Journal Cyberdyne's Journal: Monty Rather 1
BLOGGER: I wish to complain about these documents you palmed off on your shrinking but credulous audience last week.
RATHER: Oh yes, the, uh, the Bush Guard memos. They are full of accurate facts.... What's,uh... What's wrong with them?
BLOGGER: I'll tell you what's wrong with them, Dan. They're forgeries, that's what's wrong with them!
RATHER: No, no, they're just pretending to be forgeries. They contain accurate facts vetted by all experts we could find that agree with me.
BLOGGER: Look, "Kenneth", I know a forgery when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
RATHER: No no they're not forged because they're accurate! Remarkable set of facts, aren't they. Best I've ever made.
BLOGGER: The "facts" don't enter into it. Forged facts forfiet their factualness.
RATHER: Nononono, no, no! They're accurate in the facts from our carefully checked but secret sources! I know they're true because I've reviewed the tapes of myself claiming they're true.
BLOGGER: Look, I took the liberty of examining those tapes when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason you claimed they were true was the fact they'd been NAILED to your head.
(pause)
RATHER: Well, o'course they was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed them to my head, I would have forgotten where I got them from in the first place. Nailed or not, they'll still fly. They'll still Voooooooom!
BLOGGER: "VOOM"?!? Mate, these documents wouldn't "voom" if you strapped four million frothing moonbats on them! They've been trying that over on Kos for days and there is no lift-off. These documents is bleedin' demised!
RATHER: No no! Don't you understand? They're ACCURATE even if they're FAKE! They're pining for a Democratic Administration. Which makes them TRUE LIES.
BLOGGER: 'They're not pining! They're passed on! These documents are no more! They have ceased to be! They've expired and gone to meet their maker!
(pause)
RATHER: Well, I'd better replace them with another set of true lies I whipped up on my old Selectric over the weekend. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry Blogger, I've had a look 'round the back of CBS News, and uh, we're right out of forged documents with accurate facts.
BLOGGER: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Rather: I got a John Kerry.
(pause)
BLOGGER: Pray, does it talk?
RATHER: Not to the press.
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