I've hit bottom again

Journal Scott Lockwood's Journal: I've hit bottom again 2

Journal by Scott Lockwood on Saturday January 12, 2008 @06:16PM

I'm sure they'll love this in dot.poly_snark... ... but I really don't care. Nothing matters anymore. Nothing. I had all of my worst fears confirmed today. The one I loved more than anything in this world, doesn't care about me, at all. Takes the "It's not my problem anymore, so I don't care" attitude toward me, to what was us, to my pain and suffering. I. Don't. Matter. I didn't matter then, either, I suspect. I feel like I was used, and she lied to me. She said that she loved me, too, and that it was intense for her, too. Then she just cut the cord, refused to speak to me. Today, I learned the real truth. I wanted to post the whole log here, of the conversation where I learned the truth, but that wouldn't be fair to the person I had the conversation with. I feel that I want to die, now. I think it's the only way I'll stop feeling like this. It's been almost two months, and nothing is getting any better. It just gets worse, and worse. I can't take it anymore. Anything is better than this pain. When I was young, and very stupid, I tried to swallow a bottle of pills (aspirin) to erase the pain. What I now know to be the lesson from that, is that pills don't always work. I wish it had. I wish I'd never had this relationship, so that I wouldn't feel this way now. I don't matter. At all. I never will matter to her again. Why keep going? To put it in the vernacular of the geeks I work with - "Epic Fail".

It would be terribly wrong of me to reveal the private conversation I had with her husband, but I think it's ok for me to share my side of the conversation. Esp. after redacting anything that could be used to identify who I'm talking about, right?

