Journal jawtheshark's Journal: Flashback: My first time... 14
Let me first introduce you to the girl that was actually crazy enough to share her bed with me. It all starts back in summer 1988, no that is no typo: I met the girl first in '88. Back then I was 11, she was 13. We met at a summer camp and for some reason I fell in love with her, and as things happen so did she. I could tell you about that summer camp, but it is not relevant to the story and you can of course understand this was pure puppy love and nothing sexual was to be found during those days.
What is important, however, is to know that this summer camp was organised by an Antwerpian scouts-like organisation and I was there only by a strange succession of events. So in short: I lived in Luxemburg and the girl I loved lived in Antwerp. Impossible love of course, and it would have stayed a summer love if she didn't do something unexpected: she wrote! Oh, I do remember the red envelope and I do remeber about what she wrote. For all of you youngsters outside: letters and envelopes are the real-life equivalent of email just much much slower.
So over the years we became good penpals. You can imagine that the "love" part went away after some time, but we did enjoy the communication. Liesbeth (for that is her name) was a real good friend and a good writer, she could write letters over 16 pages long, just incredible. We knew about each others dreams, I knew about her lovers. Oh, well you get the picture.
Fast forward to 1994. I was seventeen and not yet the bitter man I am now. Though the first glimpses of bitterness already spawned in my mind. I had given up on love by then. I just graduated that July from highschool and knew I was going to enroll for Computer Science at the University of Antwerp. The frequency of our letters had dropped and we were living apart. I don't know what a weird twist of fate happened, but she called and wanted to know if she could come over to Luxemburg to visit me for the 21th July (which is the Belgian national holiday). Of course that was no problem and so she came the 21th and we fetched her from the station. It was a wonderfull day, perfect sunshine and I took her out to our pretty capital and showed her around.
At lunch we went to the pizza hut (hey, low budget people...you have to understand) where we drank wine, and in the afternoon I showed her the grund and the beautiful parks in our city. Now that I think back to it, these are very romantic walks. I didn't realise it by then...and all the time we just chattered and talked about life, dreams, and everything. In the evening she had to go back to Antwerp and I decided to escort her home. I had to go to Antwerp anyway to enroll for my courses. It was crazy and unplanned and yet I did it.
The conversations on the train however took a different angle: we started to talk about love. As I said, I had given up on love, and I was fierely defending my opinion. I cannot recall everything we talked about but I do know one part of the conversation (freely reconstructed):
Liesbeth: So you never kissed?
Jorg: No...I never have.
Liesbeth: But don't you miss kissing?
Jorg: How can I miss something that I don't know. That is just not possible.
Deep silence
You realise this is not much to remember, but it should have given me an indication what she was up to. Of course I was too naive and inexperienced to understand the real meaning. Let's say that the rest of the trip went without too much notable events. Let's fast forward to her house. Her parents were out of town and we had the house to our own. I had to pass the night there, and I asked where I should sleep. Expecting an answer in the style of "the couch" or "my brother's bed", she astonished me with a very strange reply. Liesbeth actually told me that I could sleep with her in her bed: her reasoning was quite logical so I did not see anything special to it. She said that her female friends slept with her in her bed too (now that I think of it...that was very weird after all). So I accepted, put on my pyjamas and we went to bed. (lights out and all).
And then it happened, she started to gently stroke my neck. If there is something that makes me crazy it is that. I don't just remember exactly, but suddenly I was kissing her...or was she kissing me? Well, in no time I was there with a horny beautiful woman (yes, I still think she is pretty) that didn't have any clothes before I realised what happened. She wanted sex, that for sure... and I did too... but I knew this was going to screw our friendship. So I refused to take off my pants. Have you ever got a hard-on and your pyama pants nearly soaked by female moisture? Now, well, I did...yet I stayed faithfull to my idea that sex would spoil anything that our friendships stood for. Oh, she tried, telling me that she loved me...and I did get weak at some point and did service her orally and with my nible litte fingers. However she never got into my pants.
Yes, I was an idiot...yes, I know that now. I should have seized the occasion, I should have known that everything had changed the moment I got into her bed. Anyways...it was a looong looong night... she told me she understood. She brought me to the University the next day, and we said goodbye with a simple kiss on the cheek. I enrolled, and went back home.
I didn't hear from her for months. (The timescales are a bit off, I don't keep a journal) One day that fall, she stood before my door of my student-apartment. We had so much to catch up on and yet again we talked and talked and talked until very late in the night. Some wine, good conversation and I found myself again in her arms. Kissing, fondeling and this time I was telling myself "screw it...I'm going for it". But I was very inexperienced, not even being able to penetrate myself. I still remember the awkward feeling of trying and suddenly she seizing me and literally putting me into her. Well, as things went... I tried... but here too, I was too nervous and never came myself. Of course this again was "okay" for her. In the morning I sneaked her out of my room (I don't think I could let someone sleep over according to my landlord).
