My presentation went great. The only thing that went wrong (aside from having the unattentative Massaro as a judge) was that I went three seconds over my time limit. :-D

I wrote my first program in C++ in a year or so. I had hardly released how long it had been. The last time I'd even looked at a C++ program was when I had a couple of friends who were interested in learning it and were looking to me to help them. None of them ever really bothered to progress, my sister has managed to surpass them in C++ knowledge without even having written a program beyond the generic "Hello World" and has a first place FBLA trophy to prove it. It's fairly interesting she got that considering she spur-of-the-moment applied to enter the competition without having read any formal documentation at all and still managed to win against kids who'd been entering the competition for a couple years. Kind of says something when you lose to someone else whose entire knowledge of the language comes from small discussions and brief look overs of her brother's old programs. Crazy stuff, that is.

To start off, I figure that no one I personally know reads this anymore, or at least the likelihood of it being read frequently enough that this will be read is low. It's not that I dread anyone reading this -- and I sincerely mean that -- but it almost allows me to feel more willing to type something up with a meaning. If I am recalling correctly, almost nothing I've put in this journal has had much meaning to it.

Well, here we go. Tonight I haven't slept yet. I've got this tendency to start thinking about everything at night -- perhaps reading at night would cure this, though if it wouldn't I'd just be staying up even later, so I'm slow to embrace that theory. I was listening to some songs on CMT while working out earlier. I started thinking about how I could associate them with so many things in my life. I thought more on it and realized that none of the things that came to mind when I heard those songs dealt solely with the present: they all were either directly referenced to past events or rely greatly on how the past has effected the present (the present being the less focal aspect). So it all got me thinking that I reminisce too much.

What makes us reminisce? Well, none of us would if things hadn't changed. Now, the advantage of change is that we can look back and assess everything we couldn't have possibly understood at the time. The frustration comes when one is unable to do so -- when looking back still doesn't make any sense.

Rather than make this about how events have passed to cause change in my environment or my fellow homosapians, I'm going to move on to how I think I might have changed, events excluded.

I'm going to go ahead and try to hit the biggest bird with the biggest stone right off the bat -- I have full faith that if I still want to, that I can ramble on about the smaller things later. The biggest change in me is in how I judge based on my observations. As this year has progressed (I say year as a poor frame of reference considering it is only a quarter through, please excuse it) I have come to base my actions off raw observation far less. I think things through more. I can't say I've ever been horribly spontaneous, however, I can say that I never used to reassess the happenings in my life as much. I find myself weighing all the possibilities, seeing more possibilities than I once did. In doing so I inevitably find ones that are less than appealing. Unfortunatly they have been easier to rationalize than the more optimistic possibilities. I act after processing the observation and comparing it to other things.

I do not consider myself a pessimist, and it is my hope that others do not either. I hope for things like optimists, except that I approach these hopes realistically -- I'm a realist. Being a realist does not mean that I always see things as they are (not to make it sound like I'm delusional), however. All is in the eye of the beholder, I simply don't dread the worst nor expect the impossible. Shooting for the middle isn't always a recipe for happiness.

That aside, I'm becoming increasingly questioning. Motives and reprocussions are under intensified scrutiny and conclusions are subsequently more vindictive. I don't like to say that I'm vindictive because of the negative conotation, but it's true. I find myself saying "Too bad, you got what you deserved. You shouldn't have done it. Fix it yourself." The sad part is that it's primarily to the people I know. These are the people I should help out or talk to, lend some aid. But I don't. Instead I would sooner lend some compassion to someone I know less about. It's odd. I see a friend doing something dumb and I don't want to help. Well, I do want to help, but it's like sometimes I want them to figure out just how dumb it is for themselves through the result. I don't know why, it's not that I'm too lazy to help. I'd really love to help out or just let someone know what I think (no, this is not a sob story), but it's not something I do. So much for "Love thy neighbor," huh? Happy Easter.

