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Journal bluefairee's Journal: attention 3

that is a thought i'v been having for years...since i was a kid actually. truth is, i've always wanted attention, but from my mom. my brother was ALWAYS in trouble for something so most of her time was spent with him or at work. i got attention when i got in trouble and that was never...so much for being a good kid.

i can't say what i'm doing now is for attention...usually the only reason i say i've done anything is because i'm afraid that if he finds out later i'll really be in trouble...a childhood issue. besides, i can't even pass thru the room with him in it without him asking how i am or him telling me he loves me or getting a gigantuous hug. so, attention is certainly not lacking in this house. usually i want to be alone and that's why i spend so much time outside...to get away from everyone. i feel like any attention i get now is pity and i refuse that. sometimes i even wish people didn't read my journal entries, but truth is i know i need it. i know i need to have people out there who care and who can let me know by commenting. i would much rather dave get the attention and support, but i know he'd only try to redirect it to me.

in any case, i made it thru the day. all the trees are trimmed and cut up and we can actually see the sidewalk now. like i said...all my time is usually spent outside. i'm not glad dave is sick, but it's made me feel somewhat needed. really all i do is kick him off the computer and make him go lay down and make sure his water glass is never empty. yesterday i did all the laundry...yes even his stinky boxers:) it was nice to feel needed even though i knew he could and would do it himself. i like paying attention to others and right now it's frustrating because i have to focus on me and it's driving me nutsoid!

i better sign off...din din is ready.

blue

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attention

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  • I'd think some of us could see through that.

    Now, about the going insane part, I had panic attacks for a couple years, and they totally suck. Basically, I describe the first one I had as that I saw around the corner of madness. I tell you, just peeking around there made me want to stay sane for the rest of my life. I never took meds for them or anything, I just used relaxation techniques that I taught myself. I would lie on the bed (I guess the floor or a couch would work), cross my hands on my chest and c


  • Yep. Sorry if I'm a bit provocative at times, it's somewhat intentional. I get the impression that you've got a good grip on that attention chapter. And eh, I wasn't implying you did this because of wanting attention, more that it is a partial factor in how you came to be who you are today. But you know what, I read a scientific report that says that in a period of just 4 months, we can completely reprogram ourselves as being optimistic or pessimistic, confident or cautious.. Your brain constantly change
  • empathy perhaps, but not pity.

    if i pitied you, it would mean i thought you were in such a sad state that all i could do is feel sorry for you. i don't feel that way. i feel bad for you, but it really is quite different. i know i didn't enjoy those kinds of feelings when i had somewhat similar emotions rolling through me. i don't wish that on anyone. it sounds like you're having them more intensely than i did, so it's tough for me to imagine it being worse.

    it is my belief that you'll find a way to go

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