Holy Shit! What a bitch! Quick, Magenta, Flip the Switch!

Journal Scott Lockwood's Journal: Holy Shit! What a bitch! Quick, Magenta, Flip the Switch! 2

Journal by Scott Lockwood on Tuesday August 21, 2007 @07:21PM

Sometimes, you know something is (su)real only because no one would believe you if you made it up. Take for example the following MySpace email I got from my crazy ex tormentor, who unfortunately, also happens to be the mother of my sister, Mary. Yes, that part of my family lives in Virginia, and no, I don't want to talk about that aspect of this. What I want to talk about is the blatant hypocrisy, and the epiphany I had while reading this crap.

To whit:

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Linnie
Date: Aug 21, 2007 1:17 PM
Subject: In doing some thinking I have decided..............

That I would rather you not have anything to do with Mary.......... or at least not up close anyway........you can write to her, etc, but I think it best you keep your distance.
You think I don't know your lifestyle, but I do. I do not want Mary to have to deal with any of that until she is an adult and can decide for herself. She right now does not want anything to do with that and thinks it is wrong and feels that it goes against Gods word.
You have a girlfreind who is married and has a child or children and her husband and she swing. This is not acceptable behavior for my daughter to be around or be around anyone who thinks that is acceptable behavior. It is wrong and it is against Gods word and anyone who says it is not has not read the Bible nor cares if it is wrong or not, they are doing what they want to do and do not care if it is wrong or not. Nothing you can say is going to change my view on that and its just what I said and I am not going to change my mind on this.
You do not know what love is, you only know what sex is and lust, you will never know what love is because you are not capable of feeling it. You would come here when Bill dies and say and do things that would make it uncomfortable for all of us and I am not willing to put up with that. You have a tendency to mouth off at people and do what you want and they cannot do anything back because you get mad and act as if you are so put upon. Well I am not going to have that in MY house. So you are not welcome to come and Mary will be fine without you. She has many, many people who love her and are her support and that includes the church and the friends she has and extended family.
You have decided you are better than Bill and should be able to say and do whatever you want about him, well you are not better and you should do better than he did only you do not. YOU act worse and in that I do not want you around my daughter.
Live your life the way you want but don't expect others to accept or like it. And also don't expect them to put up with it just because you are Scott Lockwood. I don't have to and will not. Mary is my daughter and you are only her half brother and you have no say in anything that happens to her at all. When you choose to live your life the way you do, you choose to lose your sister and anything else about family ties when it comes to her. You might have thought about that before you started doing this again...........or I guess you never stopped.
Do not respond to this as I have blocked you from here. Do not write to Mary and tell her a bunch of garbage about her father and me as it will do you no good and she will likely delete it as she is tired of that bullshit. She knows a lot more about you than you think........it doesn't take much when you can look at your page and see all the trash on it in your freinds list. What do you think a innocent young girl would want with that in her life and its somewhat embarrassing to her. You don't care, you do what you want........always have, others do not matter. So now you have what you want. Go cry the blues that you are the victim and got hurt once again.........doesn't matter what you do........you are so innocent in everything. Poor Scott.
Just don't contact her with anything negative or you will lose all contact with her. I mean what I say and you need to listen this time.

WOW. First of all, what does one even say to that? "Hi. This is your brain calling. I'm very lonely. Would you please consider letting me back in your skull?"

Ok. That might make a good, emotionally satisfying start, but I even admit, it's not very helpful. The thing is, why should I be helpful? This is the woman who emotionally abused and manipulated me for 7 years, cost me my marriage and children, and now feels it's her place to come down off the mountain, having just had a conversation with a burning bush no doubt, stone tablets in hand, so that she can bash me for a bunch of imagined BULLSHIT. WHAT. THE. FUCK!

For starters, I'm not a swinger. I was, once, a long time ago. I used that to justify a lot of bad behavior. I don't do that anymore. I am not a monogamous person, either. I'm Poly. If you don't know what Polyamory is, look it up. Wikipedia is a good place to start, for example. Look for a book called, "The Ethical Slut". It's referenced in the Wikipedia article on Poly, so you can get the ISBN there, if you're interested.

I'm tempted, in true Lockwood fashion, to write a point by point rebuttal of Linda's bullshit, but it's really not necessary, is it? For those of you who are joining the train wreck that is my life late, Linda and I were once together. Very quickly, I realized that she was kind of less than stable. The fact that she was married to my father also kind of bothered me, a little. I tried to break it off. She responded by swallowing a bottle of pills. I then spent the next 6 and a half years, trying very hard to have a 'normal' life and relationship with someone who kept abusing that trust. Multiple attempts to kill herself, almost always because she'd fuck things up for both of us in some form or fashion, and I'd then want nothing to do with her. Breaking her word repeatedly, like saying "I won't try to kill myself again, honest - oh, what? You're leaving me because I'm a crazy bitch and I scare the shit out of you? ARRGH!!! Where are teh pillz0rs!!!". Spitefully trying to ruin my life on several occasions "Oh, you're marrying that woman? Here, let me send her every email and naked picture we've ever traded. You didn't actually think I meant it when I said that I could handle a no-strings relationship with you, did you? That was all bullshit. You belong to me, now, and if you even think about trying to get away, I'm going to kill myself, and leave your sister without a single decent parent."

