I'm just irritated that someone somewhere thought it was necessary to say TCP/IP card as opposed to network card.
You don't need to be irritated. There are plenty of embedded network serial interfaces which have actually TCP/IP protocol hardwired in hardware, such as Wiznet W5100 or newer. You can find some on Arduino shields. These are not generic network adapters, as you know them. Fine tools for hacking, though.
looks like Gentoo for you if you really don't want a modern init system
I have systemd on gentoo since before it was cool everywhere else. Yes, I wanted it early, because I recognized it's possible full potential just by ideas it was architected on.
The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.