SarahAnnAlien's Journal: Doctor Visit, and Things To Know About Being An Alien

I guess the good news from Friday was that none of the tests I've had over the last couple months came back positive for anything in particular, and there are a wide variety of diseases and disorders that I almost certainly do not have. Yay! Dr. M's prescription: take two aspirin, call me in a year, and try not to get run over by any more minivans. (Actually, I don't think he mentioned the bit about the minivans, but it's really just common sense!)

Dr. M also said that he wasn't going to take me off my medications, which I thought was kind of funny. The medications in question have been saving my life for the last year and a half; there probably wasn't anything he could have said or done to make me stop.

All along, my biggest worry was simply that Dr. M doesn't really understand that the medications have been life-saving. I was concerned he would try to pressure me to stop. If that had happened, and I had been meek enough to listen to him, bad things would have happened. I tried stopping one of my medications last spring. I felt just fine, except for the fact that the world was coming to an end, which made me very sad, and I cried and cried. I started taking the medicine again, and somehow, miraculously the world was saved! (Moral: Alien neurochemistry is not to be trifled with!)

Fortunately, I'm not sure Dr. M entirely understands the danger. Actually, I'm not sure *anyone* really understands it completely. Wait, that's not fortunate, is it? Hmm. It sort of sucks to be in the "more research is needed" category. On the other hand, maybe it's just best not to know.

The danger doesn't really matter at this point; we've done and are doing everything possible to make things safe. Now I have to learn to live with the remaining uncertainty.

So, Friday morning's doctor visit went quite well, all things considered. Oh, and it turned out that next week's followup appointment with Dr. S was, in fact, probably a mistake. Big surprise. I cancelled the appointment.

Then, Friday afternoon, I think I may have goofed in a major way.

An old friend sent me an email just to say hi.

I decided to write back and explain about discovering that I'm an alien. So I wrote him a fairly long message, but tried to keep it short.

He wrote back later in the day.

I'm... I'm not sure if he understood or not.

I sent him a followup message right away, trying to give more details. I don't know if that was the right thing to do or not.

I'm afraid the damage may already be done.

There are really two problems here.

The first problem is the issue of the care and maintenance of friendships. Sarah's uncorrected neurochemistry regarded friendships as sort of a nuisance. They interfered with the serious business of sitting home alone waiting for death. Sarah's current neurochemistry regards friendships as a precious gift to be cherished, but exactly *how* that works is almost always unclear.

The second problem is that I have such an almost desperate need to have people *understand* what being an alien is all about. Unfortunately I've been studying the problem for three and a half years, and I still can't entirely explain it even to myself! It's so complicated.

What do I want everyone to understand about being an alien? Maybe I can make a list:

The fundamental theorem of being an alien:

I did not choose to be an alien.

Being an alien isn't...

Being an alien isn't a choice. It's a *fact*.

Being an alien isn't something I'm *doing*, it's something I am.

Being an alien isn't a moral issue.

Being an alien isn't a lifestyle.

Being an alien isn't a game of pretend; I can't stop when I am tired.

Being an alien isn't an exercise in self-expression.

Being an alien isn't the fulfillment of a lifelong dream.

Being an alien isn't a mental illness.

Being an alien isn't about what I look like on the outside.

Being an alien isn't about who or what I want to be.

Being an alien isn't something to be celebrated, or tolerated, just accepted.

Being an alien isn't about changing; it's recognizing what already is.

Being an alien isn't a secret I've kept all my life. I was quite surprised to find out about it, but probably shouldn't have been.

Being an alien isn't something I've ever wanted to hide; although I have occasionally taken steps to defer the complicated explanations!

Being an alien is...

Being an alien is a lifelong exercise in making difficult choices.

Being an alien is fun, sometimes. Aliens happen to like being aliens. But I did not choose to be an alien! I am not an alien because it's fun.

Being an alien is something I could have covered up, but I decided not to. There's nothing wrong with being an alien; there is something wrong with living a lie.

Being an alien is hard. There's so much to learn!

Being an alien is expensive.

Being an alien is scary.

Being an alien is painful.

Being an alien is exhausting.

Being an alien is lonely.

Being an alien makes...

Being an alien makes me laugh.

Being an alien makes me cry.

Being an alien makes cruel people laugh.

Being an alien makes ignorant people angry.

Being an alien makes life worth living.

That's a good start, I guess. Not that anyone will understand my list! But it brings to mind the one question I'm still not entirely sure I know how to answer:

If you could, would you choose not to be an alien?

Actually, I do know how to answer the question: no.

But why not? I don't know is how to explain my answer.