ptomblin's Journal: Pain sucks

I'm sitting at my computer right now because I'm in severe pain. I'm in severe pain most of the time, I have been for 28 years now. Good God, that's nearly 3/4 of my life now. Depressing thought.

It almost killed me a few times, like the time I thought a ruptured appendix was just mild gas for three days, and when I finally went to see a doctor he said that it was unlikely it was my appendix because I was too cheerful, laughing and joking etc. But he said, when somebody has tenderness there, they open them up and whip the appendix out just in case. Not to worry, it will only take 45 minutes or so, and a day in the hospital. 4 hours on the operating table, 9 days in the hospital, 25 days at home recovering with a 15 cm long gash in my stomach, and now I try and notice the little aches and pains that show up above the background level of pain I deal with every day. The surgeon had had to remove part of my stomach because of gangrene. I wonder how bad it would have been if I'd waited any longer.

Right now I'm sitting at my computer because it hurts too much when I lie down. It's not too bad sitting up in my office-type chair. I took at much ibuprophen and acetemino...tylenol as I should, and then took some more. I did the stretches that sometimes help. But based on past experience, my only hope now is to get so tired that I'll sleep through any pain. And then hope I can wake up enough to function tomorrow at work.

It's hard to remember back before the pain started. Well, I had other types of pain back then, like a brother who physically, psychologically and sexually abused me, a mother I only heard from about twice a year, and a father who did nothing to save me from my brother. I'm not sure, but I think this is better.

Year ago I used to say that when the pain got too great, I'd commit suicide and end it. But then I had to go and get family. That put an end to that idea. Suicide doesn't end pain, it merely transfers it to innocent people, and that's fair to anybody. So I'll bear it as best I can. There's nothing else I can do.

The pain has gone down to bearable levels. Maybe I'll try lying down again.