I paused, stared at the slowly crawling clouds in the sky, and thought to myself: "Man, it would be fucking sweet to drag my sweaty ball sac across her pretty virgin face".

I then turned to my girlfriend and smiled.

I got big balls
Big ol' balls
Big as grapefruits
Big as pumpkins
Yes sir, yes sir
And on my really good days
They swell to the size of small dogs
My balls are as big as small dogs

Well, it ain't braggin' if it's true
Yes sir, yes sir
It ain't braggin' if it's true
Muhammad Ali said that
Back when he was a young man
Back when he was Cassius Clay
Before he fought too many fights
And left his brain inside the ring

And sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods
Sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods

I got a friend whose goal in life
Was to one day go down on Madonna
That's all he wanted
That was all
To one day go down on Madonna
And when my friend was thirty-four
He got his wish in Rome one night
He got to go down on Madonna
In Rome one night in some hotel
And ever since he's been depressed
'Cause life is shit from here on in
And all our friends just shake their heads
And say too soon, too soon, too soon
He went down on Madonna too soon
Too young, too young, too soon, too soon

And it ain't braggin' if it's true
Yes sir, yes sir
It ain't braggin' if it's true
Muhammad Ali said that
Back when he was Cassius Clay
Before he fought too many fights
And left his brain inside the ring

And sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods
Sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods

If certain girls don't look at you
It means that they like you a lot
If other girls don't look at you
It just means they're ignoring you
How can you know, how can you know?
Which is which, who's doing what?
I guess that you can ask 'em
Which one are you baby?
Do you like me or are you ignoring me?
Do you like me or are you ignoring me?
Do you like me or are you ignoring me?
And all you need to do that
Is one good pair of big balls
Balls as big as grapefruits
Balls as big as pumpkins
Balls as big as mine

But even though my balls are big
Sometimes I wish they were bigger
Even bigger
Big as the wheels on tractors
Big as the golden arches
Big as the Golden Gate Bridge
Big as the state of Kansas
Big as Mars and Jupiter
Big as the swing of Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods

Does anybody actually read this?

(This will go down on your permanent record)

Losers that want attention.

Losers that have no life outside the Internet.

Losers hoping against hope that someone gives a shit about the crap they write in their online journal.

Losers that think "HEY LOOK AT ME I'M SO SMART!"

or

"I'M SUCH A GREAT WRITER LOOK AT ME WRITE!".

Online Journals bring out the worst in the worst kinds of pathetic attention seeking losers.

The point of a journal is to be introspective and learn something about yourself.

Sharing it with the world is a pathetic sympathy bid for people who had mothers that didn't love them.

---EDITED Sept 22, 2003---

Summary of changes:

I added the word "STILL" to the Subject.
I also changed the way the text was formatted because I'm not posting from a web enabled cellphone anymore.
Changed "who's" to something proper.
Oh, and I've received 5 emails from people that have been smart enough to figure out my actual email address asking if I'd enable comments so they could say something, then went ahead and emailed their comments to me when I ignored their first email. I have no desire to read a bunch of loserish rants from people in love with themselves and their online journals. I do not exist to validate you.

And in general I still stand firmly behind every word.

Post here if you read this, ever. I'm curious.

This is Dave Weekly's Slashdot journal page. God only knows if he'll actually keep it up and do anything, but this figures to at the least be a start.

So...anyone out there?