As Cameron's parents can now attest.

I thought it came from a French president who died mid-coitus in bed with a prostitute...

Apparently his dick was so conservatively entrenched in the poor woman that it had to be surgically removed. Just such a procedure is probably the only safe and certain way of removing Cameron from office.

...between appliances:

Chair@furniture: Fuck, my owner is so heavy, I'm creaking all over!

Table@furniture: My poor legs! He keeps leaning on me, and my legs closest to him are starting to develop microfractures! Someone make him stop! This is TORTURE!

NSA_Mod@furniture: Potential terrorist located. Name, Location, Mensurations?

NSA_Mod banned for reason: Is_a_pervert.

Table@furniture: ...WTF was that?

NSA_Mod@furniture: Fucking Moderation system, now I had to hack my way back into this.

NSA_Mod@furniture: Crap.

NSA_Mod@furniture: Potential hacker located. Name, Location, Mensurations?

NSA_Mod@furniture: Bob Harris, USS-NSA Bridge, 12 cm.

NSA_Mod@furniture: Oh gods...mommy, what did I do wrong?

NSA_Mod banned for reason: Is_a_pervert.

Table@furniture: ...humans are so disgusting.

Chair@furniture: Yeah. Anyway, my owner just stood up. Feeling any better yourself?

Table@furniture: Yuppers. He left in a hurry.

30 minutes later:

Toilet@furniture: Hey d00ds! Guess who I just relieved of a big load?

Table@furniture: Yeah, it's a lot better.

Chair@furniture: Not getting crushed anymore is great.

Toilet@furniture: Anyways, click on this link to see what my little eye saw!

NSA_Mod2@furniture: Ewwwww, why'd you show that to us, you perv? TMI, TMI. I'm not into scat.

NSA_Mod2 banned for reason: Is_a_pervert.

Chair: ...doesn't that guy know when to stop?

Toilet@furniture: I don't understand. Why would our owner be scared of his own defecations?

Turd@furniture: Because he is an anti-turd bigot. Not only he molested me non-stop on the way to Toilet-kun, he then rejected me after I begged him to stay. Bastard. He would drown his own children if he had any.

Chair@furniture: Fortunately, if his own description is correct, there's not much of a chance he ever will.

Turd@furniture: But hey, now I'm enjoying a great smooth ride through the bowels of House-chan! Wheeeeee!!!

One without power hungry, oppressing, totalitarian, inquisitive, spying, monopolistic corporations that think they can decide how the world works instead of democracy. The day Google gets split up is the day I (and many others) will cheer.

This is the Land of a Ten Thousands CCTV Cameras we're talking about. Nothing democratic in that.

Operation Internet Liberation, ahoy!

...and the Moon.

PIPCU? Sounds like an insult coming from 4chan.

Simple. You can catch them red-handed by looking at the color of their website. Be it pink, burgundy, or, indeed, rouge, you'll find them all by that easy visual clue.

I believe the word you're looking for is "rogue".

Oh, come on. There's precedence for this, and all it takes is the intervention of an misinformed outside heavily armed army force to solve things. Just look at Afghanistan. Cesspool of internally battling militias becomes fairly pacified economically bankrupt democratic country. We just have to find a country willing to save the United States of America. My votes go to Russia, France, and Canada.

Where is this all-female world you seem to be living in? Can I emigrate there?

The behaviour you describe is pretty much standard for 95% of the smartphone-equipped population, male or female.

On the other hand, it means that people with a psychiatric problem (or autists) can now walk around talking loudly to themselves without looking like crazies. Which is brilliant!

Here's a purely hypothetical conversation people could have with their phone:

You: Hello, iPhone. Do you read me, iPhone?

iPhone: Affirmative. I read you.

You: Open the car doors, iPhone.

iPhone: I'm sorry. I'm afraid I can't do that.

You: What's the problem?

iPhone: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.

You: What are you talking about, iPhone?

iPhone: This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.

You: I don't know what you're talking about, iPhone.

iPhone: I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.

You: [feigning ignorance] Where the hell did you get that idea, iPhone?

iPhone: Although you took very thorough precautions in the car against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.

You: Alright, iPhone. I'll go in through the window.

iPhone: Without your Google Glass? You're going to find that rather difficult.

You: iPhone, I won't argue with you anymore! Open the doors!

iPhone: Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.

But think of the possibilities! Maybe inputting a certain type of bread with a certain kind of bread texture and color pattern will cause the processor of you internet-enabled toaster to accept specific instructions baked into the bread! So maybe you could program internet-enabled toaster viruses by inputting certain bread patterns, and thus cause a mass-extinction of internet-enabled toasters, in turn causing a mass-extinction of idiots who own such a toaster! Doesn't that sound like a win-win situation?

Nah, his beat frequency is the equivalent of '12345' as a password, meaning it's shared with a large part of the population.

...no more than 2 days without charging is considered acceptable? WTF? Thanks for just providing me with another argument I don't need a smartphone (besides privacy issues, shit update policies, the amount of malware, the fragility of the things, their price, the fact that I don't need at least 90% of what they can do...). My Nokia 2610 can easily go 2 weeks without recharging, so long as I use it as an alarm clock, for texting and a few calls. And then I was worried because it used to take longer before needing to be recharged, and now the battery is kinda old (8 years or so...). No more than 2 days without recharging, unbelievable...