RM6f9's Journal: Fire my writer! (warning: hateful/self-pitying rant)

Okay, so, life is scripted, by some invisible infinite all-knowing cruel RAT BASTARD. My wife has been holding endometrial cancer at bay for the last year by means of Megesterol (sp?): a medication that simultaneously blocks estrogen uptake, increases appetite (since countered by Paxil, but not until she'd added 50 pounds to an already-overweight frame), and *may* (they told us in the fine print) cause blood clots. After an episode of sever shortness of breath on Wednesday last, we went to her Dr. on Thursday - they tested her O2 while walking 100 feet, then told us we were going to the local ER for immediate tests - sure enough, 3 clots in her lungs. Anybody ever try to sleep in a hospital waiting room chair? Next to a spouse in critical condition?
Small favors, they were able to get her onto a self-injectable blood thinner along with a coumadin regimen, so we can treat her at home.
How she copes? A truly devoted, but alas all-too-human, husband as coach - where do I go when *I* need coaching? Certainly *not* church, as I've seen what happens to those their god loves - thrown out of gardens for eating fruit, surrendered to Satan to be tested as a reward for being most faithful servant, hung on a cross to die by way of a father's love for his son...
Not co-workers - they have trouble coping with such mundanities as getting hours cut or which responsibilities are whose...
We're all gonna die - What happens after, who knows. Can anybody, anybody at all, tell me what kind of infinite moron, with the power to cause all of this to be, create such a fucking mess so that (supposedly his favorite) creations had no hope of using the one gift he gave them (logical thought) to understand anything like rules? Some kind of feedback system that actually worked, where jerks like me get our comeuppances and angels like her do NOT suffer BULLSHIT like what she's going through?
I'll be lucky to have her another year - probably less, the way things look right now - the chemotherapies they've tried don't work, and to boot, any treatments she's had before, chemo or radiation, would cause such further damage to whatever organs they affect that they're inadvisable.
I am residing in a body that stands 6 foot 9 inches tall and weighs 305 pounds - I have an IQ that measures well above 140 - I am not awesomely fit nor strong, but strong enough for my size - I have read most major religions' core teachings, and in the face of a microscopic invader in my wife's body I. am. powerless?
You, you infinite creator/director/producer/scriptwriter/ROTTEN PIECE OF SHIT, if you exist at all, you're FIRED!!!
Burn yourself in the hells you've supposedly created, unless you give my wife back her health. right the FUCK now.
How pathetic am I? I got nowhere else to go.

Silence is complicity

[bethanie]

And it would be intolerable not to condemn the hateful insensitivity of anonymous troll responses to that heartfelt post. On the one hand, what do you expect on the internet... but on the other, how dare we be so inhumane with each other under the protection of anonymity. Honor is dead, or dying.

I'm sorry for your pain and the pain of your wife.

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[RM6f9]

Thank you. Knowing that somebody cares does help.

You're not pathetic.

[tomhudson]

We've all poured our hearts out here when were hurting.

Sometimes, just saying how we feel isn't enough - we need to commit it to writing, because it *hurts!!!* and just saying it, no matter how eloquently, to however many people ... it's fleeting, like the wind. We want more than that.

It's why we write things, why our ancestors wrote on cave walls, why we seek refuge in sharing written words - our pain continues; how can mere spoken words, which are gone in seconds with barely an echo, seem adequate?

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[RM6f9]

Knowing that somewhere, somebody (or some group of somebodies) cares, helps a lot. Thank you.

Re:

[RM6f9]

Venting helped - the kindness of friends helps more. Her recovering some small bit of her health helps most yet. As to the rest, it's gonna have to be day-by-day.

Take care my friend...

[Shadow Wrought]

I wish you and her well, and understand the frustration of sitting in that chair all to well. I am sloser than most, too, so please let me know if there's anything you need I can help with. You and your Angel will be in my thoughts and, for whatever they are worth, prayers as well.

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[RM6f9]

Thank you, thank you very much - who knows, maybe "writer" actually listens to you, couldn't hurt... I *despise* feeling helpless / powerless, having friends makes it easier to cope...