I've found the number of people I associate myself with declining and those I do willingly even further declined. I wonder if I at one point took a too idealistic approach. I feel that now is a good time to warn you if you're a fellow /.er that if you're reading this, it probably won't make much sense to you and this will sound more like some needy, attention-craving entry that belongs in a LJ. Just thought you should know that's not what this is and I'm sorry I didn't warn you earlier.

Getting back into it: my patience is on the decline and my judgementative nature is rising. I think I might as well fix that. It is unlikely to change my relationships with the people I already know in a way that everything will become hunky-dory, but it is the right thing to do. I need to cut people some slack. Maybe I need to even interact when I do see something I don't like that doesn't involve me. I'm not sure about that. Perhaps I'll just try and be selective about doing so, but maybe lighten up a bit on that.

Everything changes, and I'm going to change. Not to meet the changes made elsewhere, but to make my own that they might make for a better existance. There's little I'm willing to directly attempt to fix outside, but I'll see to it that I don't make anything I need to fix later in the meantime.

If you read this I hope that it was worth your time. It was long and it was unstructured. I do not believe that I got to what I wanted to, but I did say something and it probably needed to be said. If you had any thoughts you wanted to share the comments are enabled and thanks in advance. Happy Easter to you.

All I need is one more thing before it is complete: a web or programming standards comic strip. For that matter, it could just have to do with having standards. I just can't find anything.

I was also playing around with Knoppix yesterday. Good stuff, I'll have to look further into it.

In other news, all that homework I thought I had to do over my spring break, it appears that I was mistaken. Either it is not due immediately after I return or it just isn't going to get done anyway (at the least not to any decent extent...). I'm actually surprised at the amount I seem to have gotten done today. Who knew that stuff would get done if I worked?

I'm cutting off the next finger I jam. Fin.

Friday I went ahead and ordered my rental tux for prom. That took long as hell and I didn't get to use the coupons Will gave me because they didn't apply to the cheapest ones. :-)

Today I went to buy a suit. When I finally get home mom bitches. She bitches about if it fits right and how it looks. Then she bitches because I don't give her answers that let her bitch more. Kevin(frustration);

On another note, it's been over a week since I've shaved and I look like crap (IMHO). Heh, first time I've ever used that acronym. Anyway, I'd shave it off, but I just can't find a good enough reason to bother doing that. My not liking it isn't even good enough of a reason. Oh well. I'll have a reason next Wednesday when I do my senior project presentation (presumably in my new suit).

I've got the Suncoast Sampler tonight, after which I have an almost barren schedule for spring break '05. I'm planning on switching coasts Tuesday. I'll probably see a movie or two. I'd like to get to box, but my partner doesn't seem terribly interested in finding a time to do so.

Right now I'm putting up with more crap; I'll stop typing now so I can get away from it.

I've got some good friends in Lit. Chrissy read the exact same poem I was supposed to. Shaun started a chorus amongst the TZ (today made up of Shaun, JJ, Rick, and myself) of discontent about how I had been saying it for three months. Stuff about contending or whatever. Anyway, I went up and drew my plum on the board (a circle). I then proceeded to engage in what by then was considered a challenge and a competition. I blew through the poem without even thinking about it. A roar of applause erupted. Everyone thought it was hillarious. I got high fives, claps on the back, shouts of approval, all that good stuff. I guess I "won." Yeah, so, as I was saying, much comradery in the back.

I miss swim season. I really didn't expect to like the practices much. In fact, at the time I didn't like how they took up every afternoon after school and kept me from being able to do other things (funny how people only started wanting to do stuff after school as soon as I was no longer available). Looking back, however, I miss them. They gave me something to do every afternoon. On top of that, I see now just how much I did enjoy them. And of course the swim meets were great -- I knew they would be.

Here's to the loss of a good thing and the notion that you never truly appreciate something until it's already gone.

I also had an idea of what I was going to write here...what was it?!