After this, we exchanged some letters, and later on I heard from a common acquaintance that when she slept with me she actually had a boyfriend. Yup, I helped her cheat. Once again the letters faded and the months went on. She visited once during the exam period, but I kicked her out because I was very very nervous because of my maths exam the next day.
So a year, perhaps longer...she came around again knocking on my door. Same scenario: wine, talk until deep in the night and ending up in her arms. That time however I knew how the things worked and I rambled like a rabbit, actually without even taking too much consideration for Liesbeth. I came, really...this is the only time I actually came when with a woman. The next day, some of my friends actually knew what had happened just by the smile on my face. Now, that must have meant something *grin*
And I was right about the friendship: I never heard of her again. I think that either way, not having sex with her or having sex with her would have destroyed everything. I was trying to save a hopeless friendship. Actually I would lie to you if I never heard of her again. I tried to visit her once to show off my TT (that's 2 years ago) but she had moved from home. This year I got a christmas card from Liesbeth and her boyfriend (husband? who knows...), I didn't reply.
And this is all what happened in my sexlife up until about 8 years later with Jenny, but you know that story....
Wow (Score:2)
American Companies do cultural adaption (Score:1)
Second, I have seen that many companies adapt to local customs. We get wine and beer in the Pizza Huts here. Probably ever some spirits but I never ordered any. Actually they even have a "Luxembourgisch" pizza with local specialities on it.... I never dared to try it, I usually take the "Bergère" (with goat cheese...yummy!)
Another example would be the MacDonalds: we can get beer at a MacDonalds here. No wine though, but beer goes very well with hamburgers. Hmmmm...haven't been in the MacDonalds in ages, so I could mix it up with another Burger chain but you get the picture.
Third: is that really the first thing you thought of when you read the journal entry? I actually tried to write it in a halfway entertaining way, but perhaps I did not succeed. I find that the reactions on the journal entry are quite low, perhaps it was too long. Anyway it was a special entry for you, as you know (even if it was several weeks late)
Re:American Companies do cultural adaption (Score:2)
The journal wasn't too long for such an involved story. To cut out a portion would mean a degredation in the over all story, and I can't really see where things could have been even partially cut back.
Re:American Companies do cultural adaption (Score:1)
I don't think that any restaurent (be it fastfood or normal) would last long in Europe if you couldn't get a beer with the meal. I think the bussiness people managing those multinational chains know that far too well. You have to realise that here in Europe, even the small shops that sell french fries (in Belgium they are called "Fritkot", and I won't start ranting about the fact that "French Fries" aren't actually french but Belgian) always sell cans of beer. ;-)
You also have to know that it is perfectly acceptable to drink a few beers over lunchtime when you go out to a restaurant with coworkers. Actually we had some really decadent lunchtimes, drinking wine and finishing of with Grappa. Not that we worked much in the afternoon though. *grin*
Oh, and you should see the quarterly meetings: they are very popular! Not because of the boring speeches about "how well we are doing and what contracts we won", but actually for the "drink" after it. Boy I always get home completely wasted after such a meeting! Often they go to a good restaurant after the meeting and go on with wine and the like. I usually avoid that...it would be too much.
Guess the stereotype of alcoholic europeans fits, eh?
Glad that you liked the entry... I just started writing it, and by remembering, it is started all to fall into place. That is probably why the entry is so long. ;-)
Now I just fear I'm out of this kind of stories... I'll just have to get back to my geeky entries as before.
Re:American Companies do cultural adaption (Score:2)
Ok, seriously (Score:2)
Heh, anyways, it's pretty cool you managed to share such an awkward experience with someone you were so deeply connected with. The intentions may not have been as pure as you would have liked, but from what I can tell it was her immaturity that ruined it, not anything you did. I've known a few girls who were proned to cheating, they have a habit of ruining lives like a tornado.
And, I would like to point out two things before I stop this ever-so-long comment. One: she was in your arms. Second: women only have as much power as you give them. I see throughout all your postings you like to give power to women, I do that myself still. Well, that's my story and I might actually have to break down to emailing you directly to share this kind of stuff.
Anyway, I have to run and share a bottle of wine with a woman I just now came to terms with and am equal with (as friends though, but sometimes that's just better). We definitely should talk sometime.
Cheers
Glad you have a serious opinion too... (Score:1)
Of course I understand you woudn't post such a story in your own journal because the lady in question could actually read slashdot. I also realise that by making such journal entries myself, I spoiled about all the chances ever "getting" a geek girl... especially if she reads slashdot. She would know that our (eventual) story would invariably end up here sooner or later.