{My Stupid Ass}: Sigh. I'm guessing that you and I really aren't going to have a chance to talk? I really wish I knew if {The one I love the most} was ever going to talk to me again. I feel like an idiot even asking at this point.
{My Stupid Ass}: This is killing me. I'm sorry, I shouldn't even bring it up. There's just so much I don't understand, and I really need to. I don't want to burden you with it, I really, really don't. I almost don't know what I would do if she DID talk to me, you know? I have a lot of fear either way, now. On the one hand, I'd like nothing more than to be able to have SOME sort of relationship, but on the other, I keep thinking, 'how could someone do this to you, if they really did care about you at all in the first place?' and that leaves me very, very confused. I feel like I was used, and spit out on the sidewalk when the flavor ran out. It has made me feel that something was wrong with me, that I am somehow less than. There's more, but I don't feel comfortable, completely going into it. I just feel that this was really, really shitty. One thing that _really_ bothers me is, if she knew for a month that she wanted to break up, why did she ask me to buy you guys groceries? I don't care about the $300 worth of food - it's more the willingness to USE me like that which bothers me. Ditto all the meals out. Ugh. I'm sorry. I just don't know what to say. I just know that I don't want to feel this way anymore, and I'm the only one not getting closure here.
{My Stupid Ass}: Would YOU do that to {Husband's Girlfriend}? Or anyone? Unless I am very much mistaken, I doubt that you would.
{My Stupid Ass}: So, what makes it ok to do this to me? :((
{My Stupid Ass}: She never put it in those terms. She said that there were things she was unhappy with, and I was for working on them. She never, at any point, said she wanted to break up with me. My plea to her not to break up with me was based only on my own intuition.
{My Stupid Ass}: {Her Husband}, I loved her more than anyone, and the really sad thing is, I still do. Even after all of this, I'd give anything just to have her smile at me one more time, or even just give me a hug. I'm glad I'm alone at work, because I'm crying sitting here typing this. I never, ever, had the slightest clue that she was unhappy enough to want to break up, and she never gave me any indication of that. We had a total of 3 conversations in the history of our relationship where her being less than happy with anything even came up, and none of them were put into "I'm unhappy about this enough to end the relationship" terms.
{My Stupid Ass}: I really wanted to do this in person.
{My Stupid Ass}: But I'm really suffering.
{My Stupid Ass}: I'm sorry if that seems selfish. I don't mean to be. Sometimes, these things don't happen on a timetable that's equitable for everyone. All I know is, I can't function well, and this is affecting every single other relationship that I have.
{My Stupid Ass}: No one seems to understand, either, which is really hard to deal with. I get shit on from all sides about it, or just plain ignored by {The one I love the most}, which is driving me CRAZY.
{My Stupid Ass}: Even if it's not what I want to hear, I get the nagging feeling that I'm not getting the truth, or the whole truth.
{My Stupid Ass}: If she just wanted a fling, she should have been honest about that with me.
{My Stupid Ass}: That wasn't what I wanted, I'm tired of that. I was looking for a real relationship, you know? And the really sad thing is, as short as it was, that was the best relationship of my life. I'm sure that's a big big part of why it's so hard to let it go.
{My Stupid Ass}: I wish she'd told me that, at the start.
{My Stupid Ass}: She never did.
{My Stupid Ass}: As my feelings got deeper, and deeper, I had no idea the relationship was in trouble. I thought we had a few relatively minor issues to work out. Nothing more. I felt such shock when I came home that night. I literally dropped everything I was holding, completely shocked. :44:59{My Stupid Ass}: The worst part is, I can't even get it together to be angry at HER for it. I spend a lot of time inventing excuses for her, figuring that anyone who's that good and kind a person couldn't do this to someone intentionally. I know I should be mad, and at her, but I just can't. It's not that her actions don't warrant it - far from it. It's that I can't bear to feel that way about someone I love.
{My Stupid Ass}: I just feel really worthless now. My self-esteem is at an all time low. Not that that is in any way your problem, or that you can do anything about it, but that's part of where I'm coming from.
){My Stupid Ass}: I knew she couldn't. I knew it, and it didn't matter to me. I really genuinely was happy with whatever attention she was willing to give me. As I said in the letter to her, she may have felt like she was throwing scraps to a dog, but if the dog is happy with the scraps, who really cares in the end?
{My Stupid Ass}: I never pressured her about it, far from it. If it ever came up, I tried to stress to her that I was completely happy with the status quo.
{My Stupid Ass}: What else could I say? I always, always told her the truth. Short of brain surgery, I don't know how I can change it.
{My Stupid Ass}: Nor am I suggesting either of us can actually DO anything, you know?
{My Stupid Ass}: People are funny that way.
{My Stupid Ass}: What I don't get, is why she didn't tell ME at all, ever?
{My Stupid Ass}: If she had told me, "Don't ever bring up how you feel about me again so I can be comfortable, and not end our relationship" I'd have said, "Yes, Ma'am." saluted smartly, and done exactly that.
{My Stupid Ass}: It surely would have been better than living in hell.
{My Stupid Ass}: And oh my God, do I live in hell now. Every single damn time I try to talk to {My annoying OSO1} about it, all I get is an earful about how " {The one I love the most's nickname} did this to me" and " {The one I love the most's nickname} did this to our relationship" and "Why do you still defend her" and "blah blah blah blah" and then she wonders why I broke up with her!!! She wonders why I'll take care of her kids, but don't want ANYTHING like a relationship with her! {My OSO2} at least understands, and tries to be supportive.
{My Stupid Ass}: I really wonder something else... And it's really none of my business, but, did she do this same thing to {Her old OSO}, too? Is this like a pattern? There are some things that I think I will never understand. How did she get under my skin so quickly? Why did this happen? I have always, always, always been SO in control of my emotions, not a slave to them like I am now. But... That control is gone. Any pretense at being emotionally strong is gone. Sigh. I doubt I'm making any sense to you here, and if so, I apologize. I wish I could convey to you what this ordeal has been like. More than that, I almost wish she could feel what this has done to me, emotionally, but then I think, hey - I wouldn't wish that on someone I didn't even like, much less someone I care about. You know?
{My Stupid Ass}: She has, or rather, had a point there.
{My Stupid Ass}: I 100% agree with her on that. I hope to god I never have another relationship like this again, because I think the next time.... Well, that's not really an issue, because there will never be another time like this. I can't handle this kind of rejection again.
{My Stupid Ass}: I know, but I question so much now. If so many of my underlying assumptions were untrue, which they'd have to be to have this happen, then what else do I have wrong?
{My Stupid Ass}: Right now, I just don't think I can let anyone ever get that close again, you know?
{My Stupid Ass}: I still hit {The website we met on} every day, but if they're too much like {The one I love the most}, I block them... which is really funny, because she's like my ideal woman now. lol. I'm actually afraid, though. Does that make any sense, or am I as crazy as I suspect I am? Seriously, that's not a joke question at all.
{My Stupid Ass}: Is she mad that I talk to you?
{My Stupid Ass}: Is she mad at me for anything?
{My Stupid Ass}: It just hurts so much. :((
{My Stupid Ass}: I go through the motions, every single day, but it's like the whole world is grey now.
{My Stupid Ass}: I got a NASTY shock the other day, when I realized that I'm not allowed to see things in her LJ anymore... That made me
feel even lower, like, there's something wrong with me, and so she how has to hide things from me.

---
This is where I finally get the full impact of a part I can't post, because I didn't write it. This was the moment, where I realized just how far into hell I am.
---

{My Stupid Ass}: Oh wow. I'm not even worth worrying about anymore... I don't matter at all. Wow. I see.
{My Stupid Ass}: I mean nothing.
{My Stupid Ass}: I meant nothing.
{My Stupid Ass}: I'm sorry, {Her Husband}.
{My Stupid Ass}: No, {Her Husband}. I don't believe that anymore. You can't take that attitude to someone if you love them. I never did anything wrong that I have been made aware of.
{My Stupid Ass}: No one is that cruel, and callous.
{My Stupid Ass}: I have no idea what to say now.
{My Stupid Ass}: I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have brought this up at all.
{My Stupid Ass}: Please tell {The one I love the most}, that I love her. Please tell {The one I love the most}, that I'm so very sorry. I will not ever be a bother to you again, I promise.

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