t0qer's Journal: Jack Olinski and the softball sized turds

Ahh man, some things you see as a kid scar you for life. This happened around 8 or 9...

I used to have this friend named jack olinski. He was a pre-maddona self preserving little twat. I remember one day me, him, and his sister took a long walk to some park with these gigantic slides made out of polished concrete when it began to rain.

We started trying to make our way back to our houses. I had quite a bit further to walk than he did when suddenly he started shivering uncontrolably and crying.

"T t t t toq i'm catching hypothermia, it's so cold!" he said.

Anyone that lives in california will tell you, when it rains here, tempature is usually around 65 degrees, not what I would call freezing. Since I was an 8 year old kid that read the various medical books my father had laying around I knew what hypothermia was.

"No jack, there's no snow. It has to be snowing or freezing for you to catch hypothermia!"

"B b b b b b but my fingers are turning purple waaaaa"

I looked at his hands, they looked normal. I told him to just concentrate on making it home. We got about 30 feet when he dropped to the ground crying.

"TTTTTTooooooQQQQQQ IIIIIMMMM DDYYYYINNNG FFFFFROOOMMM HYYYYYPPPPOOOOTTTTHHHHERRRMIIIAAAA ahhhh ahhhhh ahhh mmmmmmmmm"

Jesus christ I told myself. What a big fucking baby.

"Will you shut up if I give you my jacket?" His little sister just laughed at him.
"Yyyyyyesss"

So I gave him my jacket just to shut him up. As I walked along I noted how warm it was despite the rain and enjoyed myself. I started splashing in puddles, took my shirt off and running circles around jack. His sister even joined in (well she kept her shirt on) It just set him off again.

"Huu hhuuuuuuuu you're not funny quit teasing me!"

Big fucking baby.

"Iiii Jjjjjuuusst wannna go hoooommmmeee"

God what a pathetic person I thought to myself. Well we get to jacks house, I got my jacket back and went home.

A few months later jack was over at my house. We were doing the normal shit, shooting bb guns, checkin the chicken coop for eggs n such. He ran off to go to the bathroom so I went into the kitchen for some OJ.

"Mr Toq! Toq! come here you gotta see this!!!"

My father and I rushed into the bathroom not knowing what to expect. When we looked over the rim of the white porcilin shit receptical we saw the biggest lump of caca either of us had seen, or ever will see again!

"HOLY SHIT! THAT THING IS THE SIZE OF A SOFTBALL!" My father exclaimed. This was not an exaggeration either. Somehow this 8-9 year old guy jack squeezed a softball sized shit out of his ass, a feat i've never heard of any adult doing (other than the freaks at goatse.cx)

Well after several failed attempts to flush this monstrosity my father made jack cut it apart with a stick and flush it.

Several months later, our house started getting vandalized. We would come home to find condiments spread about the house, clothes with paint thinner on them, broken windows and such.

Then one day..

A softball sized shit in the bathtub!

My father and I looked at each other as soon as we saw it. We instantly knew which one of my friends was capable of laying such a gigantic turd, none other than Jack Olinski himself.
My father had me fetch jack. I brought him back to the house (entire time he seemed like he didn't want to go) and my father began being sorta cool with him..

"You know our house was vanalized today jack"
"It wasn't me Mr Toqer!"

I cannot forgot how that went, omfg what a moron. Well after that my father took jack to the bathroom, showed him the shit which he then again denied having any involvement with, and let him go.

I learned that day that sometimes people will pretend to be your friend, and shit in your bathroom when you're not home. Those are the kind of friends you want to avoid.

Till next post, this is toq, signing off.