For the rest I'm glad you liked the story, but I have to tell you that I don't look at it in the negative way you might think. Actually I tend to think back of it quite fondly and that is one of the reasons I like to tell the story. That, and of course the fact to show off my inability to get a "good" girl :-)
I do have to agree on the fact that women only get the power you give them. The problem with guys like us, is that we tend not to have a choice. We either give the power and get hurt, or we do not get anything at all. Being a jerk never ever helped me with the ladies.
Being a jerk works but you need some assets. For instance my cousin (my beer-buddy, yes, I'm a heavy drinker which doesn't help with the ladies either) is such a guy. He has one of the prettiest, intelligent, and horniest girls I ever met. To prove the horny part: I sent her an vibrator two valentines ago, because she complained about him in a sexual way (by email of course). I promised her that vibrator as a joke, but then I said: what the heck... She already thanked me many many times. And he took it with the necesary humour.
What I do want to tell you about him and her is that he treats her like crap and yet she still comes back for more. Of course, he is a very handsome man and about every girl I know *wants* him. That is exactly what I mean with assets....and no, a sportscar is not an asset, believe me, I know.
Whew (Score:2)
Anyway, I'm glad you take this in a positive light. As for being a jerk, I've noticed two kinds of jerks in my life, the ones who go to far, and the ones who do it just enough. I actually have a theory that the only reason the "just enough" jerks get what they do because they don't wuss out. Actually I just got a perfect example of that today, I'll have to share it with you over my next email.
Oh yeah, sorry about the Belgium thing. What can I say, I'm a stupid American who can't take the time to read.
SPAM...etc.. (Score:1)
Balance in Jerkness...now that is tough, don't you think ;-) I'm just not a good jerk, either I'm a nice guy which women like as a "friend" or I'm a complete jerk and they turn away from me. Balancing is very hard I think. You have to be born with it I guess ;-)
You are excused for the Belgium thing. My dad recently bought a .lu domain, so perhaps I'll use that one in future. ;-)
Re:SPAM...etc.. (Score:2)
The worst part is, the more I try to practice being more "jerkish" the worse I feel. Personally it's not really in my personality to be an ass to someone I don't know, unless I don't like them. The absolutely confusing thing is with women it's like you almost have to be like that at the beginning, or you're a friend. Argh. What a pain in the butt.
Personally I can very well see myself just going the rest of my days without anyone. I'm getting way to close to that point where it actually seems like a good idea. Why the hell should I be the one who has to change my ways just for some woman? Is it really me if I do? Argh. My computer never gives me these problems. (Now if only it would blow me...)
Haha. Anyway, what the hell is my point? Or do I have one? Whatever, it's late here in the states (You know, that place near Canada), so I'm headed to bed.
I think you should answer the postcard (Score:1)
Did you see that? I can't use HTML entities in my signature anymore. I'm so pissed off right now!
A little detail... (Score:1)
Eating, drinking, partying, sleeping, the holiday season is so nice!
Of course we wish you all the best for 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, etc, etc, etc...
If you take this literally, she wished me luck for the rest of my life. That's quite clear that it doesn't need any reply, don't you think?
Re:A little detail... (Score:1)
"All the best" - how I hate this phrase. It's so empty.
Wow (Score:1)
I feel sorry that it went this way, Jorg. I know Liesbeth, and as a little kid I allways considered her as the 'evil tallest girl that looked like a spiderwoman' when I was in school. I was in her class for 5 years. That was even before college. But I do know she was actually just having fun and that she has a great chaotic personality ( I tend to like those ).
Sometimes girls are difficult to 'read', and it's usually when it's too obvious, that your ratio spins it around to see if there is not a more complex reason behind all of it, and then you get lost in space and time. I've had similar experiences. I had to try to get used to it, try to identify it, and find a way to respond as natural as you can at that particular moment. Natural worked for me.
In fact, I don't think you or I are the only guy's who ever turned down girls once or twice. It happened in my life, because I was not interested in relationships, or felt not ready for it at that time, to the extend that I thought I was cursed by one of these girls. But you are what you do. So I started analysing the whole mess and came to the conclusion that I had nothing to loose, that I should go for it and just forget about the past. That I should listen to the sound of my hart more, and what it wants, instead of whatever red flags my ratio pulls on me.
But I guess everybody has to work out his own life and the choices he makes. Making stupid sad music helped me break out of my cage, to analyse situations in an emotional manner, to put the feelings into data. After a few years, my melodies became warmer and breath more life.
If it's a relief to you, I'm not sure that this kind of semi-public confession thing is beneficial in any way, so proove me wrong
ignace