Amy broke up with her boyfriend.
Yes, that Amy. Pretty face and built like a brick shithouse Amy. Young Amy. My roommate Amy.
The Amy that doesn't go for older guys and isn't a whore. Damn it!
Not that I haven't tried... but you know, there are some things I understand well and some things I'll never understand. I have a good grasp of what electricity is, how it works, and how to control and use it. I know a lot about computers, from NAND gates and how their circuits are built to low, mid, and high level programming (I once hand-assembled Z-80 code to make a battle tanks game on a Timex-Sinclair 1000 computer with 4k of memory and tape storage).
But women? I'm not good with women at all. Never have been. I'm trying my damndest to learn, though. I was actually married to a woman once. Or a reasonable facimile thereof; I think she was really Satan in disguise. I referred to her in the old Paxil Diaries after my divorce as Evil-X.
Most of what I learned about women I learned from the powers of Evil.
- The one thing that will attract a woman, more than any other thing, is another woman on your arm
- A woman doesn't want you unless she can take you away from another woman
- A woman isn't impressed by a big dick, but if you have one she'll brag about it to her friends and if you don't she'll make fun of it
- A woman is incapable of putting anything back where she found it.
- Women will bitch about the very aspects of their men that attracted them to their men in the first place
- Most women prefer the sexual vibrators manufactured by the Harley-Davidson corporation
- A woman will throw the things you want to keep away, and keep the things you want to throw away. She'll throw out the "useless junk" your late great grandfather left you but leave the ball of lint and empty soap box on the dryer.
- A woman will rearange your shit so she can bitch about your asking where it is. "Well LOOK for it!"
- A woman can never get enough sex, but she can get too much sex
- There is no good answer to the question "is my ass too big?"
- You're most attractive to any woman right after you've had sex with a different one
So being dateless New Years Eve, Amy decided to go drinking with her roommate. Me. I didn't mind; like I said, nothing about a man attracts a woman more than another woman on his arm.
The night before New Years Eve, we and Tami decided to go to Farley's to see if I could cash a check there. I'd gotten rid of my ATM card because that's another thing I learned about women: they're usually expensive as hell, and if I can't get to my cash I won't spend it. The cheapest sex I ever had cost me a draft Budweiser, but the most expensive cost me a house, a car, and part of my pension.
They cashed a fifteen dollar check, so I got a beer and Amy wandered off to flirt with some of the losers that hang out there that were closer to her age. Tami said "watch this!"
"Bobo's here. Every time my husband cheats on me he rats him out. I'm going to see how long it takes him to rat me out." So she proceeded to hang on me as if she really really wanted me to fuck her. Bobo's eyes were bugging out more tham Homer Simpson's. It seemed as if everyone in the place was staring. Shit, everybody thought I was fucking her before, including the shiftless alien she's married to, now I'm sure they're all sure.
The rest of the night got hazy because I started drinking a lot faster than usual.
But anyway, Amy and I wound up at one of my hooker friends' pimp's house the next evening, New Years Eve, where I met a couple of new hookers, an older (almost as old as me), somewhat heavy black chick and a Hispanic girl maybe 40 or so. The black chick seemed to want to fuck, and "Luther" even offered me a room to do it in. But I felt funny about it, as I was supposed to be with Amy.
So I didn't get laid that night. I had a "date" lined up with "Kathy" the next day anyway. Amy and I left and went back home, and the doorbell soon rang. I was still awake at six in the morning, drunk, and decided to go to bed. Amy left with the party.
I had a "date" lined up with "Kathy" for New Years Day, but she couldn't get a babysitter, but it didn't matter since all I had left in my wallet was the twenty I keep folded up by the condom anyway. I wasn't going to spend my "fuck money" on pussy, not when my gas tank was empty, there was no beer, and I was almost out of toilet paper.
Kathy has a live-in boyfriend who doesn't know she's a prostitute, just like "Julia". The baby is his; or rather, he thinks it's his, without a DNA test who knows? It's not like she was ever faithful to him, being a hooker and all. So we rescheduled for yesterday, and I got Tami to babysit.
Now, Tami owed me twenty bucks I loaned her two weeks ago, and she was going to babysit for twenty bucks. She got five more from me yesterday morning. And she wanted yet another twenty after the babysitting! I wound up giving her another ten, she cost more than the fucking hooker!
That's women for you.
At any rate, after my license suspension Kathy and I visited a friend of hers who sold reefer, so I have a new supplier of the herb. While I was there I met another woman whose nickname is "Moe". She's my age; almost exactly my age, in fact, as she's two weeks older than me. She's not that bad looking for her age, thin but not anorexiic, blue eyes and (dyed?) brown hair. Not bad looking at all, especially for her age. And seemed to be impressed with me. We'll see after I ask her out; I got her phone number!
I fear I'm about to become Mo' po'. Every time I meet another woman my wallet shrinks.
Next: Harry's Adult Day Care