Advertising Slogans Targeted At the Elder Gods
By Greg Knauss (McSweeny's)

Choosy black goats with a thousand young choose Jif.

American Express: Don't leave R'yleth without it!

A-1 makes hamburgers taste like the rotting flesh of the conquered dead.

You're in good oily, grasping tentacles with Allstate.

M&M's: The milk chocolate melts in your maw, not in... whatever that is.

Campbell's Soup: M'm! M'm! Aaagughguuggh!

The best part of rising from a thousand year slumber is Folgers in your cup.

Microsoft: Where do you want to go today? [Unchanged.]