Had a failed date yesterday....
it's so sad...
I just want to find a girl who would love me. It's not fair that's it's so hard.
Had a failed date yesterday....
it's so sad...
I just want to find a girl who would love me. It's not fair that's it's so hard.
I'm flying to Belgium in 6 days, to meet one of my blog readers (she's from my country, but she's studying there). I decided it could be nice, and she always told me she wants me to visit.
But the thing that bothers me is that I'm afraid someone would fall in love with her, and she won't be able to give me time.. and my vacation will be ruined.
She told me, 2 phone calls ago, that someone is into her. At that time she wasn't interested. But in the last time I called, she sounded pretty phlegmatic and didn't talk much. Maybe she was tired, but I always have paranoid thoughts. (I also was afraid ants would get into my laptop, because I saw some ants near it. And at the end they did build a nest inside it - and I've never heard it happened to anyone before).
So... I hope she'd still let me play with her hair when I come to visit her. I really hope that... if not, I might not visit people from abroad anymore.
There's that singer that I really like, and she's like, married with 2 kids. And I've found long ago that she's living near my work place. And I always hoped to get her to know me.
And yesterday I've found that she moved to another place. I was so sad..
But on the other hand it gave me an opportunity to do interesting things: I entered the backyard (I always wondered what it looks like) and looked in the windows and stuff. I thought of leaving her a note about how sorry I am that she's leaving to another place, but later decided against it so she won't think I'm a mad psychotic stalker or something.
Today I went to her deserted house again. I was accompanied by the neighbour's dog (Usually people hate her because she keeps barking at everyone, but I became a friend of hers and she's quite cute).
There was a shed in the yard, so I opened its door and entered it. The dog prefered to wait outside - maybe she was afraid to get locked in it.
So I looked on the stuff that was left there, and then I heard someone saying "shooo!" to the dog..
Yes, the singer's husband was there.
I went out of the shed, and he asked me politely: "How are you related to this place?".
I told him: "I saw that this place was left, so I decided to visit"
He told me: "This is not quite the case".
I said I'm sorry. He said something like "Don't worry about it".. I called the dog to come after me.
I wonder what he was thinking.. probably something like "Damn.. and I thought that this place was stalker-free". It makes me feel kinda bad for causing him to be afraid. I wonder if he's going to tell his wife about that. I hope that the fact I was accompanied with a dog, made me look less threatening.
Oh well. So much for becoming a friend of that singer..
University is very stressful for me.. I suspect I might fail 3 of the 4 courses I'm registered to.. bah!
So yesterday, about half an hour before going to the 2nd CS midterm exam, I was hearing the song Destiny by Zero7 (amazing song isn't it? You can freely download it from Amazon) and I felt it gave me some tears, so I thought "What the heck. I haven't cried for long". I waited for the song to end and then I played a very sad song of terminal parting: Everything But The Girl's cover of Cindy Lauper's Time After Time.
And then I really cried.. I haven't cried like that for at least 5 years.
After that I went to do the exam, which should have been the real reason for me for crying on that day. Truly a vicious one. I hope to get 58 on it...
This seems to turn out much longer than what I expected. I hope that you, my lovely readers (including Rasa!) would be able to at least skim through it.
Guess what? BGU accepted me for Computer Science studies!
I applied to Huji and Bgu, specifying that my first priority is computer science and the last priority is math. With my psychometric and finals, I thought I didn't have much chance to get accepted to CS, so I planned to use the CS backdoor mentioned here, which means studying math first year, and then moving to CS next year.
The problem with the backdoor that it requires high grades (75-90) in order to be able to move from math year one to CS year two. And it's very hard to get those grades in the year one courses. Those courses are the notorious Calculus (Infinitesimal math) and Linear AlgeBra. And while I tried to believe in myself, I was very scared I won't be able to do that.
If you get accepted to CS, then it's enough to receive 60+ in those courses in order to continue to year 2. It's hard, but much more possible.
So the thing that happened is that Huji accepted me to math, and Bgu sent me a rejection letter after a very long wait. I called Bgu and expressed my disappointment (because I planned on Bgu), and they told me that the rejection letter was sent by mistake and I should wait to a final decision - but they also told me that I do not meet the criteria required even for studying math there.
