Guipo's Journal: taking a breath

my wife came home today. i'm amazed I can still call her my wife. She wants nothing to do with me. I'm trying to back away. I find myself acting like she does. mean spirited. I'm better than that. I think that i can act better than mean spirited. Its amazing what happens to you when someone breaks your heart. You become spiteful. I want to be mean to her like she is me. No matter what I do, she refutes it. I cant take it anymore. I cant take feeling like this. It KILLS me. I think i'm actually getting grey hair. And after a week, my head was finally straight. I was finally becoming upbeat again. And she comes in and treats me like trash. I want for nothing with her. Ineed to calm down

I'm sick to my stomach. Maybe its the fact that I cant eat. i'm gonna try tonight. I thought, maybe if I treat her like she treats me, she'll understand. she dosent. she dosent even like me. She's around me because she has no where else to go.

the little pocket debater just came in. Why'd she come back if she dosent want to at least try? Good point. I guess if I need to hold onto something, thats better than nothing. emotonally, i'm in a bad place. its not good. I wanna cry really. sigh. I hurt more than i've ever hurt before. It gets worse every day. Like its a cancer that is spreading. I know this sounds really bad, but I'm wondering if I'll be happier without her. I mean, i'll be lonly, but that will change eventually. When all's i want to do is love her, and I cant, that makes a feeling that i cant explain. Lonley is better than that. Will i be able to let her go. Yes. If she comes back, will i be able to take her back. I dont know.

I dont want my marrige to end. I really dont. I want it to last all of eternity. But I didnt sign up for this. I signed up for a lifetime of love. Thats just not what I've gotton.