the_mad_poster's Journal: We Must Kill Jesus!

So, I watched Dawn of the Dead (2004) on Friday night. Bought the "Unrated, Too Scary For Theatres" version used at Blockbuster for about $8, which ain't too shabby.

First, a tangent. I'm not entirely sure what's so scary about this remake, as it plays out more like a video game from the survival genre (e.g. "Resident Evil", "Dino Crisis", etc.) than a horror movie. Gory? Check. Action-packed? Check. Cliche? Check. Scary? Ummm... no. Not even remotely.

Not to say it's not entertaining, but if this is too scary for the typical movie audience, those asswipes might as well not even watch horror movies. Honest to god, ever since Craven fucked everything up with those awful, awful excuses for slasher flicks - the Scream movies - it's been all downhill. Where are the good old school horror movies like the original Dawn of the Dead or Hellraiser or the first Halloween flick? I'm tired of this slicked-back and polished up bullshit they're churning out now. Here's how to make a modern hollywood horror movie:

1 Token Black Hero
+ 1 Token Black Mincemeat
+ 1 big-chested-but-tough bimbo
+ 1 whiny bitch mincemeat bimbo
+ 1 resourceful white guy (because the black guys are only good with the guns and the violence).

Mix well, kill other annoying supporting characters at random and include lots of funky CGI shots of heads exploding (please... popping heads in sci fi have been mainstream since "Scanners" and they've been a mainstream horror staple since "Demon Knight". On top of that, "Bad Taste" made exploding heads ten times more entertaining with 1/10 of the budget).

Voila, big label horror flick for the summer. Booooring.

Anyway, back to killing Jesus...

So, I was watching Dawn of the Dead when it occurred to me that Jesus and zombies are a lot alike. They both died and then came back and killed people with super strength, and the only way to stop them is to shoot them in the head.

Then it dawned on me! Like Count Dracula and vampires, Jesus is the head zombie! He's the original zombie, and he creates his zombie minions to do his bidding. Note how when the super-zombie died and came back, it was a near-perfect transformation, but his spawn (reference Lazarus) are just imperfect clones that share a fraction of the origina's power.

So, next time you have a problem with a bad infestation of the flesh-eating undead, just remember that you can put an end to it all by killing the head zombie, just like you can stop vampires by killing the one that created them.

Yea, it's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it.

But I don't want to die.

[SiliconJesus]

Please don't kill Jesus. If you must - please don't kill SiliconJesus.

Help please

[nizo]

...and the only way to stop them is to shoot them in the head.

Which passage in the Bible says the only way to kill Jesus is to shoot him in the head???

Re:Help please

[buffer-overflowed]

Romero 10:13, "An lo, Jesus was struck in the head with an arrow and fell."

Re:Help please

[ellem]

Romero 10:14 clearly states "But this was not enough for Jesus did rise and proclaim, "Head like a hole, I got your soul, I'll never die, or give you control!"

Romero 10:15 "And Euphatis begat Solomon and Soloman begat Hypronauticus and Hypronauticus begat Jenna Jameson."

Re:Help please

[Talinom]

A Reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:

Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number o

Re:Help please

[daniil]

Ahh, but doesn't the Book of the Player's Hand clearly state that "Jesus saves and takes half damage"?

Context

[Safety Cap]

Jesus saves and takes half damage

That's only when he's been programming for 12 hours straight and then the power goes out.

Re:

[account_deleted]

Comment removed based on user account deletion

More like an alien cabnabalistic vampire

[tomhudson]

See what the Wiki has to say about how people believe in the transformation of bread and wine into flesh and blood as they "partake or commune" :http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transubstantiation [slashdot.org]

Sounds like something out of an alien encounter.

The last supper, whre it all got started:

Mark 14:22 And as they did eat, Jesus took bread, and blessed, and brake it, and gave to them, and said, Take, eat; this is my body

14:23: And he took the cup, and when he had given thanks, he gave it to them, and they all drank