So I've given up on them and started planning on Huji instead. It was too late to apply for dorms so my friend MercuryFillingsFan (who got dorms problems too) wanted to rent an apartment in Jerusalem with me. I wasn't sure about this decision, because moving into an apartment with a friend might be a good way to destroy friendship. But I preferred to move with him instead of moving in to live with total strangers.
So he came to my place and we were about to ride and start our apartment journey, when I've noticed there was a letter from Bgu to me on the piano. It was a thick letter, unlike the slim rejection letter that I received previously - which was a good sign, but I was sure it'd be just telling me that I got accepted to math, and I've already given up on them.
But the letter told me that I got accepted to CS! It doesn't make much sense - Maybe they liked the recommendation letter by my uncle (who is a doctor).. but the main thing is that I can study CS! I don't have to use the math backdoor anymore, but I can enter the course in the main entrance, like a king!
Isn't it lovely? I started to shout like crazy and woke up my sister.
My parents are in New England now, so I asked them to bring me the book Calculus for Dummies (because it didn't get exported yet), so I'll be able to get ready for that infamous course. Normally I look down on those Dummies books because they are inteneded for completely clueless, technophobic people. But this time this book fits me like a glove, because I AM clueless in math. And this book might be my saviour.. the thing that bugs me in university math is that the books are usually written in the driest possible way (being interesting is futile!), and it's hard for most humans to concentrate on that. The Calculus For Dummies book at least seems to try to be a bit interesting.
And now, about the date.
If a girl ends a date with "we'll talk", it's not a good sign is it? I read in one paper that it actually means "we will never talk again!". I hope she didn't mean that (my lil sis says that "we'll keep in touch" is a bad sign, but "we'll talk" isn't necessarily bad).
The way I met her is kinda funny. I sent an email to a project management company and asked them silly questions ("who's better. You, rival one or rival 2?"). They answered my email very seriously. Later they sent me another email asking if I need project management services.
I replied: "No, but I am looking for a girlfriend".
I didn't think they'd treat it seriously, but the anonymous marketing worker replied with "If you're looking for a very nice and serious girl, call this number and try to impress Tal".
So I called her and she was surprised that they sent her my number, but she did come to see me. She sent me an horrible picture, but she looks lovely on reality. Our date was nice - although I did most of the talking, and I sensed that "bad vibe" when we parted. I hope she'd want to see me again. But if not, I'll have plenty of girls from Bgu to meet.
If you're not going to stop procrastinating and start doing some work, I'm going to send you to a psychiatrist so he'll figure out what to do with you
And I mean it, really. I've tried rewiring my brain for a while but so far it didn't work. If it continues that way, I'll have to let someone else to deal with myself.
I've noticed long ago that most of my moods during working or studying are: Drowsy and Hyper.
Drowsy is the most common - many times I get tired from work, or just tired from thinking of it. Getting rid of the drowsy mood is pretty easy: Caffeine.
The problem is that it moves me to the Hyper mood. In this mood, I want to do something ELSE but work - like walk around, read a book or write a slashdot journal (like now!).
I've got sometimes the worky mood.. but it's more rare. God my self discipline is so messed up.
PS: Leftover, are you still reading the thingies I write here? I read you need a hug. I'll be happy to supply it, but you'll have to reply my phone call. Do it as soon as you read this!
(Update) More about the hyper mood:
I feel like something is missing, which need to be mended it before I start working. The problem is that I don't know what's missing. I try viewing news sites and webcomic sites, and sometimes that helps, but not always.
(Kinda boring plan)
There is that girl, whom I'll call Tali here - the first girl I ever had a crush on. I felt such a click when we first met, in a channel meeting up there in Jerusalem. That was somewhere at 1998. She was so enthusiastic when she spoke to me, and it was contagious. She was so cute.
But maybe this is overrated? I'm begining to doubt whether she was so magical like I thought. Anyway, on with the story. She had a boyfriend.
But we still talked. And one day in 2000 I found she had a weblog. It was built in Wiki (you know, the pages that everyone on the web can modify). And someone deleted content from it and for some reason she was sure it was me.
