TechnoLust's Journal: How to stop door to door solicitors from coming by.

OK, well I was reading the Vermont Story and I posted this comment. While I was posting that, I was reminded of another invasion of my privacy. You see I have to deal with people all day at work and when I go home I want to relax and not be bothered. My family and friends are great to have around, but I don't want to explain to some shmuck why I don't want to use MCI long distance. (I use my cell phone with nation-wide calling.) My post covered phone calls, but as an added bonus for my loyal(?) journal readers, I decided to relate a story of I how stopped some Jehova's Witnesses from knocking on my door every week. This should work on just about any door to door salesman, but is especially effective on relious groups. Before I continue, though, I want to say that I am not opposed to any of these people or their religions. I myself am Christian, and I think it is wonderful that in this country (USA) I can tell people about my religion without worrying whether or not the government likes my particular religion. I DO NOT, however, go door to door and shove my views down people's throats. I may casually mention being Christian, and if they ASK me about it, I will tell them whatever they want to know. I know that JWs (Jehova's Witnesses) believe it is their job to go and tell people, and that's cool, I respect that, but if I ask you to stop coming... please stop coming. So, I don't want anyone to get all upset and offended. It didn't have anything to do with the fact that they were JWs, just that they wouldn't stop coming. Anyway, here's the story:

This was several years ago, when I was in high school and lived with my parents. We lived in one of the nicer neighborhoods by the river, so we were frequented by all manner of Mormons, JWs, and other religious groups trying to "show us the light." Normally a polite, "Thanks, but we are quite happy with our church" would suffice. However, lately that wasn't enough, we had to give a 5 minute oration about why we loved our church and, yes, we were sure we weren't going to switch. It was becoming a nuisance, so I decided to put an end to it, but how?

One day, I got home and started dinner. (Both parents worked until 5, so it was up to my sister and myself to prepare dinner. This worked out good for me, because now that I have my own place, I can cook for myself.) We were having steaks that night, so I got them out of the fridge and began tenderizing them. (If you don't know, you can tenderize steaks by hitting them with a little hammer that has a grid of sharp points on it. The only side effect of this is little flecks of blood/marinade get on your hands, wrists, and forearms.) I hear the door bell ring, so I grab a dish towel and head down the stairs to the front door. I open the front door and there are some JWs (they were in a car; the Mormons always rode bikes). I said, "Can I help you?" They replied, "No, but maybe we can help you." (Ok, gotta admit, that was clever, albeit rehearsed.) I then noticed he was looking down as I wiped the dark red, blood/marinade from my hands on the towel. He manages to (almost) hide his curiousity and confusion long enough to ask, "Do you have a few minutes to talk about your eternal soul." I know it's a trick question. They've pulled it on me before. Say no, and they ask what could be more important than your eternal soul. But suddenly the muse of evil practical jokes speaks to me and I know exactly how to answer. I say, "I would really like to hear your thoughts, but I'm terribly busy. We are sacrificing a goat to the Evil Master, and he get's pissed if it isn't on time. We have an extra goat if you'd like to stay, then afterwards we can have that conversation." Then, as the color drains from his face, he says, "Umm... No. We really need to get going. We are sorry we interupted your... umm... err... bye." And they hurried back to the car and drove away. They did not return for several years. Only now, my parents tell me, are they starting to return en mass.

Fight fire with fire

[kilroy_hau]

You could do like this woman did: [thetimes.co.uk]

"A mother of three children became so fed up with Jehovah's Witnesses calling at her home that she interrupted their Sunday service by banging on their church door and offering them free magazines. She was bored with their monthly visits for the past 12 years. 'It is not the religion I object to, it is just the intrusion into my privacy which I find annoying.'"

Some comedian

[gmhowell]

said that you should drop trou, and start masturbating on the spot.

FWIW, I don't have a problem with you making that girl cry. Like you said, she didn't have to take that job. But I do wish I lived in your area. You claim the McDonald's look for bright, cheerful, helpful folk? Damn. Around here, they look for surly dipshits.

McDonalds

[TechnoLust]

Hahaha! Yeah, I said they were looking for them... I didn't say they found them. If you missed Adventures in Stupidity [slashdot.org] you may want to give that a read. Brilliant Customer service.