For these groups: middle management, "UX" design, human resources, and everyone at or above executive level...
They get their own building, with its own network. We''ll call it location "E." The network is in no way connected to the outside world. There is no mailroom, and no delivery access to the building. All vehicles in the parking lot are to be classic Pintos. The parking lot shall be liberally equipped with speed bumps.
Developers, Manufacturing and Shipping work in another building or complex. We'll call it location "D."
Location D requires its own badges. You can't get past the lobby security installations if you don't have one. If you try, you get dumped in an unmaintained pond over-populated with carnivorous ducks carefully selected for unusually unsanitary and highly aggressive natures. To protect these wonders of evolution, the pond shall be patrolled by duck enthusiasts with fully automatic weapons.
Location D has its own network, which is firewalled at every possible level against anything, in or out, from location E, as a prophylactic measure, should location E somehow arrange for a WAN connection.
At location D, the janitorial staff shall work hand-in-hand with the mailroom to heat the building by incinerating any mail or package that isn't (a) a paycheck, or (b) items that are on a list of things previously ordered by the occupants of location D.
Location D shall have its own high quality NY pizza shop, a Dunkin Donuts, and an Orange Julius. The mailroom shall be responsible for delivery of products from these to the developer's desks, and for running out to fetch non-local take out orders. Mailroom salaries to be commensurate with consistency of their on-time, still-fresh delivery records, which shall be kept in consummate detail.
At location D, female developers shall have hot male sexataries with pole- and stripping-experience. Male developers shall have hot female sexataries with pole- and stripping-experience. Poles shall be conveniently located in and/or near all developer offices. The sexatarial pool shall have both a shallow and a deep end, a selection of diving boards at varying heights, and a suitably awesome sound system and snack bar, and it shall be located adjacent to a well-equipped workout center. Fridays shall be devoted to data collection by careful developer examination of active poles.
Location D shall have a rooftop laser tag facility with long-range light-arms. Location E shall situate all offices such that they have windows facing location D, and all location E personnel shall be required to wear lasertag suits that (with one exception) simultaneously initiate a period of physical incapacitation (locked limbs) and a significant shock. The single exception to this rule is that at location E, the vests worn by UX designers shall be equipped to deliver fatal shocks, whereas the incapacitation feature is to remain uninstalled in order to save the company money.
At location D, any occupant of an office that wishes the title "rock star" to be affixed to, or adjacent to, his or her door must demonstrate the ability to actually perform rock and roll using an actual musical instrument to a panel of rock and roll enthusiasts suitably selected from the ranks of the developers. Air guitar does not qualify. Singing ability may qualify, at the discretion of the panel. Developers so qualified shall be additionally eligible for multiple sexatarial personnel/services, a small but well-equipped stage, and their own snack counter.
All developers shall receive 1 (one) exotic car of their choice leased for them for the duration of their employment, funding for which shall be achieved by garnishing executive salaries as needed. The location D parking lot shall provide direct access to both high speed oval and full scale Nürburgring-configuration tracks. There shall be no speed bumps in the location D parking lot, however, the west extent of the lot shall be configured as a 1/4 mile track with a 1/2 mile rollout at the end.
At location D, there shall be a Lego parts acquisition department, which shall be expanded as developer needs require. All offices shall have a lego assembly and display area.