From that day she stopped talking with me. She ignored my emails and told an envoy that she doesn't want any contact with me anymore. I believe that it might be because of her borderline personality. Her black-and-white sorting nature told her to put me in her black list.
But I do want to speak with her. I think she's the closest thing to magical girl I've ever seen. And I have several plans.
The first plan is to try to communicate with her using THIS identity. I doubt she ever finds this blog but it could be nice if she does. She got that mailing list in Yahoo Groups, and I try posting there a message: "You should have more girls in this list because it's really boring without them". After that they blocked my username. SO - I can try sending her a scanned drawing of me saying: "Why did you block me? It's very not nice of you". I think she appreciates drawings so maybe she'll respond.
But if she doesn't.. there's plan B! I found her current blog somewhere in LiveJournal (just by googling her real name) and I can respond to it using another handle. Maybe she'll be interested who am I. The worst case that can happen will be that she will stop writing there.
Now.. there's no plan C. Maybe you could help?
That girl wrote in her blog:
And today, how much I cried..
the things that hold me are beginning to crumble.
and I'm going to fall.
So I sent her an email:
"Do you want me to help you hang in there?"
And she answered:
That's a good question, isn't it? I can just write "Well, I got the impression that you need a boyfriend". But I'm not sure she'll be pleased to see that. I wonder if there's a better way.
Update: Why aren't you answering me? I need help and fast!!!!!
Update 2: No reply from her. Maybe I should stop hitting on every damsel on distress I see there.
Update 3: She replied, and wrote "A new friend is always good!" Now.. did she mean friend or boyfriend? We'll see.
Update 4: She doesn't want to talk on the phone. That is a major turnoff, as I have no energy to get to know people through text - unless there's something magical about them.
PS: Leftover, are you reading this? You didn't return my call! It's very vicious you know!
It's real fun writing in that blog, because they allow embedding images in your posts (and you don't need to use another site for the images, too!).
So I made that my blog will have an icon for each post, just like in here.
But if I go out with the girls from there, it prevents me from writing in that blog. Hmmm weird. Very. See what kind of dilemmas I have to face?
The bitch ate my swimming goggles!
She ate their case and then she ate them, because I left that in a bag on the floor!
What can I do to prevent her to do more stuff like that? Previously she took a [metric] thermometer from my bag which was on the floor too and ate it! It totally pisses me off!!
PS: The blog flirting ended with a failure. Rini ran away from me and Rona told me she's not into a romantic relationship (after she heard my voice). Typical isn't it?
So Rona didn't call me back yet. But the first girl who contacted me, Rini, answered my email and I like the way she writes. But what, I checked her blog and she hints she had a suicide attempt after her previous relationship collapsed.
Interesting isn't it? Funny that you can't see all those extra-weird people on reality, but only on the net...... . . I hope it was only a temporary crisis.
(A confused, messed up journal entry)
I have a more interesting blog in another site, but it's too monitored now so I'll write here, where almost no one would look.
In that other site, I posted a story telling how much I'm looking for a girlfriend. And 2 girls answered it.
I started talking with the first girl (let's call her Rini) and then the other girl (let's call her Rona) also answered my journal entry, and even ordered a site subscription for me (yes, you can pay in that site so other people will have a subscribed account. It's like ordering a drink in a pub for a girl you don't know).
So.. I had short and nice conversations with Rona in the last 2 days, and she said that I'll call her today. So I did, but she's not answering.. and I waited all day. So I resumed my communication with Rini by replying her last email, after a delay of 2 days (she didn't answer yet)
But what.. that's the mess. I thought of suspending the communication with Rini until I know what goes between me and Rona - because I don't want to date with 2 girls at the same time - it confuses me and puts me under pressure. So what if Rona answers me tomorrow and then Rini answers me too? I won't know who to choose!! I can't look at that logically, because if I go with one girl, I will be angry on myself for having to reject the other girl...
PS: I found a job! I will continue working until the university starts.
I'm scrapping the bottom of the barrel now. Time to get a job.
(And why am I writing that? Because I'm such a procratinator, and writing stuff here might remind me to do them)
Another thing: I got 690 in the psychometric. So it allows me to study math starting at October. I'm choosing BGU. Wish me luck!
The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out. Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."