By Greg Knauss (McSweeny's)
Choosy black goats with a thousand young choose Jif.
American Express: Don't leave R'yleth without it!
A-1 makes hamburgers taste like the rotting flesh of the conquered dead.
You're in good oily, grasping tentacles with Allstate.
M&M's: The milk chocolate melts in your maw, not in... whatever that is.
Campbell's Soup: M'm! M'm! Aaagughguuggh!
The best part of rising from a thousand year slumber is Folgers in your cup.
Microsoft: Where do you want to go today? [Unchanged.]