TuckerEstron's Journal: Hunting Rabbit (Part One)

Now that the case has come and gone, with the suspect pleading guilty to attempted murder, I can finally write about the way this year began with a Great Adventure.

The story really starts with serotonin, the neurotransmitter that some people lack. When I don't have enough serotonin in my brain, I start believing that the world is a lousy place, people will never like me, I am worthless and just a drain on everyone else's life, and that there is no hope of anything ever improving. That's depression. Naturally, and with perfect logic given these basic first premises, I start thinking about how much better it would be if I were dead. That's suicidal ideation.

Last fall, after I had partly recovered from the radiation but before I was well enough to resume an active lifestyle, I sunk deeply into depression. My serotonin level must have been very low, since I hadn't been able to take my antidepressants while my mouth was too sore to swallow them. Besides that, I'd just lost my husband and kids and my home in the Pacific Northwest, and I was facing a terrible future of pain as my teeth and jaw, decalcified from radiation, disintegrated.

I was deep into suicidal ideation. Mostly, I was sure I'd never do it; but out of fear of the future's impending pain I wanted to be sure I could if things ever got too awful. So I joined a mailing list for similarly suicidal people, and posted a couple of questions.

Not long after that, an email showed up in my inbox. It was from another member, a lurker who went by the name Roger Rabbit. After exchanging emails with him for a while, I started talking to him on Yahoo's Instant Messenger. And then the fun began.

In one of our first IM conversations, "Rabbit" asked me why I felt suicidal. I explained the situation to him, including my long-term, chronic depression. Rabbit replied that he, too, had a mental illness.

"Which one?" I asked. He replied that he was emotionless and homicidal.

"Have you ever killed anyone?" I asked.

"I won't answer that," he typed...