Let me be the first to say that I am not a saint. Far, far from it. I also don't have a 'standard' concept of morality, though it's getting much closer than you might think. For example, though I DID used to be a swinger, and would basically fuck anyone who wanted to, I stopped doing that quite a while ago. I realized at some point that sex wasn't what I really wanted, what I wanted was a good woman (or two) to love me for who I am, to hold me, to care about ME like I want to care about her, or them. All the sex, and the lies, all that did was hurt ME in the end. Is Linda hurt? If the above rambling rant is any indication, I'd say yes. Am I responsible? Perhaps, to a degree. Let's face it - I really should have figured out if she was a raving lunatic before sticking my cock in her. Not that it wasn't fun, mind you. It was. I enjoyed it every single time. She makes really excellent noises, and could suck a golf ball through a garden hose. Unfortunately, she also has at best a fleeting, intermittent connection to reality. This allows her to pass judgement on me, for example, when she's just a big a fucking ho bag as I am.

Yes, that's right. I have spent much of my life acting like a low down, dirty, ho. I had no respect for myself. I tried to find it in others, specifically, between their legs. Know what? I never did. What I did find was a lot of hurt, abuse, scorn, loneliness, and $1100 a month in child support that I pay out, every month, without fail. So yes, I have spent most of my life catastrophically failing it, hard.

The good news? I got some therapy, I took some medication, and I started to DEAL WITH MY OWN SHIT! And now, it doesn't have power over me. My shit doesn't define who I am, I do. My shit doesn't cause me to take a giant crap on people in my family, no matter how badly I think they deserve it. My shit is getting cleaned up.

For example, I have met someone very special. Her name is Dot (Hi dear!). She is the most amazing woman I have ever met. I truly love her, and have a commitment to her that I have honestly never felt to anyone else. Yes, she is married. Her husband has a Girlfriend, too. Know what? We all know. Honesty. That was the thing lacking from damn near every single other relationship I've ever been in, and I have to tell you, it's freeing. I don't have to hide anything from Dot, not even the ugly, venomous, cancer that is my former lover, Linda. For once in my life, I'm with someone who loves me for me, not who judges me based on my baggage. All I have to do, is stay 100% honest, not repeat the mistakes of the past, and I get to spend some real quality time with her.

Do you know what that makes me feel for Linda? Pity. It's a pity, that she has to tear me down, to feel good about her self. That she has to talk about her religion of peace and love and tolerance - and yet, look at how she acts! It's a pity that my sperm-donor is dying, and my sister needs a shoulder to cry on, yet now I can't come out? I can't visit? I can't comfort my sister? What bullshit. Here's a big "FUCK YOU" to you, Linda. I hope you get over yourself at some point.

As to my sister, I forwarder her your little note. I let her know that I love her, and that she's always welcome in my house, that once she turns 18 and you can't control her, she's always got a place here. Who knows, maybe she'll take me up on it.

In the meanwhile, I suggest some research. For starters, open that bible you were thumping at me so hard, and re-read James, Chapter 4, paying close attention to verses 10 through 12.

Again, to whit:

10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. 11Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. 12There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you--who are you to judge your neighbor?

This really convinces me. There is no God. Not in the way we were all taught. God would not stand idly by and let his followers preach intolerance and hatred, almost without exception. Christian Fundamentalists are no different than their Muslim cousins. They are all, nearly without exception, self-righteous, self-centered, self-important assholes with nothing better to do than force their view of morality down my throat. ENOUGH.

I should never have come back to Catholicism. I should have just stayed Buddhist. I think now, I will learn about Paganism. After all, if I'm such a reprobate, I might as well indulge my curiosity, right? Besides, two of the people I care about the most are both Pagan, and they seem way more well adjusted than the idiots I have spent so much of my time around. Linda, for example.

So. What have we learned? Well, I think I have finally figured out that sex is not love. Neither is control. Nor abuse. Love, real honest, true love - that's a very special thing. I have that now. I don't want to ever give it up. It's also very freeing. That bitch no longer has any control over me, and soon, she won't have it over my sister, either. 4 years is not a long period of time. What will you do, Linda, when your hate and invective, and intolerance come home to roost? I don't know, and I no longer care. I have something you don't. I have true love. And it's taught me some very humbling things. I was wasting my time, trying to bag everything that I could. What I wanted wasn't there. What I wanted doesn't even always come from sex! All that time, all those women. What a complete waste. It was sad, and pathetic. It was like groping in the dark, finding lots of switches, but never the one that turned on the lights. I have that light now, and I thank my lucky stars every single day for being exposed to it. No matter what happens to me, I have known real love. I pity you, Linda, that you have not, and never will.

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