Regular readers know that Homer Simpson's sister in law is a Springfield Alderman and that the 3D Springfield (the real one, not the wannabes in all those other states) is a whole lot funnier than the 2D Springfield.
It's absolutely hilarious if you're smoking pot. Roll up a fattie and read these excerpts from Today's paper.
A 20-year-old man who was shot at 16th and Edwards streets early Wednesday may have accidentally done it himself after committing an armed robbery, police said Thursday.
The man was treated at Memorial Medical Center for a gunshot wound to the hand.
Police were sent about 12:40 a.m. to 16th and Reynolds streets to talk to a robbery victim. He said he was sitting in a friend's work vehicle in the 1700 block of East Mason Street when a man walked up and asked for a cigarette. The victim gave him one, at which point the man pulled out a large-barreled gun and pointed it at the victim while demanding his money.
The man then opened the vehicle door and went through the victim's pants pockets, taking $90 and some change. He fled west on Mason Street, ran into an alley and ducked behind a fence in the 1500 block of East Reynolds, where the victim heard a single gunshot, he told officers.
A short time later, police got a call that someone matching the robber's description was at Memorial being treated for a gunshot wound.
Police said they believe the 20-year-old accidentally shot himself while fleeing. He had not been arrested as of Thursday afternoon.
The truck driver from Arizona told police he was passing through Quincy, [quite a ways west of here] when he met up with a woman who helped take off his pants and boots for sex. But the woman instead stole his money and took off.
Hudson chased the woman into a nearby house. There he ran into a 16-year-old girl, who screamed as a pantsless Hudson approached.
The teen claimed Hudson assaulted and yelled at her, causing physical injury and psychological harm that lasted for several months. Hudson said he inadvertently ran into the girl and caught his hand in her hair as he tried to flee and find the woman who robbed him.
Hudson was sentenced to 20 years in prison. He protested the conviction, saying there wasn't enough evidence to convict him for such a serious crime. He also said state lawmakers didn't intend for psychological harm to be enough to warrant a home invasion charge.
Apologies for the recent lack of real journals. Things haven't been too good lately; yesterday the eye doctor worried the hell out of me.
But life gets wierder and wierder. These cartoon characters I hang out with seem to wind up in the paper. This next little item isn't funny at all, or who knows, maybe from a far enough away perspective it is.
Tami was certainly bothered. Last night she woke me up with a phone call.
"Oh! My! God!" She exclaimed excitedly to me.
"What? I was sleeping!" I grumbled, looking at the clock and cursing myself for answering the phone.
"I was driving down the street and there was a car stopped, and went around what looked like a sleeping bag. But there was a man laying in the road and his head was bleeding!
"I freaked out! I got out of the car and another woman was stopped and I asked her for her cell phone to call 911, but I had a phone in my pocket and she was already on the phone calling 911.
"I thought he was dead until he moved a little. The cops came from every direction and surrounded us. We talked to them and then left. I can't believe they didn't smell the alcohol on my breath.
"He looked familiar, I think he drinks at Farley's! The one woman said she saw the guy get hit, the guy who ran over hm was driving a red T-Bird.
"But what's sick was three or four cars drove around him and kept on going!"
By JOHN REYNOLDS
Published Friday, March 21, 2008
A man lying in the roadway suffered serious injuries when he was run over by a car at 11th and Cook streets late Thursday.
Springfield police said the driver failed to stop after hitting the man just after 11 p.m.
The victim, whose identity was not released, was taken by ambulance to Memorial Medical Center. His condition was not available.
Witnesses provided police with a description of the hit-and-run vehicle, and a car matching that description was stopped by officers near Ninth and Phillips streets.
The motorist was suspected of driving under the influence, police said.
Police were having the witnesses take a look at the driver and the vehicle in an attempt to get a positive identification.
John Reynolds can be reached at 788-1524.
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Thank you, Jason Piscia, online editor
Tami is certainly a cartoonish character. She's about four foot eight and really fat. She almost never goes without her baseball cap. If you remember the "troll" dolls from years ago, picture one of them grossly obese, and that's Tami.
I don't know what makes people here look so cartoonish. I mean, I haven't taken any Paxil for years. Maybe I have Paxil flashbacks?