A brief update on the body hacking!
For the past month I've been off the coffee due to a cold / flu which knackered my throat. Today I'm back on the coffee and wow does it taste good. I'm toying with the idea of enforcing a coffeeless month every now and then to give me days like today - I'm on my third cafetierre at the office following an espresso breakfast at home.

Following the hols I'm going to repeat the excercise with Beer. Today I discovered that I probably only drink coffee out of habit - as I enjoyed it more today than I normally do perhaps my 'total annualised coffee enjoyment factor' could increase if I only had one coffee day a month - as its genuinely made me happier today to have a cup.

If the same could happen for Beer, Wine, The Simpsons, Super Monkey Ball, and everything else I could find myself with a wider 'experience pool' and with a more consistently high 'experience enjoyment quota'.

This could be pish - or it could be important. I will report back!!

On consumerism.
It is increasingly annoying me that TVs have become the new demonstration of wealth among just about everyone I know. I have quite an old, square, curvey TV without so much as a SCART connection. I have a £40 DVD and a £50 VCR under it - and its hooked up to my 2 speaker mixed brand seperates system for sound when watching a movie. I don't play the Simpsons through my 120 Watts set to 11. I know people who would though.

I don't feel the need to have a recording VCR, Tivo, 60 inch WEGA 15 speaker surround sound beast - not least because they are a bit instrusing for living areas and I dont want to sacrifice a room to the 'home cinema'.

However. For some reason I feel the need to upgrade - even though I hardly watch the thing - just so that I can do the old 'come round to mine and we'll watch a movie and get pissed and laugh at everyone who doesnt show up' thing without feeling the TV is letting the show down. Which is crazy! It's like avoiding offering to be the designated driver because your Ford isn't as new or shiny as someones Merc. Its defining your personal worth by your possessions. It's pathetic.

And Christmas brings out the old 'must get people good stuff so they know Im doing okay' thing. So Im considering spending hideous amounts of money on presents people probably wont even want. I skipped this this year - I bought everyone a £20 bet on wether it will snow in their city on Christmas day. My friend in Manchester stands to win £240 quid if it comes through. Or nothing if it doesn't. I think giving bets is going to be a much more popular gift in years to come! a prediction! woo!

So - no new TV for me. In fact - I'm considering tracking down the oldest Sony Trinitron I can find in a TV repair shop to swap for my current TV just to go retro. That'll piss everyone off!!

Atkins diet - popular among nerdy boys - 'it's like hacking your body' says one sitting 5 feet from me.

Blood Sugar Powered Laptops - Like a dialisis machine, only it steals energy for your laptop instead of cleaning your blood so you dont need to piss.

Farting - kinda good fun. Pissing - also kinda good fun in the right circumstances. Shitting - NEVER any fun, especially after a night on the guinness and curry.

I have a challenge for all you body hackers. Give me a hack program to turn all of my waste into either piss or farts - no shit. It has to be possible.

I remember an episode of All Creatures Great and Small where the vetinery delivered some pigs and they didnt have an arse hole - so they were literally peeing poo. (he had to put them down in the end, I think the farmers teenage daughter cried and said something like 'you cant kill them just because they dont have an arse hole dad')

I dont want to pee poo. That would be manky. You'd be a laughing stock at the urinal wall in the local pub. "Here comes ST, he pisses shit you know! Never seen him use a cubical in his life!"

No. I want to digest everything I take in into gaseous compounds and water soluble compounds. Ideally with absolutely no solid traffic through my lower bowel regions at all.

I realise that my farts will probably smell pretty bad. This is ok. In the right company this can be hugely entertaining. And don't beleive the hype guys - chicks love a good fart asmuch as us! So nothing lost there.

I'd rather my pee didnt smell too bad - but its a price worth paying for never having to poo again.

This could be a David Blane stunt lasting 40 days or something, but I'd prefer a long term, never shit again program.

Okay. I think thats a gauntlet layed down. I'll eat anything, excercise any which way, and drink as much Guinness as it takes. Lets turn this into "Slashdot: News for Nerds. Who never shit solids."

Another of the regular stories in /. is the old 'TV to have targetted ads' generic.

Starting with the obvious - that everyone hates ads - my position in this debate is straightforward - its THEIR channel, its MY TV. They can do what they like with their channel, and I can do what I like with my TV.

  1 > I can simply not watch their channel.
  2 > I can NOT use a TV or a SetTopBox that allows the broadcaster to watch me watching.
  3 > I can use a TiVo-ish device to strip out anything they send into my TV that I dont want to watch.

I should be free to do anything I please with a signal that I receive in my home. If the company pipes it in via cable, or satellite, once it enters my property I should have absolute freedom to do what I please.

Same goes for them in their studios. They have to combat my 3 big anti-ad measures.

  1 > Put on shows that are so good I can't bear not to see them.
  2 > Only broadcast to controlling boxes. Don't use new ad targeting technologies.
  3 > Ban TiVo, insert ads in ever smaller, ever more difficult to avoid ways - IN the shows even.

OR they could just make a well balanced channel with some sponsorship and ads and get on with it.

The theobromine stimulant causes chocolate's toxicity. About two ounces of milk chocolate can be poisonous for a 10lb puppy.

A story today got me thinking. FBI want all their coders to pass physical. I wouldn't have passed it a year back, I guess I would now.

Here is my 'fat fuck diet' for all you fat fuck /. addicts out there. It worked for me, and its a walk in the park. No scientific basis, I just read about a boxer who did the food bit, and the excercise bit worked for me. If you die because of this its your fault - not mine!!! Feel free to redistribute, ammend, call your own etc...

PHASE ONE: The warm up
This will take anything from a week to a month depending on how fat you are. Start walking somewhere every day. Every Day. Start by going round the block, or just walking to buy a paper. Morning is best, but any time is good.

This should get your bones used to the movement. As you progress, try to walk faster, and a bit further, build a bit of stamina. Don't push it though, as this will knacker you and put you off.

PHASE TWO: The Build Up
When you feel a bit more awake while walking, and capable of walking pretty quickly for 10 mins without gasping for air, start thinking about food. No. Not food. About how you eat.
My rule is simple. HUGE breakfast, sizable lunch, small supper, nothing after 8pm. Not even a soft drink.
Nothing is off the list - I can eat a dozen packs of pringles, so long as I have my last crisp at 7:59pm. Try and stick to this for a week while keeping up the walking. I bet you wake up more 'alive'.

PHASE THREE: Ongoing
Now your cooking. You've sorted out the food, getting some excercise - but more would be good. If youre ankles can cope - go for a 20 minute run every other day. Or a 30 minute swim. Or a 45 minute bike ride. Eventually - your ankles will cope - and running is quickest, easiest, and probably most effecti9ve for most people.

Dont expect to be Mr or Miss Hot overnight - or ever - but DO expect to be able to run u the stairs without falling asleep within 3 months. Its amazing how your brain kicks in when your working a bit harder aswell - I'm SURE pringles are an anesthetic!