Journal C0LDFusion's Journal: France Sucks. 2
I've recieved this from a friend. It IS in fact a copy, excepting a few minor changes that make it more applicable and entertaining for friends of mine.
The complete military history of France:
-Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war that foreshadows the next 2000 years of French History, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
-Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertenly creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
-Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country to lose two wars when fighting Italians.
-Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 with the Huguenots.
-Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant, but gets invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
-War of Devolution: Tied.
-The Dutch War: Tied.
-War of the Augsberug League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row causes Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
-War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The war also gave the French their first tast of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
-American Revolution: In a move that will become familiar to future Americans, France claims a win, even through the English Colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
-French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.
-The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember first rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
-Franco-Prussian War: Lost. German first plays tentacle monster to France's virgin schoolgirl.
-World War I: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one that doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American Forces forestalls any improvement of the French bloodline.
-World War II: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
-War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
-Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
-War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonalds.
The complete military history of France:
-Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war that foreshadows the next 2000 years of French History, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
-Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertenly creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
-Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country to lose two wars when fighting Italians.
-Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 with the Huguenots.
-Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant, but gets invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
-War of Devolution: Tied.
-The Dutch War: Tied.
-War of the Augsberug League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row causes Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
-War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The war also gave the French their first tast of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
-American Revolution: In a move that will become familiar to future Americans, France claims a win, even through the English Colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
-French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.
-The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember first rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
-Franco-Prussian War: Lost. German first plays tentacle monster to France's virgin schoolgirl.
-World War I: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one that doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American Forces forestalls any improvement of the French bloodline.
-World War II: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
-War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
-Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
-War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonalds.
Ivory Coast (Score:1)