Oh well, maybe this was it -- I don't remember. This week's going to be fairly busy I think. Today I'm celebrating Steph's 17th or 4.25th birthday. I also need to do a lot of laundry. On top of that, I've discovered that I need to read a book and do a project on it for Friday. I think I will end up making a powerpoint or something to that effect -- something that's easy, fast, and is enough to amaze a teacher who is self-professedly technologically illiterate. Then there's the usual math homework (which I really don't do until it's all due...which is soon is going to be). I think I'm going to have to look over all the new stuff...I can't seem to remember where the addition signs are and where they're supposed to be other operators. I think I might even have a psychology test tomorrow. Ah! Not only do I have that one book to read, but I have another one I need to read promptly so I can begin the project on that (group work with teacher-designated groupings...ugh). I also have an online "quiz" I need to do for my PHCC class. At least there's very little thought involved in that "quiz" and it doesn't involve any real knowledge of science, just my daily routine. Also, I'm going to start going to sleep about four hours earlier than I have been. */unstructured rambling*

...that was nowhere near comprehensive...

Well, I was about to moan and complain about having to go to class tomorrow (and do two things for class before I go -- though I could just do one of them later with no penalty), but then I realized that I really don't have anywhere better to be. Yay class?

I may be the anti-Lusk (refering to Mike). He's got all the offensive abilities. Today I think I only had one TD (and one that I deferred to the fellow behind me). On the other hand, I had so many tackles. No one was spared today. Not even Fat Cory (yeah, dunno his last name, have to go with the common nickname). I feel more accomplished when I get tons of tackles and breakups than when I score a whole bunch. I also seem to get more praise for it.... Yeah, number one tackler; beware Jis: if we box, you will be destroyed.

I'm not entirely certain why I made that last comment so directly...Jis isn't reading this....

I'm in a very positive mood.

Yesterday I observed an oddity in the Sam's Club parking lot while cutting through to reach the KFC/Taco Bell/Pizza Hut. There was a funeral wagon for sale with something like "Lisa's Living Creations" painted on the side as well as a bouquet. I think it's ironic (and hillarious) that it was painted on the side of a funeral wagon.

I think maybe it was done to show that they can ship large amounts of flowers to funeral homes. Dumb idea. No wonder it was up for sale.

My day may have started out very dull (and at least fifteen minutes past eight o'clock), but getting the opportunity to order a pizza for lunch sent to the school made it all better. From there the monotony of the school agenda couldn't really bother me. Aside from having a bunch of leeches and attention seekers swarm around the pizza box, pizza makes any lunch better. From there all I had to do was be tolerant of all the obnoxious petty shmucks who can't shut up during Literature while a movie is on.

Mentoring was great as always. Chris and I built some nicely designed structures (single or multiple level) with blocks made for pattern and pattern duplication stuff. It was fun and it was why I had to hurry out of the school after dropping him off at his class -- all the kids were dismissed and running around (the buses surely would have started moving within the next ten minutes or so).

A boring afternoon lies ahead barren of all the homework I don't feel like bothering with today.

Did I mention that having my laptop hardwired to the router sucks more than just using the other computer before I got my laptop? If not, then I am now. It sucks. It means that mom gets to sit at the other and piss me off while I do what I need to do on the internet just across a desk. Very irritating. Good reason to be online less.

I miss the days of programming. I always had something new to do -- something new to learn. It kept me busy anytime I needed something to do and I enjoyed it. Now, however, it has become more of a tedious task because I have nothing to do with any kind of purpose (and building a new webpage involves a lot of what I would consider dull gruntwork, even if it would have some opportunities for me to do something new and interesting with -- be a little creative). Oh well.

I currently want to do something. I want to dominate or conquer a scenario. pw0n something, if you will. It's just another one of those times that I feel incredibly motivated to do something exceeding what everyone else would have expected that I can be proud of. Unfortunately, I do not see an opportunity for such.

Well, we were on the topic of love again today. Mr. Williams ended up telling all of us that one of his friends had told him that it can get kind of loud while one is having a vasectomy. He thus decided to bring his walkman and headphones for it. So, while the doc is working, Mr. Williams starts singing "Bad to the Bone" and the rest of the lyrics. Funny stuff. I need more classes like that.