But not as we know it.

A tear just left my eye.

Yes, most women I know keep a bottle of it in their purse for usage. Not quite what you were thinking - but a much more common usage

Please don't tell me you placed a monster ad, or even worse Craigslist. Are you working with a GOOD recruiting firm? Are you big enough to have an internal sourcing team to bring you candidates?

So many people think this is easy and won't pay for the expertise to hire "the best" (Everyone wants the best, everyone also wants to pay industry average wages... Moneyball doesn't work in Tech). A good recruiter will be able to talk to you to find what you are looking for, find you a couple candidates - listen to you on why you didn't like them and change what they are sending to you, repeat until you find what you are looking for

Honestly it sounds like you have a specific set of filters you are looking for that you haven't applied (cryptographic systems, security maybe) and are bringing in generic candidates that weren't screened for these skills. I can trivially answer your questions - but then I have been in that area for 20 years, don't ask me how to write a database query or setup a JSON parser.

The trouble with the maples
(And they're quite convinced they're right)
They say the oaks are just too lofty
And they grab up all the light
But the oaks can't help their feelings
If they like the way they're made
And they wonder why the maples
Can't be happy in their shade

And of course the sad ending

So the maples formed a union
And demanded equal rights
'The oaks are just too greedy
We will make them give us light'
Now there's no more oak oppression
For they passed a noble law
And the trees are all kept equal
By hatchet, axe and saw
--- Rush 1978
Remember, you can never make yourself better by having someone else chop the other person down. Very powerful song - still resonates today.

I would be happy if the Senate shitcans it and actually votes on something else. Would be better than what H.R. has done for the past 6 years which isn't to even to bother voting on a budget, much less one that could actually pass. Lets hope the Republicans can do a little better and actually vote on a budget, even better if they can get 6-10 Democrats to vote yes (and even better if 3-4 Republicans vote against it)

Have to disagree with you a bit here.
If my preferred college has 100 openings there is a finite number of successes (people allowed in). If I allow people who aren't as qualified as I am into the college, and I don't make it in because I am not a particular color, sex, sexuality, etc. then I have been pushed back and must go to a less desirable college. This is happening today in MANY college admissions (with colleges being sued because they continue to discriminate on the grounds of sex and race/ethnicity).
Now lets throw in other factors where sex and race are used to determine winners and losers and it is demonstrably provable that for every person you push forward, you must push another person back.
If you believe a rising tide raises all boats are you a firm believer in trickle down economics as well?

I don't care that you traffic shape my traffic -> But it is immoral and should be illegal to change it. Why do we allow ISPs like this to change the traffic flowing through their systems to the destination.
I am not talking about adding an MPLS tag that gets inserted on insertion into the provider and stripped before it leaves the other side, I am talking adjusting my traffic to add content to the L4+ content. The ISP should only adjust things at L3 and below. Everything above that should never be touched (Ok - Large scale NAT I can live with - Lets move that to L5+)

Really, My company requires me to book the LUF (Lowest Usable Fair) +10%. I had to argue when the darn computer put me on a flight that included an overnight in Phoenix, that would have included a 100 dollar a night airfare because it was going to save them 50 bucks in airfare. My boss bought that argument and I got to come home a day earlier.

Airfare is driven off of the cheapest flight between two places - saving a couple hours isn't going to be a commercial success, look at the example of the Concorde.

The funny thing is most animals in captivity live 1.5-2x as long as their peers in the wild. I am going to love this, ape goes back into the wild without any real survival skills and either dies of starvation, or gets hunted by the first Jaguar that comes close to it.

Once an animal is taken out of the wild and held in captivity it is almost impossible to put them back into the wild - they just can't survive. This is why you are very careful with taking animals out of the wild - it is a one way street.

I plan on living forever

Got to love people's plans - Of course there is nothing stopping him from being hit by a bus, or other random thing that can get people.

Could it be a take on Kim Jong-un I don't get that reference - I agree he should have used Ralph Wiggum instead. That said - it shouldn't be based on the names in the title (I would hate for any Maggie Simpsons out there being denied publication) but rather the fact that it was a completely junk paper.

Divorce lawyer's best friend is Facebook. The amount of really stupid stuff that gets posted on Facebook during divorce proceedings is amazing. Imagine your ex calling the judge a child abuser - and having them have to defend that in court. Well - it happens. This is just the next step in this. We gather all kinds of data about ourselves and then get surprised when it is retrieved and brought out in open court. The rule is - control your own data, and don't have anything out there that you don't want opposing council to see.

Yes, this especially covers HIPAA covered health records, anything can be found under discovery

Since when do you "try" enemy soldiers in civilian courts during war?

Do you think we tried all of the Japanese/Italian/German soldiers during WW II?
Do you think we tried any of the central soldiers during WW I
Do you think we tried any Korean soldiers during the Korean War?
This is a silly fallacy that we have that these people deserve a trial, and if convicted get to stay in prison. I am sorry - that is not how our international treaties work, enemy combatants are kept until the war is over (remember that we actually did declare war here, this isn't a police action). When the war is over we release the prisoners back to their home countries.

To be quite honest here, many of the remaining prisoners at Gitmo can't be released because their home countries aren't stupid enough to take them back... We tried and they don't want them either. What should we do?

Very not funny. Very serious disorder at the high end, and very difficult for people at the low end to navigate the world. Lets not make fun of people because they are different.

Very true. I worked with a very highly placed software engineer that I swear was deep into the Autism spectrum. He was a fanatic about coffee, hot sauces - and could code around any other two people I knew. He also had no ability to comprehend sarcasm - so don't even try it on him, it wouldn't work. Yes, I agree there are MANY people in the IT field that fall into the Autism spectrum. They can be successful here.