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Comment Also from TSA (The Satire Agency) (Score 1) 377

INTERNAL MEMORANDUM - CONFIDENTIAL: With the blaring defect of not being able to see into body cavities using our full-body scanner, we must now include cavity searches as part of our routine security checks. Any TSA employee assigned to cavity screening who has calluses or abnormally large fingers MUST NOT be switched to other duties according to equal opportunity laws in at least 10 states. Because of this, special permission is given to employees who find use of their fingers inadequate to this task to use other, more sensitive, body appendages. For liability reasons, all screenings must be recorded and stored digitally on our public FTP server, and a parent must be present when the person being screened is under 18 (though restraints may be applied to either party when necessary). Please remember that proper sanitization of all instruments and skin involved in cavity searches must be observed to avoid disease transmission on a global scale.

Comment Boring... (Score 1) 130

Give me a dataset I can import into a spacial database to query the distance between the moon and alpha centauri to the centimeter as of last tuesday adjusted for motion over duration of travel then I'll be impressed. Seriously, I want to make a time-lapse video of that helium-filled sex doll I released at the rapture party through my telescope.

Comment Really editors? (Score 1) 253

I can see it now: "Ambulance unit 23, please report to 983 Columbia Ave for a well-being check, we just got a call from owner's HMO saying they got data the owner just bought a ton of junk food but is diabetic and near a heart attack. HMO says only deliver to St. Joseph Memorial." "Dispatch this is unit 23, owner is out walking his dog while kids are celebrating a birthday party, false alarm" Yeah, that won't piss off your customers. You accept garbage data and act on it, you might as well lock your doors and put that CLOSED sign in the window permanently. Most HMO's are not that stupid.

"Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..." -- Professor in the UCB physics department