A woman propositioned me the other night in a bar! But I found out she was married. Shit, I'll not only get my nerd license suspended but revoked; I had a chance at sex and turned it down!
Lest you think I'm some super stud really good looking guy, I'm not. It's just that crazy women are attracted to me, and the crazier they are the more attracted. Normal women won't give me a second look. It's the psychopaths, alcoholics, and drug addicts that think I'm a really cool guy. Both my girlfriends last year, the toothless shapeless Chris and the 300 pound Robyn were stark raving mad, on psychomeds. If Amy's ex husband had a sister she'd probably fall in love with me.
And speaking of married women, Tami's Peruvian husband, Harley, called the other morning wanting a ride to get some fix-a-flat. As I was leaving the parking lot to go give him a ride, Tami walks up with tears streaming down her face. She wanted to chill at my house because according to her, Harley was going to kill her. "Apparently it's all my fault that I got a flat."
I gave Harley the ride, and it turns out that what pissed him off was that she'd lost the car's jack. Tami's not the brightest bulb on the tree.
Neither, it seems, is Harley. The tire was off the rim; fix-a-flat wasn't going to work. So I loaned him the jack.
Tami crashed at my house that night. She took some pills and was asleep by 7:00. Bored, I went to bed around 7:30. I hadn't seen Amy since last Friday morning when I dropped her off at work, and she came bounding in, drunk on her ass, around 9:30 demanding a ride. I wound up giving her a ride to the gas station to use the phone. After she drunkenly cursed me for not driving across town even though she refused to part with a couple of dollars for gas, I dumped her at the McDonalds. There's only so much abuse I can take, even from a drunk as attractive as Amy.
I ran out of gas as I pulled into the parking lot at work yesterday morning. I got ahold of Linda's BF, who came by with Linda and a can of gasoline.
I'd been thinking about getting hold of Debbie, the crazy woman who'd picked me up in the sleaziest dump in town last Saturday, as gee whiz I haven't been laid in a long time. It was damned hard to turn that married drunk down at the other bar, but shit... anyway, how to get rid of Tami? And Linda's BF said he was bringing a bud by so hell, I was cockblocked anyway.
This morning I'm trying to figure out how to get Tami out of my hair so I can find a less married woman to stick it in and the phone rings. It's Amy, who had been in rehab for her alcoholism since I dumped her Wednesday night, wanting a ride home. Home, to my house. I told her she'd have to wait an hour and a half until lunch.
Right before lunch she called from Farley's - "never mind, I'm drinking today". Sure as anything she'll come stumbling in tonight. Her BF, who she had broken up with, precipitating her fall off the wagon, called today looking for her. Maybe I can pawn her off on him - but it's doubtful; the guy's divorce isn't final and he has his kids on weekends, and he doesn't want them to know about Amy.
I need a good woman to keep me away from all these crazy ones. Ill never get laid.