"One whom crosses Duke Nukem is comparable to one whom is dead."
~ Oscar Wilde on Duke Nukem
"Come get some!"
~ Duke Nukem on opening a new McDonald's restaurant
"If that don't teach you a lesson, might show you his Smith and Wesson"
~ Foreigner (Headknocker)
According to the uncyclopedia, Duke Nukem was 2nd on the Rolling Stones "500 Baddest Motherfuckers of all time" following Chuck Norris.
Every now and then somebody at slashdot mentions the old guy, and laughs about him. Man, you shouldn't laugh at an old war hero whose seen better days like that! I don't see anybody laughing about John Wayne. Uh, ok, that link does, but they're assholes. Not serious assholes, just your every other day garden variety assholes.
Well, maybe that link and Jackie Chan in the movie Shanghai Noon.
Oh, and at Felber's, too. There's a big framed portrait of the Duke (Wayne, not Newton... I mean, Nukem), and somebody put a speech balloon on it that says "I never pushed 1 for English".
But I digress. I was hanging around with Duke (Nukem, not Wayne) when he was a squeaky little side scroller. I saw him yesterday, the poor old guy isn't doing too well.
"Duke!" I said. "Hey, dude, it's mcgrew, haven't seen you in a while! Where you been?"
"Hey mcgrew, hi, howarya, haven't seen you since you took that vacation to Stroggos. I' been in the hospital lately mostly." He was bald, wrinkled, walked with a stoop and carried a cane. No doubt the cane had a sword in it. Or even more likely, a chain saw.
"Well, after Mr. Broussard and the guys retired me I started drinking pretty heavy. I wound up homeless and depressed, and tried to kill myself. They said I had PTSD and put me on Paxil. Boy, mix that stuff with alcohol...
"Then I got a bad case of gout. I have arthritis all over now."
It was sad, seeing my old hero like this.
"Who's your doctor?" I asked.
"I'm indigent, so I have to go to the VA hospital and take whoever they give me. The new doctor's name is 'Proton'. They tell me he's pretty good."
Fool me once, shame on you (Score:0, Troll)
Fool me twice, shame on me.
I'd been playing DOOM since I played the first one on my old 386, with the graphics turned down enough that it was playable. As soon as I saw DOOM 2 on the shelf I bought it, too. I had hundreds of user-created levels for the two DOOMS.
DOOM 3 came out. I'd just had my CPU fry from its fan failing, and bought a new motherboard and video card. I bought DOOM 3, knowing I had enough hardware to throw at the game.
It required the new Windows OS, XP. Sixty bucks for a game that wouldn't run on my OS. It still sits on the shelf uninstalled. I didn't RTFA, but don't think I have to to know that it's going to require a four CPU machine with a $10,000 video card and Windows Vista (service pack six) to run.
I'm done with Id's software. R.I.P. Springfield Fragfest.