's room and noone knows when I left the night before, but it was after 5am. I pick up the guitar and start playing. One of the freshman girls is there again. She won the nicest boob contest. She asked me if I know how she got the bruise on her arm (about 2" diameter, purple) or the one on her right ass-cheek (the ENTIRE ass cheek). I joke and tell her I was too drunk and kept missing the hole. She flips me off. I play some more guitar.

I go home and play some poker on-line. I lose $20 then I goto bed at 3am.

I wake up on Sunday at noon. I clean my apartment. At 3, I go into my programming job to do 45 minutes of work. I realize the Steeler game is on at 4pm. I drive home (2 miles). I decide that I need milk on the way home. I make a right turn into a supermarket. There is a small oil spill in the intersection that I didn't see. I hit a mini-van full of Ukrainian immigrants (Husband, Wife, Mother, Mother-inlaw, 4 kids). I was doing under 3mph when final impact occurs. I bust my turn signal light[1] and leave a 3" dent in his car. He is freaking out, "What? You no have brake?!" When 2 older gentlemen come over and say the same thing happened to them not more than 3 minutes earlier. I look down and there are more broken lens covers 5' away. The ukrainian guy calms down. We move our vehicles over to where the other guys are. We call the cops. He shows up and slides through the intersection. He declares no-fault. Another wreck occurs before we leave.

I get my milk and go watch the second half of the Steeler game. I get called off my 10pm-3am night shift. I play some poker for 5hrs. I lose $4. I goto bed.

And that's what I did last weekend.

-Ab

[1] some drunk kid decided he was going to piss on the back door of the bar. When the bouncers came out to say something, his drunk(er) buddy rushed one of them and punch a bouncer. The bouncers tackled him and called the cops. In a freak accident, the kid died. There were no marks of trauma on him. No signs of suffication or internal injuries. Toxicology reports are pending.

[2] I broke this same lens on my car almost a year ago to the day less than 2 blocks away. It took 8 months to find a replacement. That replacement came from halfway accross the nation. Basically, the part doesn't exist anymore. This little 3mph fender bender has effectively totalled my car :(