Journal Pyro226's Journal: Chapter 1 1
First, I have a few things I wanted to make clear or left out of Chapter 0. I forgot to add the title "Autobiography: Atempt 3" When I said that my first memory is from the age of 3, I meant that that is the earliest I can remember anything from, but I don't remember having opinions until a couple years later. I also forgot to add that I called my parents by their first names, although it should be clear because of the Katy and David sentence.
I probably should have included a section on my insomnia. Ever since the age of two (according to my parents), I've had trouble sleeping. Saying I had insomnia would not sufficiently describe my sleeping troubles, because insomnia is just any problem with sleeping. For the most part, I have trouble falling asleep. Rarely, I have had trouble staying asleep or I've woken up too early in the morning, but those have never been real problems. One interesting aspect of my trouble sleeping is that my biological clock seems to be set too late. I suck at mornings, and I'm really hyper at night. Over Christmas (or insert other religious holiday) vacation I adopted a schedual in which I completely slept through the hours of daylight.
It is not an actual inability to sleep, however, that I find to be the most interesting, and to have the greatest connection to my drug use. Sometimes when I try to go to bed, I can sleep, but I don't want to. While lying in bed, the haze that normally clogs my thoughts clears. It's honestly very weird; I'll go from dead tired to wide awake, and thinking more clearly than I could during the day. The transformation reminds me of the medicinal quality of Marijuana that I've grown to love. On the rare occassions that I feel nauseated (not nauseous - nauseous only applies to things that make you nauseated) and decide to smoke in an effort to feel better, I am always looking to feel better - to feel more like I do normally. But Marijuana is so good at what it does, that I end up feeling better than I normally do - from ready to puke to ready for a 3 course dinner.
It's the same way with my head when I try to sleep (sometimes). Not only is the oppressive viscous haze of sleep deprivation lifted, but I feel more alert and can think more clearly than when I'm wide awake during the day. Its the only time when I can write poetry, but I have the same problem I have while tripping (on drugs). I can think much faster than I can write or type. That is one of the main reasons that I'm doing this journal; I have three books worth of thoughts that lack even a basic organization. My Chapter 0 (instead of starting at 1) was an attempt at explaining this. My chapters are numbered because my journals will follow a loosely chronological story.
I come again (in my own line of thoughts at least, which may be a non sequitor to my writing) to the same question that nagged so heavily at Winston Smith. (Winston Smith is the protagonist of 1984 - One of my favorite books). He started a journal, which was against the law (or if not technically against the law, it was intolerable to those with power). But Winston Smith was stuck on something; to whom was he writing the journal. At first he thought it was for the future - but he realized that either A. the future would be like the present, and it would be immediately destroyed if found, or B. the future would be better than the present, and noone would be able to relate to his struggle. But his journal was so many things. It may have been for the future, but it was also for him. It was a record of his strength - he knew that he could not hide from the party, from Big Brother forever. When he was caught, he wanted to have some record of the resistance, the strength he had once held against the party. It was some small consolation in a battle he could not win.
This journal is for me - I don't deny it. And I spend a great deal of my time feeling like Winston Smith; the (legal) system is designed to break people, and I would like to think that I am too strong for that. "They can take away my freedom, but they can't take my pride" has been my battle cry, but while I originally compared myself to Antigone, at least Antigone's death had an impact - it wasn't a complete waste. I am increasingly seeing myself as Creon - Pride comes before the fall, and nothing will be gained by my losing in a struggle with the system. Only the lawyers will profit...
On making my first crack against laywers, I would just like to note that my lawyer is an incredibly nice guy.
I'm going to call it a night. I know that I haven't made any progress on my story, but I made enough in Chapter 0 to have Chapter 1 be right on track. Once again I welcome all commments, positive, negative, and neutral. - Oh, one last thing. My friends wanted to know why I was so bold as to use my real name. Any slashdotters that think I'm an idiot for being so open with my identity, please let me know.
Samuel Bearg
dude you are so right (Score:1)