Scott Lockwood's Journal: Life... Don't talk to me about life.

So, it's been an odd few days.

For starters, Dot/Karen looked at my profile on OK Cupid. I really wasn't prepared to see her in my stalkers list, and I never thought she'd so much as look at my profile again. It seems that's all it was however, was idle curiosity. I wrote her a note encouraging her to talk to me, and letting her know that I wasn't mad at her any more, but also telling her I could never let her that close to me ever again. After all, I nearly stepped in front of a train because of her... I told her that what she did was needlessly cruel, but that I did still love her, and wanted to talk.

No response.

Sigh. Why did she even have to look at my profile, then? I was doing so much better. I didn't feel the constant pain of her absence, I have been throwing myself into my work very hard. I didn't miss her, I have been building up a stable of relationships so that no one person can ever derail me like that again. My therapist tells me that I am not to obsess over her, that I need to go on as before, but it is SO damn hard.

Plus, Debbie broke it off with me. Now, I shouldn't be surprised by this, I know better than to date non-poly women, but still. She was very sweet, and loving. We had a date to go see the Shedd, which I absolutely love going to do. I had told her all along that I had to go home on the 4:30 train and that I had plans. I didn't tell her what those plans were, because she had asked me specifically NOT to tell her about things with my 'other women' as she put it, so I didn't. As it turns out, I had a date with Veronica that evening. She got kind of distant, didn't want to make plans to see me later in the week, and then broke up with me on IM. Now, I can't really blame her for that - she mentioned that she was upset, and didn't want to discuss it on IM, but I am the kind of person who gets VERY worried if something is wrong, to the point that I won't be able to function until I find out what it is, and I told her as much. I'm glad she told me, but I wish she'd been honest with me from the start, and I don't feel that she was.

So, I'm down to just Cindy and Veronica at this point, and I'm pretty happy with that, for the most part... Every relationship has it's issues, and most of mine stem from other people. I don't want to say who, but there's someone else in Cindy and Veronica's life who makes it difficult for us all to get along by acting like a complete child. It seems that it's ok to talk shit about me behind my back, whine that I cut into his time with them, and yet be distant, an asshole, and treat them like property at the same time.

I took pity on this guy, even after he made the VERY serious mistake of threatening me physically. I sat down with him at dinner, along with the two lovely ladies in our lives, Cindy and Veronica, and I laid it all out for him - the whole poly 'thing' since he clearly isn't poly, doesn't get poly, and does the two things that PISS ME OFF more than anything else in the world: He uses 'Poly' as a code word for 'I get to fuck anyone I want, and still be an insecure ass', and he treats Cindy and Veronica like property.

So, bearing that in mind, I step back from my (deserved, righteous) anger, and I try to reach out to him. I try to teach him what Poly is all about, why it's important to respect your partners, and give him a copy of "The Book" to read. (as an aside, "The Book" is a variable for what you think is the most important work on a given subject. For me, regarding polyamory, it's "The Ethical Slut: a Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities")

What does he do? He gives the book to Veronica, tells her to give him the cliff notes version, and continues to talk shit about me behind my back, and whine about poor him poor him poor him.

Not to put too fine a point on it, fuck that shit, I'm done. I no longer give a flying fuck about him. I wouldn't piss down his throat if it was on fire. I will be polite to him, I will not do anything to purposely antagonize him, and I will not disrespect him back in his own home, but I will never respect him, and I will do everything I possibly can to make sure I spend as little time around him as I can manage. I just don't need that shit. I have enough of my own drama.

Speaking of drama, I got woken up at 3:11am last night by my room mates girl friend / fiancée, who wanted the number of our other mutual friend, Kim. See, Kim (who Cindy introduced me to) and 'the boy' as she calls him are 20 years apart in age, and are riding the hobby horse together. She denies this, but I know better. Why else is he over there at 3am? Why else did she buy a brand new, top of the line PS3 which she then loaned him? Why doesn't the fiancée have her number directly? Why can't the room mate do his chores? Why is my sleep interrupted? I mean, for fuck sake, the only reason I'm letting the 18 year old boy stay there is because I need a maid. I am on the train 4 hours a day, and work 9+. I'm old enough that I actually NEED 8 hours of sleep, if not more, and that leaves precious little time for the housework he's not doing. I finally told him today that either he starts doing his end of things, or I will find someone who will. That, and I REALLY need to not get woken up by his personal little love triangle.

I was really mad at Kim. She's the adult in the situation, and isn't acting like it. True, I was most angry because *I* wanted to fuck her, and he swooped in and nailed it first. That kinda pissed me off. Again, no respect for the Poly lifestyle. He's also not understanding that it's Honest, Ethical, Consensual, Non-monogamy. This wasn't the first time he'd done that to me, either, and it's getting on my nerves.

I really dislike it when someone uses my lifestyle for all it's benefits but refuses to accept the responsibilities that come with it! That makes me actively ANGRY, in fact. I'm trying to be mindful of the fact that he's a kid still, he's only 18, and that he's got to learn. Still, it's annoyingly like raising a puppy.

Also to work.... Guess I should go now. More thoughts later, I'm sure.